Food

At least we didn’t get shot 7

Share

For this former Washingtonian, the Denny’s in Parkland brings back floods of fond, maple syrup covered childhood memories. Whenever my parents felt like an evening out, the six of us would pile into our wood panelled station wagon and make a pilgrimage to “America’s Diner”. Before the waitress even had the chance to hand us menus, my father would order six $1.99 grand slams and six waters. ”It’s the best value.” he would sternly say.

As we cleaned our plates, I dreamed of one day working at Denny’s–earning a king’s ransom in tips through exceptional service and witty banter with my customers. Free pancakes and popcorn shrimp would obviously be an added bonus.

Over the years, the restaurant of my youth has declined–or perhaps it’s always been crappy and I never noticed. Either way, I still secretly love eating there, despite it’s rough demeanor and questionable breakfast meat.

All this is to say, when my sister sent me the following text last Friday, I wasn’t exactly shocked.

Deny's text message

Apparently, she wasn’t either. ‘Ish like this really isn’t out of the ordinary in our ‘hood.

Speaking of P-town, the next morning I found myself back in my old stomping grounds–my parent’s house, to be exact. I had made plans to take my mom to breakfast prior to attending a wedding later in the evening.

ME: So…where do you want to go eat, mom?

MOM: Let’s go to Denny’s!

ME: We can’t go to Denny’s…two people got shot there yesterday–it was a drive-by. Let’s go with something a little less violent.

MOM (completely unphased): Oh…okay. Wagon Wheel?

ME: Yeah. Wagon Wheel.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the hot spots of the 98445 zip code, the Wagon Wheel is a 24-hour Parkland institution that sells beer for $1.50. They’re famous for having delicious, chicken-fried breakfasts, and a large, obnoxious sign.

Unfortunately, we made quite a disappointing discovery upon rolling up to “The Wheel.”

They had up and gone out of business.

ME: Look mom…they’re closed. For good. Do you just want to go to Starbucks and get pastries?

MOM: No, not really. I’m still kind of in the mood for Denny’s. Is that OK?

Long pause.

ME: I guess so. I mean…if someone just got shot there, chances are it won’t happen again for at least another month or so–statistically speaking, our odds for survival are actually pretty strong.

MOM: Right. And Starbucks doesn’t have good bacon.

She had a point. Five minutes later, we found ourselves seated on opposite sides of a booth in an extremely crowded dining room. Apparently, the people of Parkland are more than willing to risk their lives for a three dollar omelet.

Being that this could potentially be my last meal, I decided to go all out with a short stack of blueberry pancakes (extra butter and syrup), hash browns, sausage links, scrambled eggs, and several cups of coffee. Mom had the same.

MOM: Why does coffee always taste so much better when you don’t make it at home?

ME: I know. This coffee is totally worth a bullet wound. So are these pancakes.

MOM: Especially the pancakes.

We wolfed down our food, caught up on our gossip, and complained about my dad and his ridiculous pants collection. We felt totally safe — like the drive-by shooting never even happened. I even worked up the courage to use the ladies’ room before we left.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, our bellies full with grease and simple carbohydrates, I breathed a sigh of relief.

ME: Well mom, we didn’t get shot.

MOM: At least not yet. Hey–wanna go to the Quilt Shop?

ME: Not really. I kind of needed a few things from Target.

MOM: Yeah…but we’re far less likely to get shot at the Quilt Shop.

She was right. Worse case scenario, one of us would get stabbed with a crochet hook–but those things aren’t that sharp anyway. We probably wouldn’t even need stitches…just maybe a tetanus shot.

With an argument like that, I couldn’t really say no.

Well played, Mom. Well played.

Share

Liked this? Then try these:

I cried into my chili. Again. 8

Share

Yes, this has happened on more than one occasion. Three, if you want to get technical. I suppose there’s just something about a hot bowl of chili that gets me all worked up.

The first occurrence was in 2007. Scott and I were newly married, and decided inviting friends over for supper would be a very grown-up thing to do. I opted to make vegetarian chili in the crock pot along with a batch of homemade cornbread.

