It’s Angelina’s fault!

It’s Angelina’s fault! 0

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Apparently, talking smack about celebrities and their Oscar-wear comes at a price. The instant I hit “publish” on yesterday’s ranty post, things immediately went awry. I suppose that’s the type of karma that gets thrown your way when you call Angelina Jolie “frumpy”.

(Although let’s face it…she looked totally frumpy.)

Allow me to detail the bad ‘ish that went down yesterday, and you’ll see what I mean.

1. Backsplash letdown

Yesterday, our beautiful new subway tile backsplash was supposed to be installed. Because Scott and I live a very, very boring life (and care way too much about our kitchen) we had been looking forward to this all month.

And then they didn’t show.

Apparently, they ran over on another project, and will be starting our installation today…but they’re already thirty minutes late, so I’m a bit skeptical.

I think Scott’s text message put it best:

text

 

 

2. Chili disaster

Scott’s been working overtime this week, trying to finish dry-walling our garage before leaving for a snowboarding trip. Yesterday, I decided to spend my lunch break whipping up a batch of crock pot chili to surprise him when he came home from work. (Being that I only cook dinner about once a month, this would certainly be a surprise.)

My lack of cooking is not out of laziness — but more so due to the fact that Scott insists on making everything from scratch. Even mayonnaise. My tendency to use store-bought condiments as opposed to mixing them myself has me banned from the kitchen on most evenings.

Just as I was finishing up the chili, an unusual item in the pantry beckoned me.

peppers

The spoils from one of Scott’s trips to the mexican grocery aisle.

Against my better judgement, I dumped the entire can into the crock pot.

Long story short…Scott didn’t appreciate my chili. In fact, I believe the words “You are never allowed to make dinner again”, may have been uttered.

The sad part? Aside from being ridiculously spicy, the chili was delicious! (I would know as I forced myself to eat an entire bowl…even if it did take 45 minutes and six glasses of water.)

 

3. Bruises

In an attempt to de-stress, I took my aggression out on the bar at the gym last night.

Or maybe the bar took its aggression out on me?

bruise

So much for wearing a tank top anytime soon. (Not that it’s warm enough to, anyway.)

I did manage to increase my clean and jerk weight to ninety pounds…so at least there’s that.

 

4. Hole in my pants

Apparently, Jolie was hungry for a midnight snack last night.

jeans

She’s demonstrated such behavior before…but jeans? That’s some pretty thick denim for those little chihuahua teeth to bite through.

The worst part is that skinny GAP jeggings are my favorite pair of pants at the moment. I’m currently a little on the chunky side, and have found myself in a straight-up Regina George situation.

regina

Looks like this fat-bottomed girl is taking an emergency trip to the mall this weekend.

*****

With a Monday as problematic as that, you can see how I have a hard time believing this was simply “coincidence.”

Angelina Jolie, I’m blaming all of this on you and your sparkly sleeves of frumpiness!

angelina

I bet a chihuahua’s never eaten HER jeans.

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Fashion commentary from the girl who drinks alone

Fashion commentary from the girl who drinks alone 12

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How did you guys spend your weekend? Please tell me I wasn’t the only one cuddled up on the sofa, wearing every single piece of costume jewelry I own, nursing a bottle of Moscato I’d picked up at Costco specifically for the Academy Awards?

wine

And the award for best melodramatic scream when wine spilled all over her sweatpants goes to…ME!!!

Being that we cancelled our cable, I was forced to watch the red carpet via live stream on my iPad. This worked out well, aside from the fact that I had the broadcast times slightly skewed. Assuming stars would be gracing the red carpet around 4:30 Central time, I was a tad bit early in popping the bubbly. By the time the real celebs started appearing–approximately 90 minutes later — I had sorta kinda accidentally polished off the entire bottle.

I’m sure it’s no surprise that didn’t end up making it to the actual awards ceremony as a result. (As I type this, I still don’t know who won any of the awards!)

