The lipstick stalker ⁴

You know that blissful feeling of discovering a blog, and instantly falling in love? You scroll through the archives, take in all the content you can, learn as much as possible about the blogger and catch up on all the exciting content you’ve been missing out on. Naturally, you follow them on Twitter and Instagram, like their site on Facebook and subscribe to them via your blog reader of choice. Their site is the first one you check in the morning…and when you see a new post has been published, you feel your heart skip a beat.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to meet my newest blog crush.

Helena from Brooklyn Blonde

I briefly mentioned Helena in Tuesday’s post about how a trip to Brooklyn inspired me to make some life changes. A highlight of my weekend in NYC was taking in all the effortlessly edgy street fashion. The minute I returned to ‘Sota I found myself Googling “Brooklyn Style Blog” so I might continue to gaze longingly at trendy fashion eye candy straight out of my favorite borough. Helena’s blog ended up being the top search result.

The past three days have been a giant blur of obsessively devouring the Brooklyn Blonde archives, creating an inventory of what items I need to add to my wardrobe, and browsing ShopBop.com while asking myself “What would Helena buy?” I may have even attempted to purchase duplicates of a few of the items (cough! cough! military jacket! cough!) Helena features on her site.

And then I realized the ‘ish she wears is expensive.

Real expensive.

Fortunately, Helena also shares the different types of makeup she wears, which are much more conducive to my Minnesota budget. While I can’t afford her adorable Chanel bag or classic black Louboutins, possessing every single shade of lipstick she wears is surely the next best thing, right?

This is the reasoning that led me to purchase five new tubes of lip color this week.

Yup. Five.

That’s not creepy, right?

Alright…maybe these side-by-side photos I’m about to show are a little bit creepy. Helena…if you’re reading this, please rest assured that I am not some crazy stalker. I’m simply a makeup-loving, fashion-forward female who appreciates good style and adores your lips.

Uh…I think that may have come out wrong.

1. MAC Candy-Yum-Yum lipstick

I’m a sucker for a statement lip, and this color from MAC did not disappoint. The only downside? It kind of makes my teeth look yellow. Looks like it’s time for a secret rendezvous with my Crest White Strips!

I made the mistake of forgetting to wash this stuff off before Turbo Kick class last night. While it looks fabulous with a stylish outfit, pairing it with workout clothes and a messy ponytail looks a little…well…1980s cray cray. (Lesson learned the hard way.)

2. MAC Ruby Woo lipstick

This one might be my absolute favorite. It’s a red with just a pinch of yellow/orange undertones, which makes it perfect for day time. Bonus points for making my teeth look somewhat white-ish! It’s my new go-to shade, and I’m currently working up the balls to wear it on during a video conference tomorrow.

3. Maybelline Color Sensational Lipcolor in Coral Crush

I’ve got to say — for a cheap drugstore brand, this stuff stays put for hours. It’s a little bit dry, but if you pair it with some gloss or chapstick, application is much easier. I’m really loving the orangey-coral shade as a fun alternative to neutral lips.

4. MAC Russian Red lipstick

This red is slightly darker/more blue-toned than Ruby Woo, and is perfect for evenings out. Again, it’s a super flattering shade, and makes those pearly whites look like they are fresh out of the bleaching tray. Hesitant to drop fifteen bones on a tube of lipstick? So was I…but Brooklyn Blonde has made me a believer! This stuff goes on so smoothly, lasts for hours, and requires zero lip liner. Trust me — you’ll be addicted after one application.

5. MAC Twig lipstick

So…this one isn’t an official Brooklyn Blonde color, but while I was haphazardly adding tubes of Mac lipstick to my cart, this one kept coming up as a recommended item. The color had nearly 300 5-star reviews, and I figured if I was already spending over fifty bucks on lip color, what harm could just one extra tube possibly cause? I’m so delighted I decided to go for it. It’s a beautiful neutral color that is perfect for the days where you simply don’t feel like having people stare at your Technicolor lips and wonder if you’re mentally stable.

Because I’m currently saturating my pucker with lots of pigment, I figured it was time to take it easy on the peepers and save my signature smokey eyes for days when I go with a more subdued lip color. Consequentially, I’ve only been wearing mascara. And ladies, have I found a mascara for you! While shopping at Nordy’s a few months ago, I was given a sample of Chanel mascara that basically changed my life. Alright…’changed my life’ may be a bit of an exaggeration, but trust me, the stuff is nothing short of miraculous. I recently ordered a full-size tube and couldn’t be happier with my investment. While I never imagined spending thirty dollarss on something as accessible as mascara, I also never thought I’d own anything by Chanel. Needless to say, my lashes feel quite fancy and have been blinking with a little extra ‘tude now that they’re coated in designer cosmetics.

So, there you have it. I’m officially coming clean as a lipstick stalker. I swear I’m not dangerous or cause for alarm. I’m simply a lost soul of the internet who allows my blog crushes to manifest in online cosmetic shopping sprees.

Uh…that’s totally healthy and normal…right?

