Cocktails

Best Summer Ever (According to me) ⁸

Here in the upper Midwest, we’ve completely bypassed the phenomenon known as “spring”. Just a few short weeks ago we were experiencing below freezing temps and blizzard-like conditions. Fast forward to present day, where it’s 90 degrees and the A.C. is on full blast. But I’m not complaining! Summer is my favorite season, and as long as I don’t have to wrap myself in a parka when leaving the apartment, I’m a happy camper.

Speaking of happy, a few friends and I have vowed to make 2013 the year of the best summer ever. We’re kickstarting the warmer months with a California getaway, and plan on carrying the momentum of ‘fun’ with us all the way through September. But experiencing the best summer ever doesn’t just happen…there’s planning involved!

(And by planning, I clearly mean shopping.)

Here’s my ten go-to items to help you kick off your very own best summer ever.

1. Fiesta Island 8 Person boat thingy*

Who says you have to be rich to spend the summer chilling on the lake? This inflatable party island is affordable, easy to store, and doesn’t require gas! Ummm…sign me up, please?

*Yes, “boat thingy” is a technical term

2. CeraVe SPF 30 Sunscreen

If there’s one thing Scott knows about, it’s “scrizzle“. (And getting in fights with chihuahuas, but that’s an entirely different blog post.) Working in dermatology makes him a bona fide sunscreen expert, and this is his hands-down top pick. Bonus? It’s super lightweight and easy to apply while being fairly gentle on the wallet. Save your self from premature aging (not to mention skin cancer) and slather up!

3. St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse

Protecting your skin from harmful UV rays doesn’t mean resigning to a summer of pastiness. (Although the older I get, the more I’m finally starting appreciate the pale look.) This self-tanner is an investment, it’s easily the best product I’ve found, and a little bit goes a long way. Plus, it’s Giuliana Rancic’s favorite product–and let’s face it–that girl has a PhD in all things spray tan. St. Tropez sells a foam application mit, but I recommend picking up some cheap latex gloves instead. They’ll keep your hands from turning orange, and you can toss them when you’re done. Easy peasy!

4. Ben & Jerry’s Late Night Snack

Summer just isn’t summer without some delicious frozen dairy product. While I’ve been loyal to Ben & Jerry’s since college, I never ventured far from my two signature flavors — Chunky Monkey and Cherry Garcia. A friend recently suggested Late Night Snack (dreamed up by Jimmy Fallon!) and I’ve been hooked ever since. Four words: chocolate covered potato chips!

5. Roller Derby Women’s Aerio Q-80 Inline Skate

I’ll never forget the first summer Scott and I spent in Syracuse. I had just started graduate school, and he was earning minimum wage while working odd jobs on the side. We could barely pay rent on our converted motel room apartment, and it was clear that we were going to be doing summer on a major budget.

Late one evening, Scott returned from a night shift at his restaurant and was visibly on edge. “That’s it!” he exclaimed furiously, “I’m buying us roller blades!”

“Huh?” I responded with confusion and just an ounce of concern.

“I realize we have no money, and aren’t going to be able to do anything fun the summer…but I budgeted it out, and I think we can afford a new set of roller blades for each of us.”

“Okay,” I hesitated, “But why roller blades?”

“Whenever we’re bored, we’ll drive to the lake and roller blade around the park. That will be how we have fun this summer. These roller blades are going to be an investment.”

The following day, we each had a brand new pair of K2 roller blades. Just as Scott planned, we went out on them whenever we needed something to do. We must have skated 500 miles that summer–and saved at least that many dollars. But you know what? We still have those roller blades, and use them to this day. Going out for a skate on a nice afternoon continues to be one of our most loved summer traditions, and is a great way to burn off all that chocolate covered potato chip ice cream.

Imagine that. Roller blades really are a good investment.

6. Aquage Sea Salt Texturizing Spray, 8-Ounce Bottle

I swear by this stuff. It’s perfect for that summer beachy look and requires absolutely zero effort. Anything that means I don’t have to spend thirty minutes blow drying my hair is a winner in my book.

