First things first. Can we talk about my college buddy Ben dominating the Octagon last night?
Photo by Fábio Gianesi
Seriously…don’t mess with us Dana grads. You should have seen the girl I ran into last week who tried to convince me that my bachelors degree “didn’t count” as my undergraduate institution had closed its doors.
Let’s just say my revenge was similar to the involuntary tattoo scene from “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”. Basically I scrawled “The Dana Difference” across her abdomen in pink Sharpie while Jolie licked copious amounts of peanut butter off of her face.
“How can something so wrong taste so right?”
Anyway, it looks like somebody’s definitely getting a new car from her UFC champion friend. A Bentley named “Ben” perhaps?
Relax. I certainly don’t expect Ben to buy me a new set of wheels. However, I wouldn’t be opposed to borrowing his new belt. You know, to wear out to Happy Hour sometime.
It’s big, it’s gold, it accentuates the waist. Perfect for pairing with a tunic and leggings.
Again, I’m totally kidding.
(But only because I don’t think they have Happy Hour anywhere in Smalltown.)
Also? I’m morally opposed to sharing accessories with the husband.
Totally would look better with leggings and a tunic, right?
In all seriousness, it feels like Christmas around here. Last night was Ben’s big fight, and tonight is the Oscars. Talk about a weekend jam-packed with fierce competition and shiny, gold awards! I’m particularly excited for tonight’s festivities as I missed the Academy Awards last year while travelling in the Caribbean.
I know. Don’t you feel really sorry for me?
It’s all fun and games until somebody discovers the free Pina Coladas.
My antics in Cozumel that day made me a shoe-in for “Best Performance in a Comedy.”
Or tragedy, depending on how you look at it.
Actually, the most appropriate title would be “Best Performance in a Hot Mess”, but that category doesn’t exist just yet. Although I’d argue that it should be added. You know, so Lindsay Lohan can finally take home an Oscar.
“I’d like to thank the academy. And the bartender.”
Photo by Rafael Amado Deras
The more I think about it, the Oscars aren’t all that different from a UFC fight…I mean, at both events, the celebrities make a grand entrance.
Sure, there are a few minor differences. Hollywood celebrities glide across the red carpet in Fred Leighton jewels and dresses worth more than my car. On the other end of the spectrum, MMA stars don plastic chains and Affliction t-shirts while storming into the arena as their ”entrance song” booms in the background.
Speaking of which, if any MMA fighters are reading this, would you please consider walking in to “Mama Mia”?
That would quite literally make my life. (“Defying Gravity” from Wicked would also suffice.)
But back to this random comparison that I promise will start to make sense soon. Once in the Kodak Theater/Octagon, the competition gets fierce.
Sure, the MMA fighters are more open about their hunger for victory, but you know those Hollywood stars are every bit as competitive.
So, when you saw Nicole Kidman politely clapping as Natalie Portman accepted the trophy for Best Actress last year, she was really thinking about going all UFC and smashing her pregnant little face in.
At least I’m assuming so.
And then there’s the speeches. Sure, Hollywood A-listers use words like “lovely”, “delightful” and “delicious” in their remarks, while UFC fighters typically climb on top of the cage and scream, before snatching the microphone from Joe Rogan’s hand and yelling something macho.
Personally, I hate when actors describe directors as “delicious”. Despite what I may have said before, cannibalism is not sexy.
Half naked men, glistening with sweat, mounting a giant cage and making primitive noises? Definitely sexy. At least Jolie seems to think so.
“Sweat is the only thing tastier than peanut butter.”
But the movie stars do have one advantage. They wear the previously mentioned gowns that cost more than my car.
Which is why I will watch, with bated breath, as they parade down the red carpet.
And then I will judge them in tomorrow’s blog post; picking apart every last detail of their hair, their makeup, their dresses, and their answers to interview questions.
The fact that I will be doing this while wearing stretch pants and eating caramel corn is obviously irrelevant.
So, stay tuned for tomorrow’s scathing review of all things Oscar fashion. In the mean time, win your own award by entering the most fabulous coffee giveaway in the history of this blog! You have less than two days left!
Who will be the best dressed? And, more importantly, who be ostracized by a girl wearing stretch pants?
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