Vacation

Best Summer Ever (According to me) ⁸

Here in the upper Midwest, we’ve completely bypassed the phenomenon known as “spring”. Just a few short weeks ago we were experiencing below freezing temps and blizzard-like conditions. Fast forward to present day, where it’s 90 degrees and the A.C. is on full blast. But I’m not complaining! Summer is my favorite season, and as long as I don’t have to wrap myself in a parka when leaving the apartment, I’m a happy camper.

Speaking of happy, a few friends and I have vowed to make 2013 the year of the best summer ever. We’re kickstarting the warmer months with a California getaway, and plan on carrying the momentum of ‘fun’ with us all the way through September. But experiencing the best summer ever doesn’t just happen…there’s planning involved!

(And by planning, I clearly mean shopping.)

Here’s my ten go-to items to help you kick off your very own best summer ever.

1. Fiesta Island 8 Person boat thingy*

Who says you have to be rich to spend the summer chilling on the lake? This inflatable party island is affordable, easy to store, and doesn’t require gas! Ummm…sign me up, please?

*Yes, “boat thingy” is a technical term

2. CeraVe SPF 30 Sunscreen

If there’s one thing Scott knows about, it’s “scrizzle“. (And getting in fights with chihuahuas, but that’s an entirely different blog post.) Working in dermatology makes him a bona fide sunscreen expert, and this is his hands-down top pick. Bonus? It’s super lightweight and easy to apply while being fairly gentle on the wallet. Save your self from premature aging (not to mention skin cancer) and slather up!

3. St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse

Protecting your skin from harmful UV rays doesn’t mean resigning to a summer of pastiness. (Although the older I get, the more I’m finally starting appreciate the pale look.) This self-tanner is an investment, it’s easily the best product I’ve found, and a little bit goes a long way. Plus, it’s Giuliana Rancic’s favorite product–and let’s face it–that girl has a PhD in all things spray tan. St. Tropez sells a foam application mit, but I recommend picking up some cheap latex gloves instead. They’ll keep your hands from turning orange, and you can toss them when you’re done. Easy peasy!

4. Ben & Jerry’s Late Night Snack

Summer just isn’t summer without some delicious frozen dairy product. While I’ve been loyal to Ben & Jerry’s since college, I never ventured far from my two signature flavors — Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia. A friend recently suggested Late Night Snack (dreamed up by Jimmy Fallon!) and I’ve been hooked ever since. Four words: chocolate covered potato chips!

5. Roller Derby Women’s Aerio Q-80 Inline Skate

I’ll never forget the first summer Scott and I spent in Syracuse. I had just started graduate school, and he was earning minimum wage while working odd jobs on the side. We could barely pay rent on our converted motel room apartment, and it was clear that we were going to be doing summer on a major budget.

Late one evening, Scott returned from a night shift at his restaurant and was visibly on edge. “That’s it!” he exclaimed furiously, “I’m buying us roller blades!”

“Huh?” I responded with confusion and just an ounce of concern.

“I realize we have no money, and aren’t going to be able to do anything fun the summer…but I budgeted it out, and I think we can afford a new set of roller blades for each of us.”

“Okay,” I hesitated, “But why roller blades?”

“Whenever we’re bored, we’ll drive to the lake and roller blade around the park. That will be how we have fun this summer. These roller blades are going to be an investment.”

The following day, we each had a brand new pair of K2 roller blades. Just as Scott planned, we went out on them whenever we needed something to do. We must have skated 500 miles that summer–and saved at least that many dollars. But you know what? We still have those roller blades, and use them to this day. Going out for a skate on a nice afternoon continues to be one of our most loved summer traditions, and is a great way to burn off all that chocolate covered potato chip ice cream.

Imagine that. Roller blades really are a good investment.

6. Aquage Sea Salt Texturizing Spray, 8-Ounce Bottle

I swear by this stuff. It’s perfect for that summer beachy look and requires absolutely zero effort. Anything that means I don’t have to spend thirty minutes blow drying my hair is a winner in my book.

7. Nordstrom Cotton Mesh Fedora

Every summer I buy a cheap, straw fedora.

And every summer the cheap, straw fedora gets crushed and ruined in my suitcase or beach bag. It never fails.

