Holidays

How to ruin Mother’s Day. (For a duck, at least.) ⁰

Last week, Scott and Jolie came in from a walk with a little extra pep in their step.

“Guess what?!” Scott exclaimed jovially.

“Jolie finally lost her virginity?” I wryly remarked.

“No. Better. We found a duck nest.

(Maybe it’s me, but how exactly is that better than Jolie getting de-flowered at the tender age of 56?)

“It’s just behind the apartment on the edge of the pet exercise area,” Scott continued. “Jolie’s actually the one who found it. She started growling suddenly and scared off the mama duck. Sure enough, there was a nest full of eggs. You should see them! They’re surprisingly big…just like chicken eggs!”

Jolie’s tail wagged in delight as she panted vigorously while running about in clumsy chihuahua circles. Clearly, she was still experiencing the high of her suburban duck hunt.

“Isn’t it bad to chase the mother away?” I inquired. “Sometimes they don’t come back, right? Especially if you let Jolie sniff around in the nest. Her scent is probably all over it.”

Scott shrugged casually. “Possibly. I’ll keep an eye on it. Hopefully she’ll be back tomorrow.”

She didn’t come back the following day. Or the two days after that. In fact, when Scott took Jolie out for a stroll yesterday evening, he returned with some extra baggage in tow.

Abandoned duck eggs. You can tell he felt really bad.

Okay…maybe not THAT bad.

Moments later, Scott began preparing a free-range duck scramble. “Look at the color of the yolk, Katrina. These are gonna be delicious. They’re basically farm-fresh!”

“Technically, they’re back-of-the-apartment-pet-exercise-area-fresh.” I retorted while rolling my eyes. “I still can’t believe you stole duck eggs.”

“Katrina,” Scott reasoned, “the eggs were ice-cold. The mother hasn’t been back since we scared her off last week. I feel bad about what happened, but at least this way the eggs won’t go to waste.”

While I knew Scott was right, something about stealing unborn ducklings on such a sacred day felt inherently wrong. “Yeah…but don’t you realize what day it is?” I hinted.

“I know, I know.” Scott sighed. “That duck is having the worst Mother’s Day ever. But don’t get upset with me…Jolie’s the one who scared her off in the first place.”

At the sound of her name, Jolie slowly rolled across sofa while breaking wind and licking her chops. Truly, this waterfowl Mother’s Day gone wrong wasn’t anyone’s fault…just an unfortunate pet exercise area coincidence.

Still…out of respect for mothers of all species, I declined Scott’s stolen scramble, no matter how delicious he claimed it to be.

Quack quack.

The same cannot be said for Jolie.

“I may still be a virgin…but at least the ducks fear me.”

Here’s hoping your Mother’s Day was slightly more PETA-approved than ours.

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The Terrible Twos ²⁰

I can hardly believe I’m saying this, but today, ‘Sota turns two!

(Here’s hoping it doesn’t start throwing tantrums in the middle of the supermarket when I refuse to buy it Fruit Stripe gum.)

In honor of this special day, I’m celebrating by sharing my two favorite posts from the past year, along with two semi-major accomplishments, and two things I’ve learned. Let’s dig right in shall we?

FAVORITE POSTS

Fifty Shades of Chihuahua - When life hands you a broken cankle, why not stage a sexy photo shoot starring your dog?

Katrina Shaming - Like dog shaming…but with opposable thumbs! (And clothes from K-Mart.)

SEMI-MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

I got a check from Google!

Sure, it was for a mere $107, and took 14 months to earn…but you guys…Google wrote me a check! Obviously, the goal of this blog has never been (and never will be) to make money. Still, it only made sense to slap a few ads on my pages and turn somewhat of a profit from something in which I invest so much of my time.

Scott crunched the numbers, and pointed out that I’m earning approximately .03 cents an hour. (Guess who’s no longer getting a delicious slice of blog birthday cake?)

I’m kind of, maybe, just a little bit a real writer!

My writing is going to be published online!

By somebody other than me!

(I kind of have to pinch myself every time I say this.)

A good friend in New York, who reads the blog from time to time, asked me to become a contributor for Levo League – an online community for Gen Y women. Obviously I jumped at the chance! My first piece, ‘The Dress Code Dilemma’, goes up early next week. I couldn’t be more thrilled for this new partnership and hope to continue to write many more pieces for Levo League.

(This will also probably the only time my writing will be 100% error-free, as there’s an actual editor combing through it before it goes live. Talk about a first!)

