Crazy People

The search continues

The search continues 0

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Some of my favorite posts from the past are the ones detailing the colorful search terms people use to somehow find their way to this little blog of mine. Browsing the most popular keywords became a weekly hobby of mine that never failed to produce chuckles, confusion, and a few slightly concerned eyebrow raises.

But then, I let fear get the best of me. I was experiencing stress in a lot of different areas of my life, which ultimately resulted in worrying.

Irrational worrying.

One of these worries stemmed from the realization that people from all over the world were coming to my site via search. With the click of a mouse they were able to access piles of information regarding myself, my family and my home. What was keeping one of these people from  stalking me? Harassing me online? Showing up to my apartment with a pick axe in hopes of kidnapping Jolie? I decided to remove my blog from Google’s search index.

A few months later, I was diagnosed with mild anxiety. Anyone who knows me well probably wasn’t all that surprised by this. I chose to start taking a low-dose of anti-anxiety medicine, and soon started seeing the world with a much healthier perspective. While this newfound clarity affected all areas of my life, it specifically impacted my outlook on the blog in the following ways.

  1. I realized the goal of a blog is for people to actually read it. Having users from all over the world find my blog via search is a good thing.
  2. While I’m a pretty open book, I don’t reveal any information that is dangerous or harmful. I’m conscientious about the things I share online.
  3. There are way too many Maria Sharapova types on the internet for someone to want to stalk silly old me. I’m far less beautiful, wealthy and interesting. I’m also terrible at tennis. (Although I do have a Cannon Powershot…)

Long story short, I turned search capabilities back on a few weeks later. And thank goodness I did…there were some real gems buried in my Google Analytics. Let’s take a look at how people have been stumbling into ‘Sota-land through the lens of three different categories:

1. People who probably found what they were searching for.

  • Veiny arms (381 searches)
  • Ringworm medication (204 searches)
  • Granny panties (38 searches)
  • Hip hop sweatpants (27 searches)
  • Unicorn jeans (21 searches)
  • Drag queen makeup (17 searches)
  • Fat Katrina (15 searches)
  • Justin Bieber cake (15 searches)
  • Bristol Palin’s chin (14 searches)
  • Catsuit cameltoe (11 searches)
  • Why not to Google yourself (10 searches)
  • Guys with swag (6 searches)
  • “totally ate a guinea pig” (6 searches)
  • Ugly sweaty girl (5 searches)
  • Trying too hard (3 searches)

 

2. People who probably didn’t find what they were searching for. (At least I hope not…)

  • Naked people on motorcycles (45 searches)
  • Guinea pigs for sale (13 searches)
  • Towel bath romper for adult (9 searches)
  • Sexy corn (8 searches)
  • LARP costumes (7 searches)
  • Sparkly cellulite (4 searches)
  • How to look sexy puking (3 searches)

 

3. People who I desperately want to be Internet friends with.

  • Naked spa baptism (24 searches)
  • Crazy girl Sota is Sexy (22 searches)
  • “Dressed up as potatoes” (15 searches)
  • Rhino in love with a guinea pig (14 searches)
  • Casserole of broken dreams (12 searches)
  • Jesus playing soccer (8 searches)
  • Norwegian eyebrow styling tips (8 searches)
  • Nicki Minaj underwear (7 searches) **Does this exist?!? I need a pair!
  • Why is my face so sweaty? (7 searches)

 

Towel bath romper for adult? I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. If this post right here isn’t most convincing testimonial regarding the benefits anxiety medicine, I don’t know what is.

 

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Selling out

Selling out 2

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A snippet of a phone conversation between my sister and I…

 

Hayley: Oh my gosh…have you heard about these women who are selling their positive pregnancy tests on Craigslist?

Me: What?! No! Why would someone want to buy such a thing?

Hayley: Women are buying them to trick their boyfriends into committing. Isn’t that awful?

Me: Whoa. Bitches be crazy.

Hayley: Seriously.

Me: Where did you even hear about this?

Hayley: {Giggle} The Doctors. It’s my favorite show.

Me: That would be your favorite show.

Hayley: I like the main doctor…he’s cute.

Me: Travis Stork?

Hayley: Yes! How did you know that?