Things were going along swimmingly until Scott came over to add an extra clove of garlic to the mix. In slow motion, the garlic press combusted, its half-dozen mechanical pieces falling deep into the depths of our bubbling crock pot.

Almost immediately, Scott  went search and rescue on the chili. A slotted spoon in one hand, a pair of tongs in the other, he managed to recover all the missing pieces aside from one very large screw. Try as we might, neither one of us could seem to find it.

Unfortunately, our dinner guest (and his right molar) had no problem whatsoever locating the missing screw.

This was the first time I cried into my chili.

****

The second episode took place just a few short months later. I had whipped up another batch of chili, insisting this time that we avoid using the garlic press.

Unfortunately, I didn’t say anything about fingernail clippers.

The funny thing is, I didn’t even realize Scott had trimmed his nails in close proximity to our uncovered crock pot until I felt something small, sharp and pointy jab the inside of my cheek during my third bite of chili.

Spitting out that fingernail was possibly the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced aside from the time I accidentally sat in a stranger’s vomit. And even then, it’s a really close call.

That was the second time I cried into my chili.

******

The final incident went down this past Monday evening. Upon opening the refrigerator I realized Scott and I were the proud owners of approximately ninety pounds of organic vegetables that were about ready to spoil. We signed up for our first ever CSA this year, and while the produce has been wonderful, attempting to consume all of the vegetables before they go bad has been practically impossible with only two people.

Suddenly, I realized a big pot of chili would make a significant dent in our garlic, onions, and gargantuan mountain of shriveling bell peppers. And when I say “gargantuan mountain of shriveling bell peppers”, I’m not exaggerating. Under normal circumstances, I would use 2-3 bell peppers in a batch of chili. But this week? This week I used eighteen entire bell peppers.

Really it was less of a chili and more of a pepper soup with a few beans added in for good measure.

But I didn’t care. Those peppers weren’t going to waste. Not on my watch.

By the time Scott walked into the kitchen, the crock pot was about two-thirds full with nothing but chopped peppers.

“What are you doing?” he asked incredulously.

That’s when I lost it. I cried into that giant pot of chili pepper soup like I’ve never cried before. (At least over organic vegetables.)

I cried because it had taken me 45 minutes to chop those peppers.

I cried because despite using all 18 of them, we still had a fridge full of produce that would ultimately end up in the compost bin.

I cried because I wasn’t even hungry for chili.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing about this, other than I feel it paints a vividly accurate portrait of my current mental state. Things like spoiled vegetables and shriveling bell peppers are enough to send me over the edge.

So, if the blog’s been a little lackluster as of late, I apologize. I’m just not totally “there” these days. Let’s face it – people who cry into their crock pot full of makeshift bell pepper chili are in no condition to publish their daily musings on the internet. It’s just not a good idea. (Not that I’ve let that stop me from spewing my half-baked ideas all over Internet Land.)

On the bright side, my chili ended up being really delicious. Scott thinks it was all those extra peppers, but I’m convinced my big salty tears are what really amped up the flavor profile.

Share

Liked this? Then try these:

Tomato Pie 2

Share

There’s nothing too interesting going on around here, so my natural inclination is to talk about food.

Specifically, my food.

I don’t mean to brag, but when it comes to all things culinary, I’d give myself a solid A-. I love trying new recipes and I think that over the years, I’ve definitely mastered the basics and possibly even a few advanced techniques.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Scott would disagree with this personal assessment.

When it comes to my cooking, Scott seems to have a selective memory. Looking back over the past several years, I’ve had two major disasters occur in the kitchen. Both of these went down when I was fairly new to the concept of preparing my own food.

The first was in college. I insisted Scott let me make him a batch of my mom’s vegetable beef soup while at his apartment one evening. My method involved tossing all of the ingredients into an extremely large stock pot, turning the burner on high, and promptly leaving the room so that I might watch the latest episode of The Hills. I was hungry and didn’t want to miss Speidi’s faux wedding in Mexico — I figured this speedy cooking style would fit in nicely with my priorities for the rest of the evening.