Lucky for you, I was able to stay upright and conscious for the entire red carpet parade, and am delighted to be sharing my thoughts on the subject today. I’ve divided the evening wear into three categories:

Major (The best of the best.)

Meh (Not terrible, but underwhelming.)

More moscato, please! (I need some more vino to make that dress look good!)

 

MAJOR

Cate Blanchett in Giorgio Armani

cate

I’d expect nothing less from a woman elegant enough to spell “Cate” with a C. The floral embellishments are lovely, and can we talk about those earrings for a second?!

It’s like the classy, movie star version of the nude, sparkly bodysuit Britney wore at the 2001 VMAs, which is probably why I love it so much.

Lupita Nyong’o in Prada

lupita

No surprise here! Lupita’s been killing the carpet all season long, and the Oscars was no different.  She looks like a modern-day Cinderella, but with better accessories.

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Couture

jlaw

There’s a lesson to be learned here, and that’s how crucial good tailoring is. This gown fits J-Law like a glove, which takes it from being so-so to so fabulous. The best part? Her gorgeous backwards necklace, of course!

necklace

Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves in Dolce & Gabbana

matthew

Best couple of the night! I love everything about this, and truly can’t decide which one of them looks more stunning. But most of all, I’m so glad Matthew finally put some weight back on.

Jenna Dewan-Tatum, designer unknown

jenna

My favorite dress of the night. Would love to have seen Amy Adams in something like this.

Julia Roberts in Givenchy Haute Couture

julia

Homegirl just gets better with age. Loving the lighter hair on her, and the black lace peplum is age appropriate and oh so pretty!

Jared Leto in Saint Laurent

jared

Umm…when did he get so cute?! Love the red bow tie and light-colored jacket. And beyond jealous of his flowing, perfectly ombred locks. (And, if I’m being totally honest, his long, skinny legs.)

Charlize Theron, designer unknown

charlize

I love how sculptural this is. Seriously, this woman–and her sickeningly perfect hair–can do no wrong in my eyes.

Kevin Spacey in Burberry

kevin

I could not love him any more. This stylish ensemble has officially bumped him into the number one spot on my celebrity crush list. (Sorry, Barack Obama.)

Gabourey Sidibe in Theia

gabourey

Nailed it. That color is perfect on her, and petal like texture on the skirt is to die for. I could have done without the jeweled waistband, but she’s totally glowing, so I’ll allow it.

Jennifer Garner in Oscar de la Renta

jennifer

Finally!!! Jennifer is always so safe on the carpet — thank you Rachel Zoe for convincing her to take a risk! This blinged-out fringe takes her from boring to bodacious!

(Sorry…needed a word that started with “b” to make that work.)

Portia de Rossi in Naeem Khan

portia

I think I just became a lesbian.

Kate Hudson, designer unknown

kate

A knockout. (With a cape! Which is clearly the best type of knockout.)

MEH

Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein Collection

naomi

I really want to like this, but the styling just feels off to me. Her hair and makeup is marvelous, but the ‘do doesn’t match the dress. And the shoes? Pretty sure I wore those to Homecoming in 1999. Her necklace and clutch are the best part of this, for sure.

Brangelina in In Tom Ford (Pitt) and Elie Saab Haute Couture (Jolie)

brangelina

Yawn. The best thing about this is Brad’s hair. Sure, they both look nice…but I’m quickly growing tired of Angelina’s long-sleeved fits-but-doesn’t-really-fit dresses.

Amy Adams in Gucci

amy

Stunning dress in a boring color + grandma updo = disappointed Katrina. (At least the earrings are fun.)

Kerry Washington in Jason Wu

kerry

This color is breathtaking on her, especially with that lipstick. But the hardware on the bust line cheapens the look and I feel like her hair could have tried harder. Also? Wrinkles!!!! (On the dress…not her face.)

Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, designer unknown

will

Seriously?? They’re still making the guest list?

More moscato, please!

Anne Hathaway in Gucci

anne

It’s not terrible….but I wouldn’t wear it in public.

(Partly because I can’t afford Gucci…but that’s besides the point.)