(Sometimes, Scott and I resort to simultaneously wearing our matching fedoras at the airport, to avoid the inevitable luggage squishing.)

It’s cute when Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson do it. Scott and Katrina? Not so much.

I love this Fedora from Nordstrom for its affordable price point, but also its solid construction. The cotton mesh material is practically un-squishable!

(Scott loves it because we’ll no longer be the douchey coordinated couple at Terminal D.)

8. Ray-Ban RB3025 Aviator Large Metal Non-Polarized Sunglasses

These aviators just scream summer. The best part? They’re unisex!

(This totally convinced Scott to let me purchase them as we can share them between the two of us.)

(Obviously, I get first dibs.)

9. Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey Whiskey

Never in a million years did I think I would actually enjoy whiskey.

Guess what?

I actually enjoy whiskey!

This honey-infused liquor has a sweet, warm taste and is divine on its own, or paired with cola, ginger ale or lemonade.

(Tip: Tastes even better when sipped from the Fiesta Island inflatable boat thingy.)

10. Express Sleeveless Portofino Shirt

I just picked this up in Chelsea Blue, and am completely in love. It’s lightweight, comfy and universally flattering! It’s versatility means it looks casual cool with a rugged pair of jean shorts, and ready for a night on the town when paired with skinnys and heels. Pick this up in multiple colors…I promise it will be an integral part of your summer uniform.

***

That’s my list! Did I miss anything? I’m dying to know…what are your ultimate summer must-haves?

P.S. My latest article for Levo Leage, 7 Conference Call Commandments You Must Follow, is up today! I’d love it if you hopped on over to check it out!

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Trouble in the nude ⁰

Last Wednesday, Scott and I found ourselves taking a sunset walk with a purpose.

Our mission? To find the nude resort that was rumored to be just ten minutes from the hotel we were staying at in Mexico. Hand in hand, we walked barefoot through the sand until we saw it — a large sign advertising a clothing-optional beach, complete with a warning that cameras were strictly prohibited.

“Look, Scott!” I chirped with excitement, “This is it!”

As you may or may not know, I don’t care about being naked. At the age of seven, I even composed a song with my sister entitled “Everyone is naked beneath their clothes.” Scott likes to give me crap for this until I promptly remind him that he used to make up songs about feces– this instantly eliminates all of his credibility, and I’m free to continue bragging about my songwriting skills.

Scott had never visited a nude beach, but was certainly intrigued when he learned we were just a hop skip and a jump away from dozens of birthday-suited strangers. Naturally, we both decided to crash the resort and take a skinny dip in the Gulf of Mexico, just to say we did.

When we informed his family of our plans, we were met with mixed responses. “It’s just a body,” I explained, “If you think about it, a butt is just like a nose — everybody has one!”

They swiftly explained it wasn’t the butts they were worried about. This was probably for the best as despite being very comfortable in my own skin, a nude romp with the in-laws could end up being more than a little awkward.

*****

As Scott and I crossed the perimeter into clothing optional territory, we noticed the beach was jam-packed with cabanas full of naked people–none of whom were swimming in the ocean. There was quite a bit of seaweed that day, and I can only guess that battling Mexican kelp without a swimsuit could get a little bit…um…sticky.

“I don’t think we should use a cabana, Scott. You probably have to reserve those.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, “But look up there at the pool — everybody’s naked in there, too. Want to just go over there?”

Everybody was naked. And there was no seaweed!

“Sure!” I responded a little too excitedly as we climbed the steps up to the private pool area.

Apparently, this was a bad idea.

A very bad idea.

Ten feet away from the entrance to the pool, a man in what looked like a police uniform approached us.

“Excuse me, you two. Are you guests at this resort?”

“Yes.” I lied.

“Well then, where are your bracelets?” he inquired sternly.

Somehow, the plethora of body parts had distracted me from the fact that every single person wasn’t totally naked. Looking around, I began to realize they all had a small black and silver band wrapped loosely around their right wrists.

“I’m sorry sir,” I said in my very best I-didn’t-do-it voice, “I think we…um…left them in our room?”

Scott rolled his eyes. Apparently, I wasn’t very convincing.