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Resorting to threats ²

So…the blog was hacked. Again! And it just had to happen on the day I was planning to share my fabulous Oscar red carpet review with you all. (Insert me, stress eating truffle oil popcorn, here.)

I’ve reached the point where I don’t even want to talk about the incident. I’ve taken extra measures to ensure the security of this site, updated everything a zillion times, changed all my passwords and personally penned an extremely nasty letter to Florence Welch in which I threaten her and little Miss Carly Rae with at least seven ounces of dog pee.

(I think it’s really going to work.)

(But in case it doesn’t, I’ve recruited some additional assistance from the other members of my household.)

Florence…if you hack my blog again, be prepared to deal with some major consequences.

threat-jolie

threat-jennifer

threat-katrina

Fine. J-Law technically isn’t a member of this household…but I’m sure she’d be willing to help a sistah out. And really, aside from that minor embellishment…this is pretty much the way conflict is handled in the Taylor house.

(P.S. I know you didn’t hack my blog, Florence. It’s just easier to cope when there’s someone to ~~point the finger at~~ think about when you’re taking pictures in a cat shirt. Don’t worry…we would never allow Jolie to infiltrate your bed.)

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When technology makes life difficult ²

We all make purchases we don’t want others to know about, right?

Or maybe that’s just me.

And probably Donny Osmond.

Just saying.

Anyway, the other night I was lying in bed perusing Amazon via my iPad. I had an item I needed to buy, and didn’t feel like crawling out of bed and using my laptop.

The item I was shopping for would definitely qualify as something better left private. It wasn’t anything bad or shameful, but sharing the details of the purchase would be blatant TMI. That’s the beauty of online shopping — you have complete and total privacy, making TMI moments nearly impossible.

Until Amazon asks if you would like to share your purchase with all 718 of your friends on Facebook.

You would think Amazon would have some complex algorithm that detects whether or not the items in your shopping cart are share-worthy, and displays the Facebook prompt on a case-by-case basis. You know…cute little pirate costume for a chihuahua = totally sharable. Embarrassing thing I purchased at 10:57 pm on Thursday September 6th = not sharable. Not sharable in a million years.

Looks like the developers at Amazon have some work to do.

I instantly declined the sharing option for the sake of my sanity, my dignity, and all my relatives who I’ve friended on Facebook.

But what if it accidentally posted it anyway?

Being that I don’t trust my iPad as much as a traditional computer, I sprang from my bed to check Facebook on my laptop. Thankfully, my little secret had stayed just that — secret.

Just as I was about to breathe a sigh of relief, I remembered something potentially disastrous.

Two years ago I had purchased a vintage holiday movie on DVD for an office Christmas party through my personal Amazon account, and was later reimbursed. Because of this, my department’s credit card number and mailing address had been saved to my profile. Instantly, visions of my coworkers opening a FedEx package with my name on it danced through my imagination. What would they say? Would the scream? Cry? Punch a hole in the wall and then blame it on me?

Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. The secret item really isn’t that bad. Still, accidentally charging or mailing the purchase to my company would have been even more embarrassing than the time I mistakenly emailed my former boss an alphabetized Christmas list thinking I had instead sent it to my brother-in-law.

In a cruel twist of fate, both of them are named Kevin.

(True story. And yes, your boss will think less of you once he knows you asked your husband’s brother to buy you high heeled rain boots.)

After ensuring that my employer’s billing and shipping information had been deleted from my account, I realized Scott’s office address and credit card number were also in there.

This really could have been catastrophic.

Like, I don’t even want to think about the pandemonium that almost ensued because it kind of makes me want to rip my eyelashes out.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that while modern technology makes life easier 99 percent of the time, there’s still that one percent that is responsible for all of the people out there who are driven to compulsively pluck our their eye bristles out of sheer anxiety.

So, the next time you see someone walking down the street with missing eyelashes?

Blame it on Amazon.

(Or possibly eBay.)

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@GravyStyle ²

There are plenty of ways to tell if someone has too much time on their hands.

For example, if a certain individual goes out of their way to purchase organic, grain free kibble for their dog, and then takes the time to microwave sed dog food in a Pyrex measuring cup with a ratio of one part food to two parts reverse osmosis filtered water for exactly 90 seconds before letting the food cool to a palatable 155 degrees farenheit prior to serving?

They clearly have too much time on their hands.

(They also have a dog who prefers their food served “gravy style”)

And, if on a long stretch of interstate somewhere in South Dakota, that individual ends up creating a full-fledged Twitter account for this dog?

They really have too much time on their hands.

(Their smart phone should also probably be confiscated.)

What I’m trying to say is, Jolie is finally on Twitter. You can blame this on the state of South Dakota and their incredibly dull highway scenery.

Jolie’s handle?

@GravyStyle. (But only because @BellyRubz was already spoken for.)

She typed the description up herself, which took approximately three hours. Not bad for someone who doesn’t have thumbs and reads at a first grade level.

I’m not saying you have to follow her or anything…but if you want the latest updates on how miserable life is when you’re rocking three pairs of nipples, you probably want to consider it.