Warning: This post goes into great detail about my recent battle with my sinuses. If you don’t like reading about snot, you should probably stay far, far away.
Despite my ingenious strategy of blowing my nose into a t-shirt, things on the clogged sinuses front have yet to improve.
Around 4:30 this morning I sprang up from my bed, realizing my cheekbones felt as if they had been repeatedly kicked by a donkey with really strong thighs. I was experiencing a splitting headache, and intense sinus pain all the way down to my back molars. Every attempt to blow my nose felt as if someone was stabbing a rusty screwdriver deep into the crevices of my brain.
Aside from being quite uncomfortable, the symptoms listed above concern me as I’m on my last day of a heavy-duty course of antibiotics. If those haven’t cleared this up, what on earth will? Scott and I are traveling to Seattle later this week, and I’m just not sure my sinuses can handle flying at high altitude in this condition. Overcome with panic and frustration, I leap out from under the covers and get to work.
5:03 am: Fumble through the dark medicine cabinet in search of the Sinus Congestion & Pain medicine I picked up at Wal-Mart. Take twice the recommended dosage.
5:05 am: Fill my Neti-Pot with saline solution and get to work. If you’re not familiar with the Neti-Pot, it’s basically a miniature tea-pot you use to irrigate your sinuses. Yes, this is a real thing. While it’s incredibly disgusting and quite uncomfortable, it actually works wonders.
5:07 am: Halfway through the irrigation of nostril number two, I remember a story I read on the internet about the two people who died from using Neti-pots.
5:08 am: I enter the bedroom in hysterics, explaining to Scott that the reason the antibiotics won’t work is obviously because I’m dying from a deadly amoeba that somehow found its way into my Neti-pot.
5:09 am: Scott assures me that deadly amoebas are only found in certain types of tap water. He makes a promise that the Dasani water I used is sterile and free of any life threatening bacteria.
5:09:30 am: I roll my eyes and explain that I only irrigate my nostrils with Smart Water, just like Jennifer Aniston does. Duh.
5:11 am: I complete the irrigation process while Jolie looks on in disgust. If dogs could talk, I’m pretty sure she’d ask why there’s tapioca pudding pouring from my nostrils.
(Normally I’d apologize for that visual — but I’m so proud of finding such an accurate description that I’m going to stand by this one. Sorry…but I’m not sorry.)
5:13 am: While my Neti-pot provides a small dose of relief, I’m still experiencing 99% of my symptoms. I enter the office, turn on my computer, and being doing some Web MD sleuthing.
5:16 am: Diagnose myself with a raging case of Rhinosinusitis.
5:17 am: Google “Rhinosinusitus” and am disappointed to learn that it’s not related to rhinoplasty, so I won’t be getting a medically necessary nose job after all. (Also disappointed to learn I didn’t catch this infection from a rhinoceros. At least that would have been a cool story.)
5:20 am: Shut off the computer after realizing my horrible fate. A sinus infection that doesn’t respond to antibiotics is typically viral or fungal. As if the thought of fungus in my nose isn’t horrible enough, I learn that these type of infections can last up to four weeks. Four weeks. Being that I’m only 11 days in, I could have a long ways to go.
5:21 am: Catch Jolie sniffing and possibly licking my t-shirt handkerchief as I crawl into bed. (Confession: I’m too miserable to actually do anything about it. Dogs can’t get sinus infections, anyway…I checked.)
5:22 am: I slather the lower half of my face with a thick coating of vaseline. All this nose blowing has made it extremely chapped, and petroleum jelly seems to be the only thing that adequately soothes and moisturizes. Scott remarks that I look as if I dove head-first into a giant bucket of greasy fried chicken.
5:22:20 am: Calmly explain that I DON’T EVEN LIKE FRIED CHICKEN!!!
5:23 am: Scott is kind enough to fetch me some water and take my temperature as an apology for the fried chicken comment. According to him, my temp is perfectly normal. (Although he did make me use our meat thermometer from Thanksgiving, so I’m not sure the result is totally accurate.)
5:25 am: My sinuses creak loudly as I feel them expand and contract. I’m trying my best to fall back asleep, but it’s really difficult when it feels as if there’s a dozen angry air bubbles wedged deep in your airways. I’m upset that I feel this crummy. Upset that I’ll have to cancel my morning Turbo Kick class. Upset that I may have to actually get on an airplane in this condition.
But mostly I’m upset that rhinosinusitis and rhinoplasty are not the same thing. After all the pain I’ve endured, I think we can all agree that I’ve earned that nose job.
(Just kidding…I actually kind of like my nose the way it is. I mean…when it’s not full of tapioca pudding, and all.)