Anna Kendrick in J. Mendel

anna

She looks like she should be waiting tables at an Asian restaurant. (A ridiculously fancy Asian restaurant….but still.)

Pharrell Williams in Lanvin

pharrell

While it’s really never okay to wear capri pants to the Academy Awards, they should especially be avoided by those who rock chicken legs and  calf tattoos.

Chrissy Teigen in Monique Lhullier

chrissy

I feel a getup such as this is only acceptable when shooting a perfume commercial.

Elsa Pataky, designer unknown

elsa

Aaaaaand, I’m never getting pregnant.

All jokes aside, Elsa’s a gorgeous woman who’s looked beautiful and chic throughout her entire pregnancy–but this is not how you do maternity on the red carpet.

Liza Minnelli, designer unknown

liza

“If Grover had a stage mom.”

Johnny Wier and Tara Lipinski, designers unknown

johnny

They look like they belong on top of a really ironic wedding cake.

*******

What were your favorite looks of the night? Is anyone else experiencing an intense inner struggle as they try to decide whether Kevin Spacey or Jared Leto is their most favorite celebrity dream crush? I think I’m going with Kevin…only because Jared’s way prettier than me.

 

 

 

 

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Phone it in Friday

Phone it in Friday 0

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It’s Friday. I’ve had a long, exhausting week and my freaking staircase of doom still isn’t painted.

I also have a severe case of “bloggers block”, that brought me this close to writing a post on cannibalism.

Yes, cannibalism.

Instead, please enjoy this brief excerpt from the book I’ve been writing for the past three years and may or may not ever finish. (FYI, The “Mexican Jumping Bean” is a sex position. That’s right…I was once paid good money to design a website about  sex positions.)

********

Aside from my uniform, I’ve been really looking forward to my debut on Scott’s office dodgeball team. Not only will I be meeting tons of new faces tonight, it’s an excuse to get off the sofa and engage in some much needed exercise. That’s right, the queen of Pepperidge Farms has suddenly started caring about physical activity—I’m sure it comes as no surprise that this shift in priorities emerged after what I’ll refer to as a ‘shameful cookie binge’.

The cookie binge was particularly shameful as it occurred during an early morning conference call.  Apparently, the mute feature on my iPhone toggles on and off with just the slightest bump of the chin. Due to my infamously poor timing, the Cookie-Monster-like noises I emitted while pounding an entire package of Double Stuff Oreos did not go unnoticed by Cliff once the mute button was off.

Had we not yet again been discussing the subtleties of the Mexican Jumping Bean, it may have been slightly less uncomfortable.

“I’m just worried it might be a little too…well…kinky for our readers.”

Nom! Nom! Nom!

“I mean…I don’t know… is there even such a thing as too kinky? I know we want to be cutting edge, but I don’t want to cross the line either…Andrew, what do you think?”

Nom! Nom! Nom!

“Nah, I think it’s fine, Cliff…If anything I’m just a little freaked out by the girl. Her illustration is less like a woman and more like a centaur.”

Nom! Nom! Nom! What the hell is a centaur? Nom! Nom! Nom!

“Andrew – what the hell is a centaur?”

“Oh, it’s like, you know – one of those mythological creatures? Human torso, horse legs.”

I thought only guys could be centaurs? Nom! Nom! Nom! BELCH. Nom!

“Wow. You know, you’re right. She does kind of look like a centaur. I guess for some reason I thought all centaurs were male, though?”

Exactly. Nom! Nom!

“Um, Katrina? Are you…alright?”

Nom! Nom! Choke! CHOKE! CHOOOOKKKEEE!

I ended up blaming the incident on Jolie, claiming she was chewing one of her dental sticks a little too close to the speaker. Here’s hoping everyone on the phone believes Chihuahuas are actually capable of belching noises.

****

On the bright side, at least we’re all in agreement on what a centaur is. (And didn’t have to read 500 words on cannibalism.) Happy Friday!

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Remind me why I live here, again?

