The handbag of shame and manipulation 8
 |
I’m not proud of what I did.
Okay…at least not totally proud. Let’s call it a mix of guilt and ecstasy. Guecstacy, if you will.
A few weeks ago, Scott and I got in an argument. I believe it started out with me opening the pantry door only to be attacked by an avalanche of Doritos that covered my favorite pink trench coat in salt, crumbs, and fake cheese powder.
Fake cheese powder is not a trend this season.
Was the deluge of chips Scott’s doing? Probably not. But he’s the only person at my in-laws’ house that I have the courage to be snarky with, so he took the blame.
Think that in itself makes me a terrible person? Just you wait.
I’ve decided the only thing worse than arguing with your spouse is arguing with your spouse in front of other people. This particular spat happened while Scott’s step-siblings and their significant others were visiting.
This is why, instead of saying something harsh and critical, I plastered a sugary sweet smile across my face while smugly cooing “Oh, Scott…guess what? I bought a new purse online today.”
That my friends is how you upset the husband, without upsetting the company.
Did I buy a new purse? No.
Am I proud of this? No.
Did it work? Oh yes.
Eventually, my irrational hissy fit passed and we were able to enjoy the rest of the evening. Seriously, I don’t know how my husband puts up with me sometimes, but I want to take this moment to thank him for sticking it out.
Scott — someday I’ll make it up to you by selling all my handbags and putting the money towards luxury smoothie ingredients.
Today is not that day.
Fast forward 48-hours. While lying in bed before falling a sleep, Scott rolled over and asked “So, how much did the new purse actually cost?”
This is the moment where I should have ‘fessed up and said something along the lines of “I didn’t actually buy a new purse, honey…I was just trying to get under your skin. I’m really sorry.”
Instead, I chose to go with “Oh it wasn’t that much money…probably didn’t cost more than your Nordstrom shopping spree a few weeks ago.”
He let out an agitated sigh and rolled over to snuggle with Jolie, who hasn’t bought a new purse in over four years.
“What? I like the way this one smells.”
I ordered the bag of lies the next morning. I had already done the time, so I might as well commit the crime, right?
It was not right. Or honest. Or something I ever plan on doing again.
So while I’m beyond obsessed with my new Louis (you may have seen a sneak peek of him on the Fashion page yesterday), he is tainted.
Trendy on the outside, guilt-ridden on the inside.
Tainted because he came into my possession through fraud, trickery, and worst of all, Doritos.
Bad Louis. Oh, who am I kidding? Bad Katrina.
Basically, this handbag represents what a wretched, unscrupulous person I sometimes can be.
And what a kind, forgiving person my husband is. Are you ready for this? He’s not making me take it back.
Either he truly has a heart of gold, or he’s realized that keeping the handbag will do a number on my conscience and teach me a lesson.
Whatever his reason, I am not worthy.
As we drove to Small Town yesterday morning, I couldn’t help but smirk when a precariously balanced bag of crackers in the backseat tumbled onto Louis, covering him in a fresh dusting of gluten-free crumbs.
Very funny, universe.
On the bright side gluten-free crumbs are far more fashion-forward than fake cheese powder.
What crispy bag of snacks will fall on me next?
Sign up for email updates to find out! Also? I’d put my money on Sun Chips.
|
Feb 29, 2012 @ 22:31:32
Oooh I love it!!! Classic and you’ll have it for years. The cost per wear will make it a “smart buy.”
Mar 01, 2012 @ 07:58:59
That was my thinking, too, Nicole! It’s an “investment” piece that will pay for itself in the long run. Scott is still failing to see that argument…
Mar 01, 2012 @ 03:13:03
I read this entire post to Colin tonight because we relate to soooo much. Except, my favorite line is… “I did something bad today. I bought a new pair of shoes.” Then he loves me and forgives me and I learn no lesson and take advantage of his kindness again about 2 weeks later. How did we get so lucky with such kind hubbies?!
Mar 01, 2012 @ 03:13:28
I read this entire post to Colin tonight because we relate to it soooo much. Except, my favorite line is… “I did something bad today. I bought a new pair of shoes.” Then he loves me and forgives me and I learn no lesson and take advantage of his kindness again about 2 weeks later. How did we get so lucky with such kind hubbies?!
Mar 01, 2012 @ 08:01:22
Lindsey, reading this makes me feel extremely happy/relieved. I kid you not, as I published this I thought, “Lindsey is going read this and think I’m a terrible person and probably disown me!!!!” Hahaha. I’m glad somebody else can relate!! Are you stocking up on new shoes down in NZ yet?
Mar 01, 2012 @ 14:46:17
Oh nooo… I totally support consumer purchases. I justify my spending habits by telling myself that I’m helping to employ people and make a designer’s dreams more of a reality…something like that.
The shoe situation is crazy here. Lots of odd shaped, suede platforms. I hear that the best shoe shopping is in Wellington (an hour’s plane ride south) or Melbourne, Aus. (sigh) Guess I’ll be spending my regular shoe allowance that I give myself on Tim Tam’s.
Mar 22, 2012 @ 16:22:45
Oh my god. This might be my favorite blog post of all time. I’m not smart enough to be this bad, but maybe I could learn. Hilarious!
May 01, 2012 @ 07:29:19
I got a Louis for my birthday (the bag’s name is delightful, and he lives up to the name). However as a born and raised small town girl I’m feeling a little bit insecure. I’m glad to know there is someone else in the state with some Louis in their life! (Okay there were 2 old ladies looking at Louis when I went to the galleria to buy a wallet (i couldn’t have the bag without a wallet!) however they just don’t count).