Searching for sexiness 3

I always love when Scott leaves little surprises for me in the Google search bar. One day he’s looking for “who sings the song milkshake?” (Calice, if you’re wondering) and the next its “craving pudding after naps?”

I must admit, I’m not much better. When combing through my own hot mess of search terms, I found such treasures as “how many calories in one raisin?” and “can you get AIDS from a sandwich?”

1.6 calories, and as far as I can tell, no.

Also in my search history? “DIY sex painting”. Oh believe me, such a thing exists. I stumbled across a kit for one on Fab.com the other day. I was so disturbed and enthralled by the concept that I couldn’t help but mention it to Scott’s dad over dinner the next night. Next thing you know, I was Googling the strange, strange craft project to prove its existence.

Yes, I talk about creepy sex paintings with my father-in-law. Deal with it.

Love art kit

Or you could just use some sponges and make things a LOT less awkward when guests inquire about your artwork…?

Photo via Love Is Art Kit

There’s nothing I’d love more than to walk into that room and say “So expressive. It’s like I can actually feel the artist’s cellulite.” in my best British art snob voice.

Oh yes, I went there.

Anyway, all this talk about search history got me thinking. How do people find my blog?

A quick visit to my WordPress site stats page yielded answers that were nothing short of delightful.

The top search term that directs traffic to ‘Sota is Sexy?

Shirley Temple

Wow. That means over one hundred people who were expecting to find this…

Shirley Temple

Were probably more than just a little disappointed when they were instead presented with this.

Katrina does the booty pump

My sincere apologies to all of you Shirley Temple fans who were led astray. Oh, and the post that kind of talks about Shirley Temple (but mostly about Shakira and coffee cups) can be found here.

Another popular search term? 

Sweaty

These people were probably not disappointed as there are an abundance of sweaty workout photos here, here and here.

I was even, dare I say it, flattered by this variation of the sweaty search:

Sweaty Katrina

And then promptly freaked out by this one, just a few lines below.

Katrina naked

I supposed I should just be thankful that no one combined these to Google “sweaty nakedness of Katrina”.

Although if they had, I would have been more than happy to direct them to this post, where an unsuspecting victim mistakenly walks in to a Las Vegas steam room only to find me–naked, sweaty, and laughing creepily in the corner.

I feel like there were two search terms that pretty much summed up this blog (and my life) perfectly.

Oops I did it again cameltoe

If only I had a dime for each time I’ve thought this exact phrase…

Getting fat in college

How did they know this was my major in undergrad?

Surprisingly, there was only one search term that left me feeling extremely confused.

"dressed up as potatoes"

Seven people searched for this. Seven. And why are they all using quotation marks?

My own quick Google search revealed that I used this exact phrase in a post I wrote on vacation in Vegas last year.

“It was the one place in Vegas I vowed to never set foot in. My only excuse is that I was lured there by visions of girls dressed up as potatoes and bacon dancing in knee-high boots to “Love Shack”, their faces illuminated by the faint glow of lava lamps.”

I’m still not sure why so many people are searching for it, though.

At the end of the day, I’m just glad my blog is truly helping people. I mean sure, I talk about silly things like pukey sweat pants, women wearing chaps, and hipster pizza, but I’m also dispensing invaluable medical advice to at least fifteen people.

Ringworm medication

 

Yes, I had ringworm.

On my face.

But at least I don’t have a sleazy sex painting hanging in my living room. That would be way worse than face fungus, don’t you think?

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