I’m referring to Jolie, of course.
That’s 49 in dog years — she’s pushing 8 by our human standards of aging.
How has such a stunning pooch gone so long without being deflowered?
Her previous owners had her fixed at a young age. Sure, it was the responsible thing to do…but don’t you think she would have made j’adorable puppies?
All I’m saying is that something is terribly wrong with the concept that Snooki can procreate, while Jolie remains barren and alone, forced to keep a miniature stuffed squirrel as her lover.
Jolie has tried dating other dogs a couple of times, but it never ends well.
In fact, Jolie doesn’t really like other dogs at all. She’s been known to get scrappy, picking fights with her fellow canine’s, no matter how large they may be.
Yet somehow, after nearly fifty years of single-hood, Jolie has managed to let a new man into her life.
And no, it’s not Clay Aiken.
Nope, not Mr. Vuitton, either. Although they have been getting along swimmingly.
The man I’m referring to is simply known as “Uncle Rocky”.
Why does this dashing black poodle bear the title of “Uncle”?
Rocky belongs to Scott’s dad and step mom, which essentially makes him Scott’s brother and, consequently, Jolie’s uncle.
It’s called genealogy, people.
But don’t worry…in the dog world uncles and neices can pursue romantic relationships without being considered incestuous. Trust me, I’ve done research.
Their courtship has blossomed while we’ve stayed at Scott’s dad’s place in preparation for our move to Small Town next week. Rocky and Jolie have had ample time to pursue their four-legged romance, and their relationship has made progress that is nothing short of astounding.
They’ve gone from this:
Jolie’s finally found true love. Sure, it’s with her 70-year-old uncle who openly struggles with incontinence, but when you have a bald spot on your right thigh and are regularly beat up by cats, you can’t exactly afford to be picky.
Plus, Rocky treats her like a queen. He sits quietly in the corner while she scarfs down all of his food, and even gifted her his red bandana when they started “going steady”.
Now if only Jolie could flash gang signs at the bully-cats with her paws.
Needless to say, I haven’t had the heart to let Jolie know that Uncle Rocky keeps trying to cheat on her.
With my leg.
Despite being fixed.
I’m not sure what’s more disturbing…the fact that Jolie has engaged in a relationship with a dirty old poodle man, the idea that this dirty old poodle man just happens to be her uncle, or the harsh reality that my leg has unintentionally become entwined in their flea-ridden love triangle.
No matter what happens, I’m not tying that red bandana around my leg.
For Jolie’s sake.