WHAT I’VE LEARNED

Always update your WordPress theme

Remember when the blog was hacked? And then hacked again?

All in all, some questionable characters from Eastern Europe were able to completely take down my site on four different occasions. Thankfully, the people at BlueHost were able to completely restore things after every single incident. I don’t even think they rolled their eyes when I called back for the sixty-eighth time! (Although it was over the phone, so I suppose I can’t be entirely sure.)

After a bit of tech support sleuthing, we were able to determine that the hackers were using my outdated WordPress theme and plugins as a back door to wreak some serious internet havoc.

The moral of this story? Always stay on top of your WordPress updates.

It’s not all about the numbers

I had set a goal to reach 2,000 subscribers by today. Clearly, that didn’t happen.

But you know what? I’m celebrating anyway! The blog continues to grow, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that people I don’t know actually choose to come here and read my daily musings/first world complaints. It’s beyond flattering.

I’ve built great connections and–I hope this isn’t weird to say– feel like I’ve become friends with some of you frequent commenters! Sure, I make six cents a day in ads and only gained 100 new subscribers this year…but I don’t care! I feel like we have a great thing going, and I’m oh-so-thankful to every single person who is apart of this relatively small, but slowly growing community. Thank you, from the bottom of my Whirley-Pop lovin’ heart for reading my daily nonsense and not judging me when I fail miserably at litter box training my chihuahua or decide to compete in a beauty pageant. Your readership means the world to me.

*Side note: Scott has graciously volunteered to clean the bathrooms today in honor of my second blogiversary. Looks like he’ll be getting a slice of birthday cake, after all.

**Psst! Missed last year’s blogiversary? You can read all about it here.

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30 Days of Thanks ¹

Hello blog friends! I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving filled with friends, family, and perhaps most importantly, gravy.

Despite being sick as a dog on Turkey Day, I truly enjoyed spending the holiday with Scott, Jolie, and a good friend who visited from Seattle. Sure, my sinuses were more congested than a Los Angeles freeway and I nearly coughed up a lung or two during the meal, but I didn’t let that stop me from stuffing my face with all the scrumptuous cuisine that laid before me. (Such sacrifices in caloric intake are necessary when you have three pies for three people.)

It’s safe to say that out of all those gathered around our table, Jolie had the best time of all. After napping beneath a cave of throw pillows for eight consecutive hours, she emerged to feast on a turkey heart, liver and pair of kidneys topped with gravy before retreating back to her snuggle spot without having to was a single dish. She was spotted later gorging herself on approximately two pounds of pie crust.

This may not have been the best idea before a long car ride in an extremely cramped Toyota.

Unfortunately, the power of 10,000 air fresheners couldn’t make a dent in the stench of her gizzard-inspired flatulence.

Aside from the doggie indigestion, it was a pretty wonderful holiday and I truly had a lot to be thankful for.

Which leads me to today’s post.

I’m sure many of you have seen or even taken part in the 30 Days of Thanks challenge. For the month of November, participants post one thing they are thankful for each day on the social media outlet of their choice. According to the website, “The thing for which you give thanks can be big or small–it doesn’t matter, because even 30 small gratitudes will add up to something awesome by month’s end … What you’re thankful for can be anything at all–as long as you’re consciously thankful for it. That’s the key.”

While I adored the idea of this challenge, I think we all know I sometimes have trouble committing to something like this for more than a few days. (Cough!…cough!…The Outfit Project!…cough!) It is for this reason that I’ve chosen to spew all my nuggets of thanks on you in one fell swoop. Grab your macaroni people — it’s about to get cheesy up in here.

30 Things/People/Ideas/(And okay…fine…accessories!) I’m Thankful For

1. Scott

He’s my best friend. He cooks me fabulous gourmet pizza and forgave me for soiling his favorite board shorts on a trip to Hawaii. (Long story.) In our nine years together we have changed so much, but we’ve done it together. While he constantly reminds me I have horrible taste in music, television and iPhone cases, he can’t deny that I have impeccable taste in men.

2. Jolie

I went from being deathly afraid of all things canine to allowing one to sleep in my bed and lick the sweat from my face when I get home from the gym. She is a snuggly, real-life teddy bear, and I couldn’t live without her. Also? She doesn’t care if I go a day or two without showering. (I actually think she likes me better on those days.)

3. My family

They say you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. Still…if you could pick your family, I’d pick the one I was born into. They’ve somehow managed to put up with me for 28 tantrum-packed years, and miraculously love me in spite of it all. They’ve also taught me to appreciate things like eating an entire jar of pickled herring while watching The Sound of Music on a tiny sofa packed with three other people.