Ten minutes later, Scott inquired as to what the strong burning smell coming from the kitchen was. Rushing to the stove top I made the disappointing discovery that all of the ingredients were charred and cemented to the bottom of the pan. I had wasted nearly thirty dollars of groceries. (On the bright side, I’ll never forget that you can’t rush homemade soup.)

My other mishap occurred when we were living in Syracuse. Scott and I had become the proud owners of half a dozen overripe bananas, which I had every intention of turning into a delicious loaf of banana bread. Again, my hastiness got the best of me. I decided that mixing the dry ingredients and wet ingredients separately and then combining them at the end would not only take far too long, it would create extra dishes. Combining everything in one bowl from the get go was the obvious choice. I mean, it all ends up there anyway, right?

Wrong.

So very wrong.

The end product was less like bread and more like a soggy banana meatloaf crouton monster with burnt edges and a creamy grey center. I tried to throw it out before Scott could witness it in all of its grotesque glory , but of course,  I was too late.

Six years, and hundreds of successful recipes later, these are literally the only foods I’ve prepared that Scott actually remembers.

Despite successfully cooking dozens of delicious soups since college, every time I start fixing some, he finds it necessary to remind me (in an extremely condescending tone) not to throw everything in the pot at once and then turn it on high.

As if I didn’t remember.

And if I hear “Oh no! You forgot that you have to mix the dry and wet ingredients together at the end…didn’t you??” one more time, I think I just might burn a loaf of banana bread to a rock hard brick simply so it will cause more damage when I chuck in his general direction.

Deep breath.

Needless to say, every time I try coming up with a new meal, Scott is extremely skeptical. I’ve dug myself a deep hole, and no matter how many savory dishes I whip up, he’ll never forget the stupid soup and banana bread.

When he came home last week to find me removing skins from the dozens of tomatoes our CSA provided, he flipped.

“Katrina! What are you doing?? I was going to make salsa with those!

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll get more next week so you can make salsa. I wanted to try this new tomato pie recipe I found online. Apparently, its way better than the tomato cobbler I wanted to make.”

“Tomato Pie?!? No! That sounds terrible! How will you keep the tomatoes from getting all watery? I don’t want to eat a pie full of tomatoes!”

I rolled my eyes and continued peeling the skins. It was too late to turn back.

A few hours later, this baby came out of the oven.

Tomato Pie

And it was delicious.

But of course it was delicious! I mean…I did get the recipe from Paula Deen, after all. I don’t think that woman is even capable of making anything that’ s not delicious.

Here’s the recipe I used, in case you want to make your own tomato pie.

Instead of using a cup of mayonnaise for the topping, I did a half cup of plain greek yogurt. I also threw in an extra tomato for good measure and used crumbled goat cheese (highly recommended) and shaved parmesan as opposed to cheddar and mozzarella.

Scott’s final verdict?

“Wow. This is really good.”

I could almost see his memories of the burnt soup and grey banana bread vanishing into thin air as he enjoyed bite after bite of my Paula Deen creation.

Until I made him tell me how good it was no less than fifteen times, that is.

I also may have danced around the table, throwing sprigs of basil while singing “I was right and you were wroooooong!!!”

Whatever. It was totally worth it.

Share

Liked this? Then try these:

No quiero Taco Bell. 4

Share

I’ve previously shared my ten airport commandments on the blog.

And you already know how I feel about flying with dogs.

But I’ve never really openly discussed how I feel about people eating Taco Bell on planes. Honestly, I’ve never really needed to discuss such a thing.

Until last night’s flight from ‘Sota to Seattle, that is.

Let me be very clear about how I feel about Taco Bell on commercial aircraft.

I don’t like it.

Particularly when the culprit waits until we’ve been in the air for over two and a half hours to open her ever-so-fragrant bag of grade-D meat burritos.

Especially when I’m already failing miserably at restraining a very hungry, and surprisingly strong chihuahua.

Share

Liked this? Then try these: