Whenever I’m out-of-town, Scott feels the need to play pranks on me via text message. Perhaps the most memorable example is the time he had me half-convinced he was leaving me for a man.
Scott’s record is marked with so many text-message fibs, not only am I used to them, I’ve come to expect them. My week in Seattle has been no different. What’s that saying? “When the wife’s away, the husband will send false claims to her iPhone”…? Something like that.
Scott’s first attempt to fool me occurred Monday evening. He’d traveled to his dad’s blueberry farm to help with the harvest, and sent me the following photo.
And then came the lies…
I wouldn’t have given his claims a second thought had the photo not be so convincing.
(I later learned she was simply sunbathing.)
It was a cruel, menacing joke. I didn’t think Scott could stoop any lower than making me think, even for a split second, that Penny had passed on into the afterlife.
Thursday morning, he showed me otherwise.
(Guys — the only thing worse than trying to convince your spouse that her beloved snuggle pooch passed away in a blueberry field is lying to her about money. Remember that.)
Being that the Powerball jackpot was up to $40 million dollars, I figured buying a couple of tickets was a wise way to “invest” a two dollars. I had Scott pick up our entries on his way home from work, and kept my fingers crossed. The following morning, I learned of the winning tickets had been purchased in, you guessed it, ‘Sota.
For a second I thought that just maybe we had become overnight rich people.
(And yes…”overnight rich people” is totally a legit term.)
In spite of my doubtful text messages, I was actually starting to somewhat believe him at this point. Immediately, I weighed the benefits of purchasing a luxury loft in Brooklyn versus an oceanfront retreat in Seattle. Oh, wait…we were about to be overnight rich people. We could have both!
I immediately called Scott to discuss whether or not he would like to vacation in Africa or Japan first. When he didn’t pick up by my fourth call, I began to grow frustrated.
This was a complete lie designed to make Scott think I was keeping my cool.
(Plus…Japan and Africa are technically non Powerball related.)
At this point, I knew he was bluffing. Anyone who’s seen The Lottery Changed My Life on TLC knows you have a full year to call in and claim your prize!
(Please tell me I’m not the only one who watches that show religiously…?)
Suspecting he wasn’t actually driving home to hide our golden ticket, I pulled up my trusty ‘Find My Husband’ app, which allows me to track Scott’s location via GPS at any given moment. Sure, the app is intended for locating a lost iPhone…but when you’re married to Scott, you quickly learn it’s capable of serving more valuable purposes. You know…like recieving confirmation from Google Maps that your husband is still at the office — not driving home to hide a piece of paper worth 40 million dollars.
I need to stop being so gullible. I could practically hear Scott snickering from thousands of miles away.
Oh…and if I ever do win the Powerball, my first frivolous purchase will be life insurance policies for both of the dogs. I mean…you never know when one of them is going to drop dead in a blueberry field or something.