4. My in-laws

I really lucked out here. While most people can complain about their in-laws ’til the cows come home, I truly enjoy spending time with Scott’s family. A good majority of the time I actually like them more than I like him. (No offense, Scott.)

5. My job

Where to begin? I love my coworkers, love the organization we work for, and love the work I get to do on a daily basis. It’s basically a giant love fest. I’m also deeply grateful that I was able to keep my job and work from home when we relocated to ‘Sota. I’ve always gathered a great deal of satisfaction from the work I do, and feel so blessed to have a career that challenges and fulfills me.

6. Scott’s job

Moving to ‘Sota when Scott changed jobs was a huge risk. We both felt apprehensive and vulnerable, but decided to go for it anyway. Nearly one year later, I am so incredibly glad we had the courage to do what we did. Much like myself, Scott is lucky enough to work with a group of really terrific people. His new job is a perfect fit on a variety of levels, and it makes me so happy to see the joy and contentment he experiences as the result of his work.

7. New friends

I can’t even begin to tell you how much the new group of friends I’ve formed in Smalltown means to me. They are funny. They are fabulous. When I sprained my cankle in a random parking lot, they dove toward the pavement to save my Louis Vuitton purse. They put up with my craziness. We have so much fun together, and they are easily one of the best aspects of my new life in Minnesota.

8. Old friends

Let me just clarify that I mean “old” as in “been friends for a long time” as opposed to “wrinkly skin and Werther’s original candies”. That being said, one of my favorite things about moving around so much is the awesome network of friends Scott and I have built in the process. To all of our peeps in Washington, Nebraska and New York — we miss you!

9. My brother’s safety

I’m so appreciative that my younger brother, who is currently serving our nation overseas, is doing well and staying safe. I’m beyond proud of him and happy that we’ve been able to receive frequent updates!

10. My side-gig at the gym

Teaching fitness classes at the local gym is a huge source of joy, stress-relief and socialization in my life. Sometimes I still can’t believe I actually get paid to work out and meet new people. (I also sometimes can’t believe people come to me for fitness encouragement/advice as I have a serious Double-Stuff Oreos Problem.)

11. Double-Stuff Oreos

Trans fat never tasted so good.

12. My health

While I’m battling a terrible cold-flu-sinus-infection-hybrid as I type this, I don’t have any major health problems that limit my lifestyle. Although the Oreo problem could possibly change that…?

13. Living in Minnesota

The more I live here, the more I grow to love it. In my not-so-humble opinion, ‘Sota is kind of the most awesome state in the Midwest.

***

(Warning…this is the part where I ran out of meaningful things, and stuff starts getting shallow.)

***

14. My Keurig

It may have been the best investment we’ve made all year.

15. The Internet

It helps me with the important things in life: working from home, keeping in touch with loved ones, and Googling how much Kim Kardashian weighs. (116 pounds. I keep visualizing her back side and can’t help but feel that something isn’t adding up with that number.)

16. The Four Seasons

No, not the hotel. (Although if I could actually afford to stay there, I’m sure I’d be very thankful for it.) Believe it or not, I’m glad to finally get to experience four distinct seasons of weather. After three years in Seattle with nine month rain spells which were briefly interrupted by quick glimpses of summer, I’m relishing things like humid summer nights, changing leaves, and even the snow I formerly refered to as Satan’s dandruff. Sure, it’s 5 degrees outside right now (yes, literally 5 degrees), but I kind of don’t mind it…?

17. Soup

It’s healthy, hearty and perfect for a 5 degree day like today. It also has a nostalgic element, as it reminds me of my childhood in the Pacific Northwest.

18. Target

There’s no disputing the fact that Target is on pretty much everyone’s list of favorite stores. There’s also no disputing the fact that the presence of a Target in Smalltown is at least 34% of the reason I’m enjoying my existence here.

19. Our vehicle

Sure, it’s lacking a hub cap, a leather interior and features like keyless entry and cruise control…yet it somehow manages to trek through the snow with all the gusto and stamina of a Northern Minnesota moose. It also averages an economical 37 miles per gallon on the highway. And while Scott and I do have to share it between the two of us, we’re both thankful it’s at least been paid off.

20. Wine

A simple pleasure that brings me great joy and makes watching football tolerable.