7. Nordstrom Cotton Mesh Fedora

Every summer I buy a cheap, straw fedora.

And every summer the cheap, straw fedora gets crushed and ruined in my suitcase or beach bag. It never fails.

(Sometimes, Scott and I resort to simultaneously wearing our matching fedoras at the airport, to avoid the inevitable luggage squishing.)

It’s cute when Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson do it. Scott and Katrina? Not so much.

I love this Fedora from Nordstrom for its affordable price point, but also its solid construction. The cotton mesh material is practically un-squishable!

(Scott loves it because we’ll no longer be the douchey coordinated couple at Terminal D.)

8. Ray-Ban RB3025 Aviator Large Metal Non-Polarized Sunglasses

These aviators just scream summer. The best part? They’re unisex!

(This totally convinced Scott to let me purchase them as we can share them between the two of us.)

(Obviously, I get first dibs.)

9. Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey Whiskey

Never in a million years did I think I would actually enjoy whiskey.

Guess what?

I actually enjoy whiskey!

This honey-infused liquor has a sweet, warm taste and is divine on its own, or paired with cola, ginger ale or lemonade.

(Tip: Tastes even better when sipped from the Fiesta Island inflatable boat thingy.)

10. Express Sleeveless Portofino Shirt

I just picked this up in Chelsea Blue, and am completely in love. It’s lightweight, comfy and universally flattering! It’s versatility means it looks casual cool with a rugged pair of jean shorts, and ready for a night on the town when paired with skinnys and heels. Pick this up in multiple colors…I promise it will be an integral part of your summer uniform.

***

That’s my list! Did I miss anything? I’m dying to know…what are your ultimate summer must-haves?

P.S. My latest article for Levo Leage, 7 Conference Call Commandments You Must Follow, is up today! I’d love it if you hopped on over to check it out!

Liked this? Then try these:

A midsummer night's band-aid

I cried into my chili. Again.

Memory (foam)

Go Cardinals! ²

I’m back from the Big Apple!

Unfortunately, a weekend of travel + a red-eye flight + a busy week at work = me not having the energy to compose more than 200 words.

Instead, you’re getting the next best thing! Which is obviously a photo of my friend and I, dressed like gnomes at a rooftop club in the middle of Manhattan. Duh.

I swear there is some fabulous fashion hiding beneath those gnome costumes–it was just ridiculously cold on that roof, and we couldn’t pass up the complimentary robes–even if it did mean concealing the outfits that we (or at least I) had been strategically planning the entire week beforehand.

What can I say? A gnome’s gotta do what a gnome’s gotta do.

Although Haj and I are clearly too tall to be gnomes. Truth be told, I think we more closely resemble a different type of mythical creature altogether.

(The female Catholic Cardinal, of course.)

Speaking of Cardinals, did you know I technically am a Cardinal?

(Not in the Catholic way…just in the high school mascot way.)

I graduated from Franklin Pierce High School in the good old Abercrombie and Fitch days of 2002. In order for the following story to make sense, I must explain that my high school name and mascot are permanently etched in Scott’s brain as I may still be known to prance around the apartment performing various high school cheerleading routines on a bi-monthly basis.

And by bi-monthly I kind of mean bi-weekly.

Don’t judge me…I do it for exercises purposes.

And possibly to boost my self-esteem after watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model. Although I swear it’s, like, sixty percent about the cardio.

But back to the subject of Cardinals, New York City and my high school. While on a ten-mile run/death march into lower Manhattan via the Brooklyn Bridge (I’ll explain this in more detail later) Scott came across someone wearing a “Franklin Pierce Cardinals” hoodie.

My hometown high school, located roughly 3,000 miles from Manhattan, is the only Franklin Pierce with a cardinal mascot in the entire United States. Just ask Mr. Google himself.

