I’ve come down with a terrible case of Produce Anxiety.
What is this new and unusual ailment, you ask?
It’s the massive amount of stress experienced when you accidentally purchase $200 worth of produce for just two people and then feel obligated to consume all of it before it goes bad, or worse, is sentenced to three months in the klink. (Little known fact: the freezer is actual produce prison.) You won’t find this condition on Web MD as I
made it up discovered it myself. Looks like the husband isn’t the only medical professional in our household.
Symptoms include eating your weight in grapes, drinking 200 ounces of smoothies each day, and serving roasted vegetables over a bed of wilted lettuce with a side salad, fruit salad, and tomato salad for supper.
And yes, I’m saying “supper” now. The Midwest has officially had its way with me. I’ve also started using words like “hot dish”, and “Uff Da!”
Alright, alright. Who am I kidding? “Uff da!” has been my swear word of choice since the age of three. But it’s definitely gotten worse since moving to Small Town.
Anyway, we currently have the following in our fridge:
- 3 pounds of organic spinach
- 1 pound of organic spring mix
- 3 summer squashes
- 1 giant cucumber and 2 pounds of baby cucumbers
- 3 zucchini
- 5 kumato tomatoes
- 1 pound of cherry tomatoes
- 3 pounds of red grapes
- 20 apples
- 12 pears
- 4 pounds of fresh strawberries
- 1/2 pound of mushrooms
- 6 onions
- 4 sweet potatoes
- 1 grapefruit that we’ve had since March. And yes, I’m totally planning on eating it.
- 1 eggplant
- 12 bananas
- 2 pounds of broccoli
- 1 pound of brussel sprouts
- 2 pounds of baby carrots
Again, this is for two people. (And one chihuahua, who is surprisingly indifferent towards steamed broccoli.)
As if the pressure to ingest an unimaginable amount of fiber wasn’t intense enough on its own, we’re going to be travelling to Nebraska for Memorial Day weekend in T-minus 3.5 days. That’s not much time to power through the produce.
Oh…and when we return, our summer CSA starts. That’s an additional 25 pounds of fresh produce each week.
Again, for two people and one chihuahua.
I feel like a competitive eater who noshes on zucchini instead of hot dogs.
I feel like I’ll be the first person in the history of the universe to actually gain weight from eating nothing but fresh fruit and vegetables.
I feel like my digestive system is about to get very, very lubricated.
I feel like this predicament may be a side effect of my husband’s ulterior motives to set a record for the most food composted in a single week.
The saddest part is that I feel like all of the antioxidants and vitamins I’m ingesting from my ever-so-healthy diet are being cancelled out by the pressure I feel to not let any of these expensive items spoil while we’re gone this weekend. I’ve literally had two night terrors about sweet potatoes this week and started shaking like a trauma victim yesterday morning when a segment about apples was broadcast on the Today Show.
Basically, I’ve replaced carbs with nutrient-drenched anxiety…which is like regular anxiety, minus the nacho cheese dip.
I’ve also started filling Jolie’s bowl with spinach and carrots. This has not gone over well–she’s been boycotting her salad bar lunch, opting for multiple pairs of underwear instead. Her favorite flavor is Calvin Klein — she’s got quite the expensive palate.
I’ll leave you with a photo of yesterday’s lunch:
I didn’t even use salad dressing. I simply tossed it with the salty tears of produce anxiety, which were surprisingly similar to a champagne vinaigrette.
I’ve got one thing left to say: when this is all over, I’m going on a Nutella and cheese cleanse.
I’m sorry to say that the organic spring mix didn’t survive. It was a good spring mix, and will be remembered for its crispy arugula and love for balsamic vinegar. Spring mix was laid to rest in our compost bin at approximately 7:32pm on Tuesday, May 22.
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