Pimp my plaster (teeth) ¹³

Can you believe it’s once again time for the Young House Love Spring Pinterest Challenge? Time sure flies when you’re ~~having fun~~ playing Prom BINGO.

It’s no secret I failed the last few challenges miserably. After much reflection, I’ve determined this is a result of me, trying to live up to lofty Pinterest standards that are simply above my own personal level of DIY-prowess. The solution?

I could come up with my own original pin! Truly, it would be a win-win situation…there would be no previous benchmarks for me to live up to, and when my brilliant idea when viral, I’d be lauded as the creative crafting genius behind the entire scheme. (Insert evil craft laughs here.)

And so…without further ado…

Step One

Remember all those craft supplies and the custom set of plaster teeth you threw out when you decided to go minimal last week? Dig those puppies out of the trash…it’s time to repurpose them! (Thanks for the brilliant idea, Tove!)

Don’t worry. I rinsed ‘em off.

Step Two

Paint the teeth your favorite color while trying your best to sing along to your Lil’ John song of choice. (You KNOW I love me some Lil’ John.)

Naturally, I went with “Crunk Juice”

Step Three

Attach rhinestones in various shapes and colors while your husband rolls his eyes and tries to figure out what possible childhood trauma could have led you to create a pink, bedazzled grill at the ripe ol’ age of twenty-eight.

I think it was the fact that I never got an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas, Scott.

Step Four

Allow your masterpiece to dry overnight, while you peacefully dream of all the street cred you’re about to accumulate. (There may or may not also be a nightmare involving that elusive Easy Bake Oven…but mostly it will be dreams about street cred.)

Step Five

Try on your grill. Enter a state of denial as you desperately try to ignore the fact that it wasn’t quite what you were going for.

It's less "gangsta" and more "ill-concieved Frankenstein"

When “gangsta” becomes “ill-conceived Frankenstein”

Step Six

Freak out upon realizing you probably just poisoned yourself with a set of plaster teeth covered in toxic paint and rhinestone glue. (Such are the risks of thug life.)

Step Seven

Violently rinse out your mouth in the sink while debating possible uses for your less than desirable grill. Find a small amount of comfort in the fact that it could be repurposed as an abstract Mother’s day gift, or donated to one of those poor little girls on Toddlers and Tiara’s who can’t afford a real flipper.

If both of those options fall through? At least Sheila can wear it.

Pinterest challenge, you win again.

*****

Speaking of street cred, here’s a rundown of my long-standing track record of failed Pinterest Challenges

The Litterbox Chronicles - The painfully pathetic saga of unsuccessfully litter box training my chihuahua

When Pinterest Gets Creepy - Possibly the most disturbing family portrait to ever be pinned

Epic Pinterest Fail - When life hands you a failed Pinterest project, say “eff it!” and go buy yourself a pair of shoes

I Accidentally Became a Cartoon – And not just any cartoon…an UGLY cartoon

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Yeah…I don’t know what I was thinking, either. ⁵

Actually, I do know what I was thinking. It was something along the lines of “Well…now that my office/guest room is redecorated in yellow, I should probably paint Sheila to match!”

Unfortunately, I now know from personal experience that a yellow nude plastic torso is the only thing worse than a flesh-colored nude plastic torso. I somehow thought I could save the situation by covering her lady lumps with a faux fur stole and giant silk flower. Surely, this would class things up a bit!

Ultimately, it just made Sheila look like a Real Housewife of New Jersey with a severe case of jaundice…but at least I gave it the old college try?

I’m officially changing her name to “Old Yeller”

Scott’s response?

“Katrina! You should have painted her gold.”

Is it just me, or would metallic gold craft paint make this entire disaster that much worse?

(Looks like Scott and I will never be the new John and Sherry from YHL.)

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When recycling goes wrong ¹

Let’s pick up right where we left off, shall we?

In case you missed yesterday’s post, I decided to redecorate my teeny-bopper office guest room this week. After taking down an entire wall of temporary wall paper, I decided repurposing the wall covering would be the responsible, adult choice.

Unfortunately, I also decided to involve Sheila.

While this photo may give the impression that my handcrafted decopauge is only mildly hideous, rest assured that it is exponentially more fugly in person. I’d describe it as an ill-conceived pinata crafted by a five-year old blind child with no hands. To make matters worse, the random smattering of fuchsia damask print looks eerily similar to raw steak in person. As much as I’d like to think otherwise, recycled wallpaper on the bust of a mannequin is not the new Gaga meat dress.

Speaking of Sheila, I nearly forgot to mention that I picked up some additional backstory on her while I was home in Washington! Did you know she used to live in Nordstrom? And is worth nearly $3,000? Her life has certainly taken a turn for the crazy since arriving in ‘Sota.

(Sorry, Sheila.)

The worst part? While transforming her into this crinkled monstrosity, I mistakenly stepped on my beloved sassy male deer head.

I told Scott he was “shedding his antlers for spring”.

Uh…deer totally do that, right?

The frustration of my failed wallpaper DIY venture combined with the sadness of breaking the Duke put me in an incredibly fragile psychological state.

Essentially, I went into broken craft project Frankenstein mode.

I’m still trying to figure out a way to securely attach the arms and mutilated deer head to the meat torso. You know…so I might prop my creation up in the passenger seat of my Toyota, and pull into handicap parking spaces without anyone questioning me.

Hi, my name is Katrina. Not only am I a bad person…I’m so incredibly lazy that I’ll go to extreme lengths to avoid walking an extra 50 feet through the supermarket parking lot.

But at least I’m socially responsible enough to recycle my wallpaper…?

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This is why I’m not allowed in niche home decor boutiques ⁸

On Sunday evening, this happened.

Oh wait…let me allow Sheila to present it. For dramatic effect.

Sheila is TOTALLY the new Vannah.

Naturally, my new paper mache chihuahua head hangs approximately 8 inches from our kitchen’s baseboard, centered perfectly above Jolie’s Oscar de la Renta food bowls.

Twenty minutes after hanging it, Jolie looked up at her new friend, stood on her hind legs and sniffed its nose. I would have captured the moment on camera had I not been shedding tears of joy over witnessing the cutest thing in the world smack dab in the middle of my kitchen.

For the record, Scott thinks my beloved head is “The most pathetic nicknack in the entire world.” (Although I suspect once I glaze it red to better match Jolie’s natural fur color, he’ll start to come around.)

Also for the record, I absolutely did not spend sixty-one dollars on this thing.

Of course not.

That would be ridiculous.