Me: He used to be one of our correspondents at Men’s Health. And he was the Bachelor. Duh.

Hayley: Ewwww. He was the Bachelor?

Me: Yup.

Hayley: Wow. I so don’t like him anymore.

Me: Wait…how much are these women selling these pregnancy tests for?

Hayley: Uh…I think like twenty to forty bucks.

Me: What?!? A pregnancy test costs almost twenty bucks–that’s not a very good profit margin…

Hayley: Not if you buy the cheap ones! Dollar store, baby.

Me: Wow. People are seriously messed up.

Hayley: Can you please blog about this?

Me: Obviously. I just need a good angle.

Hayley: Hmmm….

Me: Oh my gosh…I could buy one of the tests and trick Scott with it!

Hayley: Katrina! No!!! That would be so mean!

Me: What? Scott’s already in it for the long-haul. It’s not like I’d be fooling him into a commitment he wasn’t already making or anything.

Hayley: You absolutely cannot do that, Katrina. It would only end in a fight. No one would be happy.

Me: Relax. I was kidding. Kind of. Honestly, Scott would be more upset that I wasted forty bucks on a used pee stick than the faux pregnancy part.

Hayley: Whatever. You still need a new angle.

Me: Maybe I could blog about a ploy to make money off my own negative pregnancy tests?

*******

I’ve chosen not to further explore the ill-fated sisterly brainstorming session that ensued. The consolidated version: there simply is not a profitable market for negative pregnancy tests. The non-pregnant silver lining? I’ve instead decided to earn some extra cash by offering ads on this very blog. Am I selling out? Possibly. But at least there’s not a First Response pee stick involved!

Interested in having your product, website or blog seen by over 3,000 unique viewers a month? Click on over and see what I’m offering. Not only are these ads cheaper than a used pregnancy test…they’re way slightly classier. Plus, you won’t have to lie to your significant other about them. (At least I hope not.)

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my “angle” on the Craigslist pregnancy test scandal. Here’s hoping Hayley approves.

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VMAgggghhhh make it stop!

VMAgggghhhh make it stop! 2

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For the first time in my adult existence, I willingly skipped the MTV Video Music Awards. “I’m too old for that sort of thing!” I told myself while smugly watching the fourth episode of House of Cards and sipping my organic herbal tea. I was in bed by ten, pretentiously reading a book about disease prevention through diet while drifting away into my Sunday evening slumber.

Apparently, this is what twenty-nine looks like…?

When I awoke this morning, I immediately regretted my “mature” decision to skip the VMAs. Angry declarations towards Miley Cyrus ran rampant through Internetland. Words like ‘raunchy’, ‘vulgar’ and ‘twerking’ were used abundantly. It appeared there were teddy bears involved? And a manicured foam hand?

Why in the name of Maclemore did I voluntary miss such a spectacle in order to read how eating bread can give me Lupus?! I had blatantly ignored the platinum, diamond encrusted rule of YOLO. Shame on me.

Thank goodness MTV had me covered with on-demand clips of the entire show. I clicked on over to Miley’s performance video as fast as I could and pressed play. While her interpretation of ‘We Can’t Stop’ was tamer than I originally anticipated–all of the internet hype had me expecting something far worse–I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a teddy bear (or a foam hand) the same way again.

miley2

Yet what perplexes me most is how Miley’s out of control twerkage has seemed to distract viewers from the real travesty at hand.

Robin Thicke’s unsightly leisure suit and terribly off-key singing.

You guys…please tell me I wasn’t the only one that noticed this? Homeboy was flat. Seriously flat. Like…flatter than those non-existent butt cheeks shaking violently in front of him. I don’t care how distracting Miss Cyrus’ dairy aire is — a VMA nominated artist should at least be able to carry a tune.

Alan must have been so ashamed.

"And I thought Kirk Cameron was my most embarassing child..."

“And I thought Kirk Cameron was my most embarrassing child…”

And don’t even get me started on his fashion choices.

2013 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

 

I mean…seriously? Who wears that?

stripes

Whatever. At least I can sing on-key.*

And don’t have to claim Kirk Cameron as a sitcom brother.