21. My church

I kind of feel guilty for putting this after wine…but I honestly forgot to mention up at the top of the list, and I didn’t want to go back and change the order/renumber everything. (Does this make me a bad Lutheran? The Lord will understand…right?) All jokes aside, I’m really glad to have found a church community here in Smalltown where I feel welcome and spiritually fed.

22. Scott

I wanted to put him in here again…for emphasis. (I also forgot to mention earlier that he loves Nordstrom Rack just as much as I do…that in itself justifies a second mention.)

23. Apple TV

Even if the screen saver is out to humiliate me, I’m thankful to have hours upon hours of free entertainment streamed through our wireless internet. I’ve been milking it for all it’s worth — which basically means I’ve burned through 115 hours of Gossip Girl in the past 30 days. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it.

24. The view from our apartment

Spending all day at home requires an environment that makes me feel inspired and comfortable. Our incredible prairie vista accomplishes both.

25. Youth

I feel as if youth is something that goes unappreciated until we’re older and it’s too late. While at twenty-eight I’m no spring chicken, I’m also not dead yet. I’m trying to be aware of this, and grateful for it.

26. Heat

As I mentioned earlier, it’s five degrees outside right now. Central heat is a very good thing.

27. Free time

I’m thankful for the moments I have to spend reading, cooking, crafting…and let’s face it…watching Gossip Girl.

28. GoJane.com

It’s pretty much the best website ever.

29. This blog

I’m passionate about telling stories through my writing. I care deeply about this blog, and am excited each day to invest my time in it. It is a wonderful creative outlet, and a giant source of delight in my life. It’s also a heck of a lot of fun.

30. You guys!

The fact that people actually choose to read this little blog of mine is something that never ceases to amaze me. I am beyond honored that you spend time here. I appreciate the support, feedback and camaraderie. I relish reading every single comment, and dig hearing your side of things. I love when you tell me I’m being ridiculous. I love when you tell me I’m not being ridiculous. Heck…I love when you tell me pretty much anything! What I’m trying to say here is thank you. Thank you for supporting me, and thank you for supporting my blog. I’m very thankful for each and every one of you.

(I’m also thankful there’s only 30 days in November…not to sound ungrateful, but I was kind of running out of ideas.)

****

Main image by Jon Ashcroft

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The Terrible Twos

The cranberries of wrath. ²

I pride myself on being a semi-skilled floral arranger. Perhaps it’s the designer in me, but I always seem to have fairly good luck combining fruit, flowers, and a variety of found objects to create fun and unique centerpieces for special occasions. This Thanksgiving, I’m keeping things colorful and simple, creating a tablescape that features green hydrangeas, my beloved mood moss, and cranberries.

My choice in materials is somewhat monumental as it’s been an entire five years since I’ve chosen to work with cranberries.

Correction.

It’s taken an entire five years for me to be able to work with cranberries again. Let’s just say the last experience was a little…well…traumatic.

It was the same year Scott’s family was traveling from Minnesota to join us for a vegan Thanksgiving in New York. Being that we were poor newlyweds who had foolishly spent all of our wedding money on a week of white river rafting and zip lining in Whistler instead of furniture, we would be eating our holiday meal sitting criss-cross style around a second-hand coffee table.

(A second-hand coffee table that had been the victim of an unfortunate run-in with a bottle of nail polish remover and was missing a significant amount of varnish.)

This was a huge blow to my hostess ego. While running to a home store and purchasing a new dining table wasn’t an option, creating a fabulously luxe centerpiece was. A tres chic tablescape would fit within our newlywed budget while hopefully distracting our guests from the fact that we were sitting on industrial grade apartment carpet.

Enter the cranberry topiaries.

Image from Better Homes & Gardens

The minute I saw this craft in a magazine, I knew it was the perfect solution to my coffee table dilemma. I would simply purchase some foam balls from a craft store, stick toothpicks into them, and then cover those toothpicks with an array of fresh, vibrant cranberries. It was genius.

It was also labor intensive. Twelve painstaking hours later, I finally had two giant cranberry topiaries, which sat delicately balanced atop gorgeous vintage candlesticks. I would have taken a photo, but my fingers were literally numb, swollen, and bleeding from the darn toothpicks. Sure, my final product looked exactly like the above photograph, but my hands appeared to have been dipped in a jar of acid and then wrapped in poison ivy. I’m not sure it was worth the trade-off.

When Scott arrived home, his reaction to my DIY masterpiece was somewhat disappointing.

SCOTT: Why are there giant cranberry balls on the table?

