It’s Friday. I’ve had a long, exhausting week and my freaking staircase of doom still isn’t painted.
I also have a severe case of “bloggers block”, that brought me this close to writing a post on cannibalism.
Instead, please enjoy this brief excerpt from the book I’ve been writing for the past three years and may or may not ever finish. (FYI, The “Mexican Jumping Bean” is a sex position. That’s right…I was once paid good money to design a website about sex positions.)
Aside from my uniform, I’ve been really looking forward to my debut on Scott’s office dodgeball team. Not only will I be meeting tons of new faces tonight, it’s an excuse to get off the sofa and engage in some much needed exercise. That’s right, the queen of Pepperidge Farms has suddenly started caring about physical activity—I’m sure it comes as no surprise that this shift in priorities emerged after what I’ll refer to as a ‘shameful cookie binge’.
The cookie binge was particularly shameful as it occurred during an early morning conference call. Apparently, the mute feature on my iPhone toggles on and off with just the slightest bump of the chin. Due to my infamously poor timing, the Cookie-Monster-like noises I emitted while pounding an entire package of Double Stuff Oreos did not go unnoticed by Cliff once the mute button was off.
Had we not yet again been discussing the subtleties of the Mexican Jumping Bean, it may have been slightly less uncomfortable.
“I’m just worried it might be a little too…well…kinky for our readers.”
Nom! Nom! Nom!
“I mean…I don’t know… is there even such a thing as too kinky? I know we want to be cutting edge, but I don’t want to cross the line either…Andrew, what do you think?”
Nom! Nom! Nom!
“Nah, I think it’s fine, Cliff…If anything I’m just a little freaked out by the girl. Her illustration is less like a woman and more like a centaur.”
Nom! Nom! Nom! What the hell is a centaur? Nom! Nom! Nom!
“Andrew – what the hell is a centaur?”
“Oh, it’s like, you know – one of those mythological creatures? Human torso, horse legs.”
I thought only guys could be centaurs? Nom! Nom! Nom! BELCH. Nom!
“Wow. You know, you’re right. She does kind of look like a centaur. I guess for some reason I thought all centaurs were male, though?”
Exactly. Nom! Nom!
“Um, Katrina? Are you…alright?”
Nom! Nom! Choke! CHOKE! CHOOOOKKKEEE!
I ended up blaming the incident on Jolie, claiming she was chewing one of her dental sticks a little too close to the speaker. Here’s hoping everyone on the phone believes Chihuahuas are actually capable of belching noises.
On the bright side, at least we’re all in agreement on what a centaur is. (And didn’t have to read 500 words on cannibalism.) Happy Friday!