The really bizarre part? This is the second consecutive NYC vacation where we’ve run into someone from my high school while walking down the street. (Again, I’ll explain more about this in a future post.)

Scott desperately flailed, waved and called out to get the young man in the hoodie’s attention, but to no avail. As I had opted to stay back during the urban run/death march (surprise, surprise!) I’ll never know who my mystery classmate wandering the Financial District on the same day as my husband happened to be.

I think the fact that I missed out on such a startling coincidence will forever disturb me on a very deep level.

(But not nearly as much as the knowledge that I covered up my Pearl by Marchesa dress with a bright red Snuggie while at a swanky nightclub in the Flatiron district does.)

*******

Main photo by BobMacInnes

Liked this? Then try these:

Never flush Versace

Nurse Trudy

Ringo Taylor

Three things I learned this week. ¹⁰

If life is like a school then I’m probably a C+ student. Still, whether life hands you a 4.0 or 2.0 GPA, all of us have the opportunity to learn something new everyday. Naturally, I feel it is my blogging duty to pass the lessons I’ve encountered this week on to you.

Note taking is highly suggested.

Lesson one: Dish soap for the sink is NOT the same as dish soap for the dishwasher.

Learning the hard way…

Unfortunately, I’m not the greatest multi-tasker. The photo above is what happens when I attempt to do housework while also watching the latest episode of Confessions: Animal Hoarding. Thankfully, Scott was more alert than yours truly and performed basic damage control before our entire kitchen turned into an accidental bubble bath. Still, it’s gonna take a long time for me to live this one down.

Lesson 2: Confessions: Animal Hoarding is the best show ever.

Aside from the occasional screensaver mishap, I really do love my Apple TV–especially when it makes recommendations based on my past viewing history.

Only the brilliant Apple TV would be able to fuse my love for Hoarders and Intervention into one riveting show about the tormented souls who secretly hide ninety-seven purse dogs in their double wide trailer. When it popped up in the “You might also like…” section of Netflix On Demand, I knew I had to watch it, and I’ve been hooked ever since. Not only does the program bring light to an extremely sad and fascinating disorder, it always ends with the hoarders getting help — for themselves and for their animals. (Spoiler alert: The carpet almost always ends up getting replaced.)

Scott refuses to watch the show as he fears it will give him ideas. “I’m just one nervous breakdown away from hoarding Chihuahuas,” he explains.

Obviously, this is fine by me. I’m perfectly content watching Animal Hoarders in the bedroom alone while he loads the dishwasher with the appropriate soap. That way everybody wins.

Lesson 3: You cannot make a “red beer” with pizza sauce.

While I’ve never been much of a beer drinker, “red beer” has become my official cocktail of choice as of late. Simply fill your glass 3/4 full with light beer, top it off with spicy tomato juice, stir, and enjoy.

And yes…it’s TECHNICALLY a cocktail as it has bloody mary mix in it.

The other night after supper, I was craving a red beer. I located a stray brewski in the fridge only to realize we had no bloody mary mix or tomato juice.

This simply would not do.

Being that I was too lazy to run to the supermarket, and Scott just happened to be making homemade pizza, I decided to substitute ingredients and add a few dollops of my husband’s made-from-scratch pizza sauce to my lager.

For the record, Scott (a former bartender) desperately warned me not to do it.

I tried my best to smile after the first sip and pretend it was delicious — but that was a blatant lie. I knew it, Scott knew it, and God knew it. Just imagine beer that is frothy (in a bad way) with large chunks of oregano and basil floating about, and you’ll get the idea.

I think this is why none of my recipe ideas ever go viral on Pinterest.

Liked this? Then try these:

My true colors: pink and violent

Proms and Moms

Life of the party

In Vino Veritas ³

I just want to start by thanking everyone for all of the kind and encouraging words in regards to last Friday’s announcement. I’m really looking forward to making more progress on my memoir and am hoping to have a proposal to send out to agencies by the end of the summer–fingers crossed!

