One of my guilty pleasures is reading US Weekly magazine.
Photo via Us Weekly
Actually…I don’t feel even slightly guilty about it, so perhaps it’s more of a simple pleasure.
I even used to have a subscription, until it mysteriously stopped arriving in the mail one week. Something tells me my husband was behind this, although he has yet to admit to it.
He also has yet to admit to the fact that he read every single issue, and had some pretty serious opinions on Suri Cruise’s fashion choices.
Anyway, one of my favorite sections in the magazine is the Hot Hollywood “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” piece they do every week, featuring a different celebrity.
Really, Whitney? You’ve NEVER eaten pasta? (Insert eye-roll here)
Photo via whitneyport.celebbuzz.com
Each week, as I scan through these mundane factoids about D-List celebrities, I secretly wish Us Weekly would do one of these on me.
And then I remember that I’m not famous and eat pasta on a semi-regular basis.
But today, I had an epiphany. This is my blog, and nothing is keeping me from pretending that I am a D-list celebrity who doesn’t eat pasta for a day.
So, I’ve chosen to reveal ten things you probably don’t know about me.
I would have done twenty-five, but because I tend to…um…overshare on this little blog of mine, coming up with just ten was quite a stretch.
1. I was second runner-up at the 2008 Mrs. New York America pageant
Believe it or not, I was going to try to track down a horribly embarrassing photo from this…but alas, the internet decided to swallow all evidence of me prancing about in an evening gown so that no one else might be subjected to it.
Thank you, internet.
However, if the photos were to somehow surface, you would see my not-so-happy husband on stage with me as my “escort” for the evening. I’m pretty sure he’s never been so morally opposed to anything in his life.
2. I’m a singer
By no means am I good enough to be on American Idol or anything, but I did go to college on a vocal scholarship. I’ve been singing since the age of two, and am good enough to school you in karaoke.
Sorry, but it’s the truth.
3. I’m a cat person
Believe it or not, Jolie is the first dog I’ve ever owned. In fact, when Scott brought her home, I tried to convince him to take her back after a mere two days. And then, one evening when I came home from the gym, she gave me a greeting that was similar to this and my heart melted. I’ve been carrying her around in my purse ever since.
Growing up, we always had cats. Seabass (I named her myself) was my personal favorite. She littered 19 kittens before being eaten by a raccoon in 2003.
This is the point when things went horribly awry. My dad, who happens to be a real-life cat whisperer, decided he still wanted feline companionship without having to pay for cat food. This is how he ended up stealing the neighbor’s outdoor cat. By the time I came home for the summer after my freshman year of college, “Misty” was spending upwards of 20 hours a day in our house.
Obviously, my dad would let her outside to go to the bathroom and eat food at the neighbor’s house. Over the course of two years, I don’t think he spent a single dime on food for that cat. “I provide it with love“, he argued.
The strangest part is that our neighbors were fully aware of the fact that my dad had stolen their cat. When they moved, they explained that they would have let him keep it, if it weren’t for the fact that their grandchildren were aways so excited to see it when they came for a visit.
So there you have it — I’m a cat lover turned dog person. But if you think about it, at seven pounds zero ounces, Jolie may as well be a cat, anyway.
4. I drink pickle juice
Because it is delicious.
And because my blood pressure is so low, the extra sodium doesn’t seem to do much harm.
Also? I highly recommend adding a splash of pickle juice to your bloody mary. It’s to die for.
5. I was the fattest baby born in the state of Alaska during July 1984.
Nine pounds, ten ounces.
And yes, I still brag about this.
6. I used to work at McDonald’s
It was my first job, and it was terrible. Mostly because I never made it past flipping burgers. And partly because I kept getting scolded for sneaking milkshakes.
I will say this…I’ve worked in four different restaurants, and McDonald’s was by far the cleanest. Their food may be unhealthy, but at least it’s McSanitary.
7. I almost posed nude for an artistic photo shoot
This actually relates to the Mrs. New York America pageant. The guy I had hired to take my head shots was earning his master’s degree in photography, and wanted Scott and I to go bare for a series he was doing on couples.
I was actually considering it until he showed me a giant photo he had shot of a butt-naked pregnant woman (she had to be at least in her third trimester), standing in a back yard gazing at a kiddie pool. Her husband, also naked, was mowing the lawn.
At that very instant, visions of me, naked as a jaybird and holding a weed-wacker flooded my brain.
Obviously, I was forced to decline.
I’m sorry…but cellulite and lawn care equipment are neither sexy or artistic, not matter how hard you try.
8. Speaking of mowing the lawn….I’ve never actually done it.
It’s not that I’m lazy or afraid to get my hands dirty.
It’s more that my dad is a control freak, and always feared we wouldn’t do it right. In all honesty…forbidding me to come into contact with a lawn mower was probably a very good call.
His mentality was when it came to most chores and household duties, he was the only person who knew how to do things “the right way”. This is the reason why I had also never done a load of laundry until starting college. I spent an entire month washing my garments with nothing but fabric softener before my roommate was kind enough to give me a lesson.
9. I don’t mean to brag…but I’m a pretty good dancer.
I figure that the good Lord gave me a big bootie for a reason–and that reason is to shake it.
I’ve been contemplating uploading a home video of my skillz on the blog, but am still feeling a little sheepish. Maybe if you leave lots of encouraging comments, I’ll consider it.
(Side note: Scott is also a fantastic dancer, but we have two totally different styles and senses of rhythm. Watching us on the dance floor is kind of hilarious. And by hilarious I mean painful.)
10. My pet name is “Trats”
Scott’s actually had a series of pet names for me which date way back to when we first started dating in 2003. It started with “Pumpkin Butt” which soon evolved to “Poopy Butt”, and then finally became “Mrs. Poopy”.
There have been dozens more over the years, but “Trats” is the most recent, and has stuck for a good twelve months. It derives from the word “Treats”, which just happens to be our dog Jolie’s favorite word. For some reason, Scott started referring to everything as a treat, including his wife. He eventually decided he didn’t like the letter “e” and shortened it to “Trats”.
Variations include “Trattles”, “Treatsie Girl” “Tratsies” and my personal favorite, “KaTrats”.
There you have it. Ten things you probably didn’t care to know about me — or as I like to call it, ”Ten reasons why Us Weekly has failed to call for an interview”.
But if they do call, I’ll totally be using “KaTrats Taylor” as my celebrity stage name.
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