In honor of today’s travel itinerary, I’ve decided to lay down some airport rules, Moses style.
They were even forged on a tablet. (iPad, not stone.)
1.Thou shalt not cut me in line.
If you do, I will be forced to cut you.
Like, with a sharp object.
Alright, alright…I won’t cut you. But I’ll certainly shoot you some nasty looks.
And “forget” to cover my mouth when I sneeze in your direction.
There. You’ve been warned.
2. Thou shalt not dress like a bum.
I get that you want to be comfortable. But you know what’s comfortable? Jeans, ballet flats and a loose-fitting blouse.
Now please, un-tuck your sweat pants from your Ugg boots and pull yourself together.
*Note: If you’re traveling with your husband (who has a freshly broken neck), and a hyperactive chihuahua on a redeye flight to Salt Lake City, you get one free pass to wear socks with sandals. But only this once.
3. Thou shalt complement my luggage.
It’s Diane Von Furstenberg. Not complimenting it is practically a sin.
(Sorry, but it’s the truth.)
4. Thou shalt not charge me $12 for a bagel.
Even if you are the only breakfast joint in the terminal. It’s a bagel, not a magazine subscription.
Also? Refusing to toast said bagel and charging extra for cream cheese is punishable by me dramatically finding an imaginary band-aid in my food.
In front of all your other
5. Thou shalt not open a can of tuna mid-flight.
Especially if you then whip out some mayonnaise packets and prepare an inappropriately fragrant tuna salad sandwich.
6. Thou shalt not remove thy footwear mid-flight.
Even if the stinky tuna sandwich you are eating does cancel out the stench of your bare feet.
7. Thou shalt not ruin first class.
I paid a lot of money for this upgrade so that I might enjoy a few bloody marys and some extra leg room. Not so I could hear you brag about your chalet in Connecticut for three hours. And no, I don’t care that you’re considering investing in Pepsi. Even if they are the ones responsible for the delicious bloody mary mix I’m slurping down while I pretend to listen to you.
8. Thou shalt not eat the seat from my pants during an overnight weather delay.
I’m talking to you, Jolie.
Yes, this actually happened, and yes they were my only pair of pants. Thankfully, I returned to the airport donning a long trench coat to cover up the fact that I was wearing the skinny jean equivalent of…well…chaps.
9. Thou shalt control the fruit of thy loins.
I completely understand that sometimes babies cry, no matter how much you try to soothe them.
But six year old boys? They have absolutely no reason to sob uncontrollably for three hours straight.
Oh…and when you’re eight-year-old kicks me repeatedly, I will kick her back.
What? She started it.
10. Remember the in-flight nap, and keep it holy.
If my eyes are closed, I don’t want to talk to you.
Same rule applies if my headphones are in, or if the in-flight movie is playing.
I mean, come on. This is quite possibly the only chance I’ll ever get to watch the remake of Footloose uninterrupted, and I don’t want to throw it away so I can hear you talk about your cats. Even if one of them does happen to look exactly like Zac Effron.
So…the good news is that I made it to Seattle.
The bad news is that I smell like tuna fish.
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