You’d think I would have spent my first blog-free weekend logging some serious hours working on said book proposal.

And that’s where you’d be wrong.

I mean…writing a book is fun and all, but sometimes adjustments must be made as there are simply more pressing matters at hand.

Namely, drinking wine while playing lawn chess.

Priorities, people. Priorities.

There’s a winery in Smalltown that I’ve been dying to check out all spring. Scott and I decided to finally make our pilgrimage this Saturday, as it was 90 degrees outside, and I was…well…thirsty. Upon arriving, we were greeted by some pretty picturesque scenery. The sun was shining, a bluegrass band was playing under the gazebo, and I’m pretty sure I heard the sweet, sweet melody of the tiny wineglasses at the tasting bar singing my name.

Scott argued that was simply the “alchy” in me. Whatevs.

We started out with a basic tasting, where we each selected five wines to try. Naturally, the pinnacle of our tasting was sampling “Hot Dish Red”, a wine that is specifically created to pair with the official food of Minnesota, tater tot hot dish.

This is probably why I struggled for a C- in pre-calc.

I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. Combining hot dish and red wine is slippery slope that can only lead to sweatpants. Possibly gaucho pants, but in the land of lounge bottoms, sweats and gauchos are considered fraternal twins, so my equation covers both. Just ask Phythagoras.

The Hot Dish Red tasted sweet. Really sweet. While I’d definitely describe it as “tasty”, I like my wine the same way I like humor and underarms–extremely dry. Needless to say, Scott and I passed on the Hot Dish Red, opting instead to purchase an oak-infused chardonnay to take outside with us.

I’ve got to say, sipping wine and playing chess was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. My cares seemed to slip away as I enjoyed some stimulating conversation with the husband, despite the fact that he was schooling me at our semi-competitive round of lawn chess.

The cool, crisp wine seemed to heighten my senses — the bluegrass music sounded particularly sublime, the warm sun felt even more delicious than usual, and the lone black horse casually eating grass in the background appeared just a scosche more delightful than you’re average grass-eating pony.

I’d just like to go on record as saying that horses and wine make everything better. In fact, I think I actually may have taken a swig of chardonnay, posed dramatically, and proclaimed “Wine and horses make everything better!” while allowing my hair to blow softly in the breeze for theatric effect.

Scott chose that moment to snap a photo.

The Italian phrase “In vino veritas” translates to “In wine is truth.” Such a simple message, yet I’ve always found it to be incredibly accurate. Something about sloshing back a few glasses of vino always seems to put things in perspective…for better or for worse.

Three glasses in, I took a peek at this photo….and the truth came out.

No matter how painful they might be, I hold these truths to be self-evident. Not to mention self-deprecating.

1. I need to spend less time with Little Debbie, and more time with Big Elliptical.

2. My attempt at a natural, carefree pose is about as successful as Heidi Montag’s musical career.

3. OMG…I’m wearing mom shorts.

And not even hip, fun, young mom shorts. Forty-something minivan with a side of fanny pack mom shorts!

You want to know the worst part? Those shorts are brand new–not to mention the fact that they set me back a cool sixty bucks.

Actually, no.

The worst part is that I’m wearing them, despite the fact that I’m not even a mom yet!

(Insert me, screaming angrily a la Miss Piggy)

I suppose I could argue that I’m kind of a mom. I mean…I do consider my dog and handbag to be my children.

Although I also allow them to booze it up, which means I’m one of those moms.

Left: Louis enjoying some bubbly. Right: Jolie passed out at a bar in Syracuse.

Yet Louis and Jolie are no excuse for those frumpy pants — I may as well throw on the sweats and help myself to a second plate of hot dish at this point. The shorts have taken me to that level.

My only comfort was the knowledge that one truth was even worse than the realization that I had covered my lower half in middle-aged denim.

Much worse.

Remember that beautiful, black pony who was peacefully nibbling on grass nearby?

He wasn’t even real, you guys.