“I’m sorry, but you can’t visit the pool unless you are a guest at the resort and have a bracelet. You can walk past on the beach, but this area is private, so you aren’t allowed to stay.”

Our heads hanging in defeat, we retreated. It was looking like we were going to be all talk and no walk in regards to our clothing-optional adventure. And then, just as I was about to give up all hope, Scott had a breakthrough.

“Hey…we could probably go skinny dipping on this part of the beach. Technically, we’re off their property.”

“Pfft.” I chuckled. “Only by, like, three yards.”

“Still,” he continued, “I don’t think there’s anything they can do to stop us once we’re off the premises.”

I realized he was right. I had come all the way to Mexico, and so help me God, I was going to skinny dip in the ocean. Seaweed and all.

And then I realized Scott was wrong.

So very wrong.

Unfortunately, half of my swimsuit had already been untied by the time I made this discovery. (On the bright side, nothing had yet been exposed.)

The guard from earlier, flanked by two of his colleagues, began running towards us and blowing whistles. ”PUBLIC BEACH! No nudity on a PUBLIC BEACH!” was their battle cry.

“Quick!” Scott screeched, “Get your suit tied up! I don’t want to go to Mexican prison!!!”

I did has he told. Judging by what I’ve seen on Locked Up Abroad, I’m sure we would have no problem skinny dipping in Mexican prison. Still, I didn’t want to chance it. I’m smart enough to realized that neither Scott or I would do well in jail. Honestly, I don’t think we could even handle juvey.

Thankfully, security let us off the hook after they saw us walking back to our resort, our swimwear fastened securely in place.

I think there’s a moral to this pathetic and humiliating story: You actually have to pay large sums of money for the right to be naked in Mexico. Who would have thought?

*****

Main photo courtesy of epSos.de

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Guess where I am right now… ¹

I’ll give you a hint: It starts with an “M” and ends with an “exico”.

Yeah…I never was very subtle.

We’re with Scott’s family in Riviera Maya celebrating two birthdays — Scott’s 30th and his Mom’s 60th!

I’m sure I’ll have a slew of stories to share with you as soon as I’m back –but in the mean time, I wanted to set some vacation goals.

And yes, I absolutely set goals for my vacation.

Because I’m ambitious.

(But mostly because I didn’t really know what else to write about.)

I thought it would be fun to spell my goals out — one for each letter of M-E-X-I-C-O. Creative, right? Okay…maybe it’s not creative. But at 8:00 pm on a Monday evening, it’s all I’ve got.

Aside from a glass of Shiraz that is seriously inhibiting my typing skills.

fjkld;ajfkd;afjd

Told you.

M is for Margaritas

And mojitos. And Merlot. Basically, I’m really thirsty, and plan to capitalize on the all-inclusive aspect of our trip.

E is for Exercise

The goal is to work out every morning. It sets the tone for the day and makes me feel less guilty about escaping the heat of the afternoon sun by pounding cheesecake inside the 24-hour, air-conditioned buffet.

X is for Xylocarp

Bet you didn’t think I’d come up with one for X, did you?

A Xylocarp is a defined as “a fruit, such as a coconut, having a hard woody pericarp”. And a pericarp is defined as “the walls of a ripened ovary or fruit”. Funny, I never knew coconuts even had ovaries. Do you think they also have fallopian tubes?

Anyway, I think if I drink an artificially flavored pina colada, I should be covered in the xylocarp department. Naturally, I’ll ask the bartender to hold the ovaries.

(Side note: If you already knew what xylocarp meant, you’re probably way too smart to be reading this blog. Just saying.)

I is for “I can’t believe she’s actually wearing that”

Take my word for it. The Katrina fashion is going to be ridiculous. Like, I-may-or-may-not-have-bought-a-Carrie-Bradshaw-inspired-turban-at-Nordstrom ridiculous.

I assure you, there will be photos.

C is for confidence

So…I kind of got fat.

Actually, I take that back. One of my pet peeves is when people who are not fat say they are fat. I realize that I am not overweight in the slightest. But I have put on twenty pounds since moving to the land of cheese curds and supper clubs, and my lower half kind of looks like it’s made of tapioca pudding that really likes to dance when I walk.

Sorry for the visual, but I assure you, it’s extremely accurate.

