How did you guys spend your weekend? Please tell me I wasn’t the only one cuddled up on the sofa, wearing every single piece of costume jewelry I own, nursing a bottle of Moscato I’d picked up at Costco specifically for the Academy Awards?
And the award for best melodramatic scream when wine spilled all over her sweatpants goes to…ME!!!
Being that we cancelled our cable, I was forced to watch the red carpet via live stream on my iPad. This worked out well, aside from the fact that I had the broadcast times slightly skewed. Assuming stars would be gracing the red carpet around 4:30 Central time, I was a tad bit early in popping the bubbly. By the time the real celebs started appearing–approximately 90 minutes later — I had sorta kinda accidentally polished off the entire bottle.
I’m sure it’s no surprise that didn’t end up making it to the actual awards ceremony as a result. (As I type this, I still don’t know who won any of the awards!)
Lucky for you, I was able to stay upright and conscious for the entire red carpet parade, and am delighted to be sharing my thoughts on the subject today. I’ve divided the evening wear into three categories:
Major (The best of the best.)
Meh (Not terrible, but underwhelming.)
More moscato, please! (I need some more vino to make that dress look good!)
Cate Blanchett in Giorgio Armani
I’d expect nothing less from a woman elegant enough to spell “Cate” with a C. The floral embellishments are lovely, and can we talk about those earrings for a second?!
It’s like the classy, movie star version of the nude, sparkly bodysuit Britney wore at the 2001 VMAs, which is probably why I love it so much.
Lupita Nyong’o in Prada
No surprise here! Lupita’s been killing the carpet all season long, and the Oscars was no different. She looks like a modern-day Cinderella, but with better accessories.
Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Couture
There’s a lesson to be learned here, and that’s how crucial good tailoring is. This gown fits J-Law like a glove, which takes it from being so-so to so fabulous. The best part? Her gorgeous backwards necklace, of course!
Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves in Dolce & Gabbana
Best couple of the night! I love everything about this, and truly can’t decide which one of them looks more stunning. But most of all, I’m so glad Matthew finally put some weight back on.
Jenna Dewan-Tatum, designer unknown
My favorite dress of the night. Would love to have seen Amy Adams in something like this.
Julia Roberts in Givenchy Haute Couture
Homegirl just gets better with age. Loving the lighter hair on her, and the black lace peplum is age appropriate and oh so pretty!
Jared Leto in Saint Laurent
Umm…when did he get so cute?! Love the red bow tie and light-colored jacket. And beyond jealous of his flowing, perfectly ombred locks. (And, if I’m being totally honest, his long, skinny legs.)
Charlize Theron, designer unknown
I love how sculptural this is. Seriously, this woman–and her sickeningly perfect hair–can do no wrong in my eyes.
Kevin Spacey in Burberry
I could not love him any more. This stylish ensemble has officially bumped him into the number one spot on my celebrity crush list. (Sorry, Barack Obama.)
Gabourey Sidibe in Theia
Nailed it. That color is perfect on her, and petal like texture on the skirt is to die for. I could have done without the jeweled waistband, but she’s totally glowing, so I’ll allow it.
Jennifer Garner in Oscar de la Renta
Finally!!! Jennifer is always so safe on the carpet — thank you Rachel Zoe for convincing her to take a risk! This blinged-out fringe takes her from boring to bodacious!
(Sorry…needed a word that started with “b” to make that work.)
Portia de Rossi in Naeem Khan
I think I just became a lesbian.
Kate Hudson, designer unknown
A knockout. (With a cape! Which is clearly the best type of knockout.)
Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein Collection
I really want to like this, but the styling just feels off to me. Her hair and makeup is marvelous, but the ‘do doesn’t match the dress. And the shoes? Pretty sure I wore those to Homecoming in 1999. Her necklace and clutch are the best part of this, for sure.
Brangelina in In Tom Ford (Pitt) and Elie Saab Haute Couture (Jolie)
Yawn. The best thing about this is Brad’s hair. Sure, they both look nice…but I’m quickly growing tired of Angelina’s long-sleeved fits-but-doesn’t-really-fit dresses.
Amy Adams in Gucci
Stunning dress in a boring color + grandma updo = disappointed Katrina. (At least the earrings are fun.)
Kerry Washington in Jason Wu
This color is breathtaking on her, especially with that lipstick. But the hardware on the bust line cheapens the look and I feel like her hair could have tried harder. Also? Wrinkles!!!! (On the dress…not her face.)
Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, designer unknown
Seriously?? They’re still making the guest list?
More moscato, please!
Anne Hathaway in Gucci
It’s not terrible….but I wouldn’t wear it in public.
(Partly because I can’t afford Gucci…but that’s besides the point.)
Anna Kendrick in J. Mendel
She looks like she should be waiting tables at an Asian restaurant. (A ridiculously fancy Asian restaurant….but still.)
Pharrell Williams in Lanvin
While it’s really never okay to wear capri pants to the Academy Awards, they should especially be avoided by those who rock chicken legs and calf tattoos.
Chrissy Teigen in Monique Lhullier
I feel a getup such as this is only acceptable when shooting a perfume commercial.
Elsa Pataky, designer unknown
Aaaaaand, I’m never getting pregnant.
All jokes aside, Elsa’s a gorgeous woman who’s looked beautiful and chic throughout her entire pregnancy–but this is not how you do maternity on the red carpet.
Liza Minnelli, designer unknown
“If Grover had a stage mom.”
Johnny Wier and Tara Lipinski, designers unknown
They look like they belong on top of a really ironic wedding cake.
What were your favorite looks of the night? Is anyone else experiencing an intense inner struggle as they try to decide whether Kevin Spacey or Jared Leto is their most favorite celebrity dream crush? I think I’m going with Kevin…only because Jared’s way prettier than me.
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