(Although I certainly wouldn’t mind a homeless Leonardo DiCaprio staying at my house from time to time…)

*******

*Most of the time

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Squirrel Tail: Part 2

Squirrel Tail: Part 2 3

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I’m picking up where my last post left off, so if you’ve somehow missed the story of how I discovered I live next to a taxidermist, or the unfortunate account of my father Mark trying to salvage a decomposing rodent from the middle of our road, you might want to spend a few minutes catching up. This post may seem extremely bizarre otherwise.

(Although let’s face it…the whole thing is strange regardless of whether or not you know the back story.)

The moment I realized Mark had shown up on the neighbor’s porch against my will with an expiring squirrel carcass in hand, I was irate. It’s a very good thing Scott’s dad and stepmom had come over for dinner — the whole ‘don’t act up in front of the company’ rule kept me from going BSC (Bat S*** Crazy) and launching into a roadkill-themed family feud for the ages.

Instead, I calmly picked up the phone and dialed Mark’s cell.

(But only because my in-laws were present.)

He answered after two rings.

“Hi, Katrina! What’s up?”

“Dad,” I asked sternly. “Where are you?” This was merely a formality. I knew precisely where Mark had ventured off to.

“Oh, I’m just over at your neighbor’s place!” he responded cheerfully. “He’s helping me with this squirrel I found!”

“I hope you’re not embarrassing me, Dad.” I muttered with calculated control. My blood was boiling.

“Of course I’m not! We’re having a great time! We’ve been talking about Alaska, and he even gave me a house tour! You should see some of the cool stuff he’s got over here!”

“Okay,” I responded coolly, “But do you think you could make your way back home now? Supper is ready and Scott’s family is already here. He’s pulling the first pizza off the grill as we speak.”

“Oh, yep! Sorry, Trina! I’ll be right over.”

Sure enough, the promise of fresh pizza had him back on the Taylor premises in a flash. Breezing through the front door, he greeted Scott’s Dad before launching into an extremely disturbing version of show and tell, featuring the squirrel.

“I found out it’s a female!” he bragged. “I think he might be pregnant…I mean…just look at how squishy his belly is!”

“Her, Dad. Her.” I corrected.

“Sorry. Her. But seriously…feel his belly! It’s completely bulbous and swollen. I think he might have been pregnant.”

Mark began massaging the poor creature’s torso vigorously to illustrate his point. Scott walked by with a steaming pizza, rolling his eyes.

“Mark…I think the swelling may be due to the fact that the animal has been lying dead in a hot garage for over twelve hours.” Scott’s Dad quietly offered.

*******

Mark later informed us it was too late to save the squirrel. “Would have had to put him in the freezer right away.” At this point, I gave up on correcting him in regards to the critter’s gender.

While the squishy abdomen couldn’t be saved, Mark was delighted to discover the tail was salvageable. I learned this the hard way when I caught him wandering around our kitchen the following morning, a limp squirrel tail delicately resting in his left hand.

“Dad! What are you doing in our kitchen with that thing?!” I shrieked. Visions of contracting Mad Squirrel Disease from my Keurig flashed through my germophobic imagination.

Relax, Trina,” he crooned, “I did everything outside and have been very careful. I just need a little pouch and some salt to pack the tail in so I can bring it home with me.”

I groaned in disgust. While I’m normally not an accomplice to such ill-fated endeavors, I knew the alternative was a kitchen full of rabies.

Don’t move!” I snapped. “I’ll get everything for you.”

I fetched a large ziplock bag and heaping portion of kosher salt while Mark looked on eagerly. I couldn’t help but grin. How in the world are these the genes that created me?

On second thought, please don’t answer that.

“I sure hope they don’t think this salt I’m curing the tail with is cocaine when I go through airport security,” Mark mused.

“Trust me Dad,” I warned, “TSA confusing you for a drug smuggler is the least of your worries.”

“I don’t know…” he muttered skeptically, “This is probably going to look pretty suspicious.”

I’m counting the fact that he realizes that as a very, very small victory.

(Along with the fact that no one in the house appears to have rabies.)

(Yet.)

*******

I’ve since learned that the tail made it back to Washington State without incident.

Still trying to decide if whether I’m horrified, or impressed with that.

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