The Masterpiece ⁵

by Katrina • Uncategorized

Last week, I received a text message from our friend Nam asking me what my dream weapon would be.

Without even having to think, I instantly responded with “Definitely a pink gun.”

(I saw one on My Big Redneck Wedding two years ago, and have desperately wanted one of my own ever since.)

A day later, Nam informed me that he had something for Scott and I when we arrived in Seattle. His exact words were “You’re going to poop your pants when you see it.”

Immediately, I asked him if he meant we would poop our pants in a good way, or in a bad, explosive way.

His response? “Depends on what you’ve been eating.”

Being that I have all the patience of a four year old child on Christmas Eve, I pestered him for details about his impending surprise. When he told me he had found the pink shotgun that Lady Gaga had used to kill animals for her meat dress, I was almost positive he was being facetious.

Yet I held on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he had been able to win the meat dress weapon on some sort of bizarre eBay auction.

As it turns out, the surprise Nam had in store for us was a million times better than a stupid pink meat dress gun.

Remember this photo from the creepiest Pinterest endeavor in the history of creepy Pinterest endeavors?

Let’s just say the above photo doesn’t even hold a candle to the new painting it inspired.

Behold, the latest Nam Huynh original.

Scott’s reaction? ”This piece of artwork has more symbolism than a Salvador Dali painting.”

After getting over the initial shock of realizing Scott actually knows who Salvador Dali is, I saw he was totally right. If symbolism were like pimples, this painting would need a serious dose of Accutane.

You know what I mean.

Here are my 4 favorite things about Nam’s masterpiece.

1. There’s a story line.

If you look closely, you’ll see that Scott and I entered this prehistoric war zone via a boat with pink sails. Obviously, Nam realized I wouldn’t be caught dead in a sailboat that didn’t have pink sails. He’s thoughtful like that.

After bushwhacking through the forest with some help from Scott’s Zelda sword, traversing the ominous river via drawbridge and killing a giant green dinosaur simply because we thought he looked “smarmy”, we feasted on an innocent bystander, leaving only their skeleton in tact before posing for our victory portrait.

Basically, it’s a pretty accurate account of a typical day in the Taylor household.

2. Attention to detail.

I love that Nam took the time to include Jolie in the portrait, even remembering to include her crooked right ear.

I also love that he put a wedding ring on Scott’s finger. Scott hasn’t worn his wedding ring in over four years, and I think this is Nam’s subtle way of telling him that’s pretty much the worst idea in the world. Thanks, Nam.

And then there’s my beloved pink handgun. My beloved pink handgun which has the date on it and is held with a freshly manicured hand. This is what Picasso would have referred to as “baller status.”

3. It features a lava monster about to commit suicide via jumping into a giant volcano.

Probably because he’s terrified of my pink gun. Or possibly my rabid chihuahua.

4. It’s valuable.

Probably the most valuable thing we own. In fact, I think we’re going to have to create a will so that if anything happens to us, this priceless work of art doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. While we haven’t made it official yet, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure we’re going to entrust it to my brother Janss. You know, so he can sell it for an obscene amount of money, and use the profits to quit his job at Safeway.

You’re welcome, Janss.

*****

While Scott, Jolie and myself are completely enamored with Nam’s painting, there was one problem: How were going to get it back to Minnesota?

 

A suitcase was out of the question — it was too large to pack, and we didn’t want to risk squashing it.

Yet carrying on the plane also provided countless opportunities for disaster. It clearly wouldn’t fit in the overhead compartment or beneath the seat in front of us, and something told me the flight attendants wouldn’t give the painting its own seat. Even if they did, I’m afraid someone would steal the canvas for themselves while we were napping.

Ultimately, we opted to have the portrait professionally packaged and ship to our home in ‘Sota. It should be arriving later this week, and I can’t wait to hang it across from “The Duke”, our sassy gay deer friend.

Please don’t take offense, Nam. He calls everyone “girl”.

In the meantime, I’m trying to figure out a way to thank Nam for such a wonderful gift. Something Scott and I can present him, that will in turn make him poop his pants.

(In a good way.)

In keeping with the artistic theme, I was thinking we could make him one of these DIY Love is Art paintings I blogged about here? You know, the ones that allow you and your loved one to  ”safely make a tangible piece of abstract expressionistic art while being intimate with each other”.

 

You’re right.

Worst. Idea. Ever.

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