ME: They’re cranberry topiaries. I made them for Thanksgiving.

SCOTT: Well….you need to move them. That table is where we’re going to be eating.

ME: Right. These are the centerpieces.

SCOTT: Um, that’s not going to work. We’re not even going to be able to see each other over those giant cranberry balls…let alone have room for all of the food.

ME: Cranberry topiaries.

SCOTT: Whatever. So…how many bags of cranberries did it take to make those?

ME: About three.

SCOTT: Katrina, that’s so wasteful! We could have eaten them.

(Insert me, rolling my eyes.)

SCOTT: Actually…maybe we still can eat them.

Clearly, this was long before Scott got into composting. Otherwise, he simply would have accepted my decorative use of the berries, so long as they went in the shiny green compost bin after theit moment in the spotlight had passed.

Unfortunately, he had other plans.

And by other plans I mean homemade Craisins.

After Thanksgiving had come and gone (the topiaries were a hit, by the way) Scott insisted we leave the “cranberry balls” sitting out to dry.

For two entire months.

By late January, the cranberries had shrivelled up into miniature, wrinkled version of their former selves. The white foam craft balls they had one so handsomely covered were now blatantly visible under the thin shroud of Scott’s do-it-yourself Craisins. These topiaries-turned-eyesores sat prominently next to our television set where I was forced to stare at them on a daily basis.

ME: Scott…can we please get rid of these? They are so ugly.

SCOTT: Maybe you should have thought of that before you wasted three bags of cranberries on a silly craft project.

ME: Whatever. Everyone loved the topiaries. And seriously, Scott…these cranberries are haunting my dreams. They need to go.

SCOTT: Just wait one more week. They’re almost ready.

Wait we did. The following week, Scott finally garnered the courage to pluck a single cranberry from the not-so-gracefully aging foam balls. He popped it in his smug little mouth, chewed for a few seconds, and tried his best not to cringe.

SCOTT: They’re bitter.

ME: Told you. Let’s just toss them.

SCOTT: No. I’m going to soak them in sugar-water.

It was at this point I started to suspect these cranberries had a vendetta against me. Angered that they had been wasted on a centerpiece, they refused to leave our apartment. Their mission? To torment me with their presence until I vowed to never frivolously waste a cranberry again. It was the only rational explanation.

After eight hours of soaking in sugar, Scott decided to give the chastised berries another try.

SCOTT: Hey…they’re actually not bad. Try one?

ME: I don’t know, Scott…

SCOTT: Oh, just get over yourself and eat one. They’re good.

I did as he asked. After tentatively putting a berry in my mouth, I realized that calling these things “good” was a gross exaggeration. Characterizing their flavor profile is nearly impossible, but describing them as a petrified nugget of slightly tart cough syrup is as close as I can get.

After Scott sampled a few more, he too was finally I was able to see the light — them berries needed to go.

I couldn’t help but feel a sick twinge of satisfaction as we pried each fossilized berry from the tired tooth picks and dumped them into the waste basket. It had taken over two months, but I had won the battle against the cranberries.

Or so I thought.

As it turns out, one bad homemade Craisins can really do a number on your digestive system.

(Told you those berries had a vendetta against me.)

********

Looking for a Thanksgiving craft project that’s less labor intensive, and just as fabulous? Might I suggest these DIY turkey frills? They’ll take any bird from frumpy to fancy, and only require about five minutes of actual work.

Also, in case you’re in search of some last minute culinary inspiration, I thought I’d share what we’ve been cooking at our place this year.

Our Thanksgiving Menu:

Brined turkey (as described here)
Scott’s truffled mashed potatoes (potatoes cooked in broth, mashed with creamer, butter, roasted garlic and truffle oil.)
Scott’s truffled gravy…? (He won’t share his plan of action with me, but has been secretly watching gravy how-to videos on YouTube all week.)
My elegant turkey stuffing
My cranberry sauce extraordinaire
Green beans with browned butter and panko bread crumbs. (I’ve conjured this recipe up in my imagination…we’ll see if it turns out to be edible.)
Scott’s made from scratch dinner rolls
My caramel pecan pie (this stuff is like crack)
My homemade apple pie (complete with made from scratch crust)
A new endeavor in pie making – dairy free sweet potato pie with a gingerbread pie crust. (Sweet potatoes are totally the new pumpkins.)
We’ll also be enjoying a giant bottle of wine Scott selected based on the fact that it came with a three dollar mail-in rebate. Yep–we’re fancy like that.