I wrote this post in February 2013, but haven’t had the balls to post it until now. In fact, we no longer even live in our apartment with the secret drawer. In the new house, my collection of shame is located in the back of my closet, behind all my TOMS.
As a disclaimer, this post isn’t meant to offend anyone. I love kids! But I think the 900 words below prove I’m not currently in the correct mental state to actually be responsible for any of them quite yet.
Read on, and you’ll see what I mean.
I have a secret drawer in our guest bathroom.
While I wish it was full of something cool, like Twix bars or Tiger Beat magazines, I must admit it contains something way more lame and humiliating.
That’s right. Pregnancy tests.
Please allow me to clarify that I am NOT pregnant…nor do I really want to be pregnant. (Perhaps eventually…but not, like, today.) I have not purchased these tests out of hope. I have purchased them out of fear.
Fear that is spurred by the following thoughts I have on an almost daily basis:
“Oh my gosh! I drank three glasses of wine at happy hour and ate two sushi rolls! And there’s a .0001 percent chance that I could be pregnant! Now I’m going to have a baby with three eyes!”
“I just spent sixty minutes in a 300 degree sauna! Now the twins I’m hypothetically carrying are going to be attached at the back of their misshapen, albeit adorable, little heads!”
“Oh no!!! I’ve been using those pesky class X skin care products made entirely of retinol that Scott gave me from the clinic! What if I’m pregnant? The fact that I have a wrinkle free face won’t matter when I’m birthing a child with a hairy tail and no nose!!!”
Yet despite my best attempts at rational thought, these are the worries that have spurred me to buy several pregnancy tests a month over the past few years. Naturally, I always insist on purchasing the pricey digital ones as I just don’t trust the ghetto plus/minus sign knock offs. I need to actually see the words “Not Pregnant” to prove that I’m not cooking a three-headed child with hooves as the result of too much Chelada.
When I think of all the money I’ve wasted on these overpriced pee sticks, it makes me want to punch myself in the face. And don’t even ask how Scott feels about the entire thing. He utters the phrase, “You’re not pregnant! NOW QUIT THROWING OUR MONEY AWAY!!” at least twice a month.
This viciously expensive cycle creates a fair share of embarrassing moments. A few weeks ago, I made a late night stop to Wal-Mart to pick up a few pregnancy tests. Because buying a bulk-sized box of First Response at midnight seemed slightly questionable, I decided I should probably purchase a few other things to make me seem slightly more legitimate.
Naturally, I chose three watermelon flavored ring pops.
(Those are totally legitimate, right?)
Out of the two aisles that were open, I chose the register with a kind looking little old lady who didn’t seem very judgmental.
“Are you hopeful?” she sweetly asked as she scanned the box of shame.
I need to say something here. If ever you find yourself in a position where you’re assisting someone with the purchase of a pregnancy test, DO NOT COMMENT ON IT. Even if you are an adorable little old lady wearing a cat sweater.
Two years ago, Scott found a new box of tests that he insisted I bring it back to the store as I was ‘obviously not pregnant…just crazy’. When I returned the tests, the sixteen year old girl at the counter responded with a big old smiley “I’m guessing this is a good thing for you, right?”
What was I even supposed to say to that!?
Instead of telling granny whether or not I was hopeful, I quickly unwrapped a watermelon ring pop, shoved it in my mouth, and waved thank you to her with my real wedding-ring hand so she didn’t make assumptions. I’m going to forgive Mildred for inquiring about my personal life as she was wearing totally adorable bifocals and smelled just like my Grandma. But just this once, Mildred.
I think this is God’s way of telling me I need to lay of the crazy. (Not to mention the ring pops.)
I mean…if I’m this unhinged now, can you imagine what a disaster I’d be if I actually had a child?!