Anyway, I’ve decided I don’t really care. What’s the point of spending all that money on a vacation if you feel self-conscious the whole time, right?

The group exercise studio I teach at has printed out motivational phrases posted all over the walls. One of them is “I’d rather be covered in sweat at the gym than clothes at the beach.” I actually really like that saying, but for this vacation, I’m changing it to the following:

“I’d rather be covered in tapioca at the beach than eating a salad at the snack shack while everyone else orders quesadillas and oh my gosh they smell delicious can I please have just a tiny bite?!?”

Translation? I’m going to rock my love handles.

O is for Octopus

We’re going snorkeling and I desperately want to see one.

As soon as I typed this, I realized that there might not actually be any octopi in Mexico. So, I went ahead Googled it.

I probably shouldn’t have done that as now, I’m positively terrified that I’m going to be eaten Steve Irwin-style bit a giant Mexican squid. Thanks a lot, Google.

On the bright side, I don’t think squid or octopi have a taste for tapioca, so at least there’s that.

*****

As soon as I’m back, I’ll update you on how I did with each of these aspirations.

As long as I’m not eaten by a family of octopi, that is.

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Mexico: The Photos ³

I mentioned earlier that I accidentally forgot to bring our camera to Puerto Vallarta.

And I’m so glad I did.

Why? Because the photos my friend Julie shot turned out way better than anything I could have taken with our 2007 Cannon Power Shot.

No…I didn’t pick the Powershot because Maria Sharapova was in the commercial.

Photo by ChrisGampat

I picked for much more important reasons…you know, like the white fluffy dog in the commercial.

Anyway, Julie’s photos are so beautiful, I couldn’t help but throw them up on the blog and rub the awesomeness of our vacation all over the internet’s face, making it extremely jealous.

Because the internet can never go on vacation, obviously.

Take that, internet.

The beach at our resort. I’m guessing this was taken early in the morning before it was littered with empty pina colada cups and cellulite. (Mine included. On both accounts.)

The other side of the beach. In the distance is the restaurant where I accidentally ate a salad, appetizer, bacon wrapped fillet, brownie sundae, and two milkshakes cleverly disguised as blended cocktails over the course of one hour. Oh…and the prawns Scott couldn’t finish. Hence, the cellulite that littered the beach.

Being as we were in Mexico, Scott felt growing a mustache was necessary.

And then he transformed himself into Mexican artist Frida Kahlo

The real Frida. I have a sneaking suspicion this is what Salma Hayek would look like without the modern luxury of waxing.

The gang. (Our gang sign is holding up an empty margarita glass and gesturing for a refill.)

I was feeling pretty hard-core after showing the waves that Hurricane Katrina was boss. And then Scott pointed out the blood running down my back, which was covered with boogey board scrapes. Five minutes later, I was stung by a hornet. So much for being hard-core.

Oh you KNOW I wasn’t going to Mexico without my Easter bonnet fascinator. I did make the mistake of wearing it the night of a huge wedding at the resort, and kept getting confused for the bride. Woopsie.

The girls. It kind looks like an Oreo where everyone is really tan, and I’m the pale, white icing in the middle.

It’s just not a vacation until someone uses a nursing breast pump on their chin. While wearing a ridiculous tank top, naturally.

Scott, exfoliating himself. This might even be worse than the breast pump/tank top combo.

Again, I am the pasty white frosting of a very tan Oreo.

Scott and Katrina on the beach in Puerto Vallarta

Scott and I on the beach. There’s another photo where I look much skinnier, but Scott’s doing something inappropriate, so I couldn’t use it. That’s why I appear royally pissed off while he’s looking quite pleased with himself.

Scott and Katrina at Dreams Resort Puerto Vallarta

Told you I looked skinnier

Getting ready to SCUBA. Sadly, this is probably the most flattering swimsuit I wore the entire week.

I look so uncomfortable here. Probably because Scott was still wearing his seaweed mustache.

You know how they say if you kiss a sea turtle, you’ll turn into a skinny person? Okay…so maybe I made that legend up. For the record, it doesn’t work.

“I can’t believe I got my hair done for nothing. I’m just going to have to keep knocking over Katrina’s lattes until she finally agrees to bring me on vacation.”