Über Bowl 0

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I mean…the world “super” is so 1982. “Über” is more 2012, don’t you think?

Which reminds me…I’m like, über confused right now.

I always thought Minnesota was known as a dairy state?

If this is in fact the case, can someone please explain to me why I rang in Super Bowl XLVI eating vegan nachos and BBQ tofu wings?

BBQ Tofu Wings Forks over Knives

Nothing says "Super Bowl" quite like tofu marinated in a homemade, plant-based BBQ sauce

Vegan nachos Forks over knives

I stand corrected. Dairy-free nachos with "cheese" made out of ground up cashews and nutritional yeast flakes are WAY more "football" than those wimpy tofu wings.

I’ve got to admit…the dip and wings were really delicious. You’d never have known the nachos didn’t use real cheese unless, like me, you had spent an hour soaking raw cashews in water before blending them with dragon’s blood and eye of newt to make it.

Just kidding — dragon’s blood and eye of newt are so not vegan. Can you tell I’ve been reading Game of Thrones, though?

Scott’s dad recently went vegan, so we’ve been trying lots of plant-based recipes while we stay with him. Not only is vegan food quite tasty, but my father-in-law’s commitment to clean, raw eating has literally saved me from myself.

And by “myself” I mean the hungry, dairy-loving, cookie monster protegé, that could probably definitely be a competitive eater.

Turbo Kick

This whole Turbo Kick thing is just a facade. And yes, that's a tutu. And a tiara. Add in a trucker hat and you have the "three Ts of Turbo"

So, the vegan diet has been fantastic on many levels. Although I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hold out without a heaping portion of my beloved tater tot hot dish.

But back to the Über Bowl. Our plant-based fare wasn’t the only non-traditional aspect of yesterday’s festivities.

We actually spent the majority of the evening watching a wrestling duel between University of Minnesota and University of Nebraska. How’s that for breaking the mold? At this house, college wrestling will always trump Tom Brady.

Actually, pretty much everything trumps Tom Brady. Sorry, dude. Your wife on the other hand carries some serious clout around here. Scott and I both have a huge crush on her.

Giselle Bundchen

Did you know Giselle was discovered at a McDonald's? And I bet she wasn't even eating a cashew nutritional yeast flake cheeseburger.

Because we switched between wrestling and football, I only saw about half of the game and missed all the commercials.

I did, however, witness enough action to realize that Eli Manning should not have been named MVP.

No offense Eli, but in my book, this distinguished honor belonged in the angelic, Will-Ferrel-esque hands of Afro Ginger. Talk about a complete oversight.

Afro ginger Superbowl Tight Rope Halftime 2012

Afro Ginger rocked the tightrope.

No. He made love to the tight rope. It was beautiful.

But apparently, it’s a slack line, not a tight rope.

And his name is “Sketchy” Andy Lewis, not Afro Ginger. He’s being referred to as “king of the slack line” in internet land.

Whatever his name is, he single-handedly saved the entire half-time show. If that doesn’t deserve the MVP trophy, I don’t know what does.

Aside from my new favorite slack liner, the mid-game entertainment was pretty disappointing, although I did think it was really nice of them to let Joan Rivers perform.

Madonna Super Bowl Halftime 2012`

Wait...that's not Joan?

Alright. I’m creating a new rule. If you’re older than my mom, you’re not allowed to dress up like a cheerleader and lip sync in public. Or in private, for that matter. Unless it’s to  “Don’t Cry Out Loud” by Melissa Manchester, in which case I’d love for you to send me a video recording.

Madonna the cheerleader, Super Bowl halftime

The punishment for breaking my middle-aged cheerleader rule? Being upstaged by a man in a sequined black Snuggie, of course.

Cee Lo and Madonna Super Bowl Half Time

He's like Puff Daddy's twin who's actually puffy!

As much as I’d love to make a couple more snarky comments about Cee Lo right now, I just can’t bring myself to do it. Despite his poor judgement in endorsements (those 7-up commercials are ridonculous) the man is legitimately talented, and I was impressed that he chose to actually sing during the live event. What a concept.

He’s also inspired me to craft a sequined Snuggie of my own. Just because I’m working from home doesn’t mean I can’t add a little swagger to my lazy blanket-clothes.

I suppose I should also apologize to Ms. Madge. It’s not nice of me to make fun of you, even if you do have veiny arms.

Madonna veiny arms

Maybe she SHOULD take a hint from Joan Rivers and Botox those suckers.

Ok…that was the last jab. I promise. I’m really going to try to be nicer to you from now on. And give you more compliments. Like calling out the fact that you’re 53 and in better shape than I’ll ever be. I respect that.

My newfound kindness springs from the final message of your performance…I’m really trying to take it to heart.

World Peach Super Bowl Half Time Show

I'm sorry...is this the Super Bowl Halftime show, or the on-stage interview segment of a beauty pageant?

Umm…ok…now I’m definitely über confused.

I know what you’re thinking. “How can I make Madonna’s Super Bowl dream of World Peace a reality?”

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