As if last week’s parking lot drama wasn’t enough, today I handed my phone over to a stranger so she could call in a marijuana prescription.
Yes, this really happened.
First things first–while I keep referring to our new place as a “condo”, it’s technically a “condo-style apartment”. This essentially means they charge $300 more than the competitors, and have soft close cabinets.
Back in Seattle, renting was the norm. And it was expensive. We lived in a posh Ballard condo with lots of rich snooty people and charmed sorority girl neighbors.
This was perfectly fine with me.
In Small Town, where calling housing “affordable” would be an understatement, most renters have made poor life choices that prevent them from owning a home.
This is the nice way of saying that we have some pretty colorful neighbors.
Today was absolutely beautiful. I decided to take advantage of the sixty-five degree weather and give Jolie an hour-long walk. On my way through our parking lot, a woman with giant sunglasses approached me.
One disadvantage of having the cutest dog in the world is that you tend to attract a lot of attention from strangers. This situation was no different. Crazy glasses was on a mission to give Jolie a deep tissue puppy massage, whether she wanted it or not.
She introduced herself, and explained that her giant glasses were part of her new business — an Audrey Hepburn disco boutique.
I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
I politely introduced myself and shared that we had just moved to town.
“Oh, that’sh fuuuuunny!”, she remarked. The iced tea she sloshed around was clearly of the Long Island variety.
“I justh ran into a guy I used to work with and histh sonnnn! They’re both PAs and the son jusht moved here, too! Lots of new people around heeere!”
“Oh, really? ” I replied. “I actually think that might be my father-in-law. You used to work with him?”
Responding was a huge mistake. I spent the next twenty minutes listening to her tipsy account of working with Scott’s dad and getting in trouble for “drinking too much” and “Telling the doctor to “F” off” before she quit.
She then insisted that I call my father-in-law so that she might speak with him.
This is where I draw the line. Simply because I’ve been on the receiving end of such phone calls and they’re always intensely uncomfortable.
Granted, I’ve never been called by a drunken ex-coworker (thank God), but every time my dad runs into someone I went to high school with at Costco, he dials me up and then hands them his cell phone.
That’s the point where I usually say “Ooooh nooo! My dog just threw up all over me! Gotta go!!”
It works surprisingly well.
Yet for some strange reason, I was feeling unusually kind this afternoon. Perhaps I was trying to make up for the fact that I brought a grown man to tears over the phone the other day?
It also may have had something to do with the fact that crazy glasses was hugging me so tightly, I was unable to free myself.
She kept asking me to call Scott’s dad. I kept pretending to call and then saying it went straight to voicemail.
At this point, she demanded I give her the phone.
And I did.
I don’t know what came over me. The sight of those sunglasses mixed with the stench of her vodka terrified me into submission. Next thing I knew, she was on my iPhone leaving a voicemail, requesting my father-in-law return her call immediately in regards to refilling her medical marijuana prescription.
Last time I checked, Dermatology PAs weren’t permitted to prescribe such a thing…?
She explained it was a joke, and that she wished she could see the look on Scott’s dad’s face when he got the message.
I believe her exact words were, “Heeesh gonna freak outtt! Bwahahahaha!!! Hey…where’s my drink?”
After thirty minutes, Jolie and I were finally free to go on our walk. I wasn’t quite sure where to go, and somehow, we ended up strolling aimlessly around the mall parking lot.
Yes, I live within walking distance of the mall.
In a community where residents drink openly in the parking lot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I really like our new ‘hood so far.
When we returned home, crazy shades was still atop her parking lot perch. She even introduced me to the friend that had joined her.
“Thish ish my good friend Jolie and her dog, Katrina.”
Yeah. Definitely loving the new ‘hood.