Remind me why I live here, again? 7

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My drive to the gym this morning was a little…well…chilly.

temp

Scott and I moved to Minnesota exactly two years and one month ago tomorrow. It seems like at least eighteen months of that time have been snowy, windy and bitterly cold.

The great Midwestern winter of 2014 isn’t showing any signs of leaving, which is why I felt it necessary to remind myself why I chose to leave my mild-wintered life in Seattle so I might call this frozen–albeit totally charming–tundra my home.

1. Summer

Aside from mosquitos the size of small birds, nothing can compare to a Minnesota summer. We’re the land of 10,000 lakes! No offense, Seattle, but I’ll take jumping into a nice, bathwater-like pool of glass before the icy Puget Sound any month of the year. (And by any month I clearly mean any of those between May and September.)

2. Traffic

Traffic? What traffic? I certainly don’t miss having to deal with rush hour, HOV lanes, and cramped parallel parking. On the downside, no one honks their horns here, which is something I’m still trying to remember. (I’ve mistakenly offended several SUV moms and slow-driving senior citizens due to my beeping habit. Whoops.)

3. Target

Target is headquartered in Minneapolis, which means they have retail locations on just about every corner. It also means I have way too many random graphic-tees and throw pillows.

4. Cost of living

Living in ‘Sota is a fraction of the price of our former life in Seattle. We were able to purchase a home that would have been way outside the budget in Washington, and still have funds left over for travel and those Target throw pillows.

5. Minnesota Nice

If you’re not sure what that is…read about it here. It basically means if your car gets stuck in a snow bank, twelve people will magically appear with shovels to dig you out, and then invite you over for hot dish.

6. The food

Speaking of hot dish…Minnesota has some pretty tasty regional cuisine. Tater tots, walleye, and wild rice are a few of my personal faves.

7. The abundance of Norwegians

When I shout out “Uff da!”, people nod in agreement as opposed to looking at me like I need to be committed.

8. The Mall of America

As much as I pretend to hate that place, I kind of secretly love it.

9. Active living

Believe it or not, I live in an incredibly healthy state–Minnesotans love to get outside and move! In the winter its cross-country skiing, snowshoeing, ice fishing and snowmobiling. Come summer, the entire population is hiking, jogging, riding bikes, swimming, kayaking, wake boarding or  stand-up paddle-boarding. It makes sense if you think about it…we’ve got to do something to burn off all that casserole.

10. Wildlife

Because I live in the country, I see deer, fox, pelicans, eagles, loons, hawks, turtles and prairie dogs on the regular. It makes me feel like Sleeping Beauty during that scene in the forest where the woodland creatures surround her for a flawlessly choreographed song and dance. Instead of singing and dancing, I’m shooing these critters away from my oh-so-tasty looking chihuahua…but otherwise it’s totally the same.

11. Bragging rights

Sure…it’s cold as #$*& here…but the miserable weather will earn you instant street cred when you explain to your out-of-state friends the conditions your forced to exist in.

12. The Dairy

Ice cream, custard, cheese curds…enough said.

13. The Cities

Minneapolis an Saint Paul are absolutely wonderful. I’ve done my fair share of traveling, and truly believe the Minnesota metro area can hold a candle to most other major cities in the U.S. Our Twin Cities are rich in culture and the arts, and boast a vibrant music and food scene. They’re the top biking cities in America (Minneapolis actually invented the rentable city bike!) and are jam-packed with unique, charming neighborhoods. I love a weekend getaway to MSP anytime I get a hankering for some urban life.

14. Bloody Mary’s

‘Sota knows how to do my signature cocktail right — served with a generously portioned beer chaser. (Why didn’t I make this number one on this list?!)

*****

When I stop to think about it, Minnesota has tons of redeeming qualities. Sure… the winter weather meant I could barely start my car this morning, but come summer I’ll be floating on our lake without a care in the world. Is a Minnesota winter worth it? Absolutely.

What are the best and worst things about your state? I loved the natural beauty of Washington (not to mention all the coffee), but will never miss the traffic. Good riddance, Interstate 5!

 

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