Pushing up tulips

Pushing up tulips 2

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Yesterday, I whined about how the melting snow revealed an extremely unfortunate poop cul-de-sac in my backyard.

But my complaining in regards to our winter thaw are far from done. I have yet to complain about our 20-yard driveway.

(Twenty yards is an approximate estimate as I have no depth perception/inherent measuring skills. Regardless of my ballpark figure’s accuracy, just know that our driveway is really freaking long.)

It’s also, in my humble opinion, the most difficult driveway to back out of in all of Minnesota. Even in good conditions. The “gravel runway” leading to our garage initially appears straight…but is in fact quite crooked. It also slopes up to meet the adjoining dirt road. This has been the source of great agony for myself and the Corolla over the past three months.

Great agony.

Our tiny Toyota has found itself stuck in the snowy drifts of our driveway more times than I care to admit. On the bright side, in no less than twelve months I’ve gone from a girl who doesn’t own a snow shovel and has no idea how to dig a car out, to a tire digging madwoman who eats snowdrifts for breakfast.

But that doesn’t mean I enjoy the process.

Needless to say, I was jumping for joy as the snow in our driveway slowly turned to slush. No more embarrassing shoveling while the neighbors look on, shaking their heads in disgust at the fact that you still haven’t purchased a snow plow.

(Or so I thought.)

Little did I know that getting out of the driveway in melting snow is actually worse than getting out of the driveway in regular snow. Watch this video, and you’ll see what I mean.

Unfortunately, I mistakenly cut the video about ten seconds short, which means you only witnessed  2/3 of the havoc wreaked on our driveway yard. But what I’m lacking in video footage, I’ll make up for with a snarky bulleted list of what exactly went wrong during my two hour battle with the slush.

  • I tried to pull out backwards and forwards, both with no luck.
  • I got stuck approximately ten different times.
  • I FaceTimed Scott and started swearing.
  • I  hit a tree.
  • I was forced to dig up half a dozen tulip bulbs that had the misfortune of being stuck under my front driver’s side tire.
  • I FaceTimed Scott and started crying.
  • I gave my very best puppy eyes to a neighbor driving by, hoping they would feel sorry for me and come help with my efforts. (They didn’t.)
  • My hands started bleeding due to a nasty snow shovel callous.
  • The neighbor’s German Shepherd (yes….the same one responsible for all the poop) taunted me the entire time.

dog

  • The copious amounts of sweat dripping from my head ruined my blowout.
  • I FaceTimed Scott and started laughing. (While crying.) (And sweating.)
  • I finally got the car out of the driveway. (Without running into the German Shepherd, thankfully.)
  • I blasted the radio as I pulled out onto a slush-free paved road. “This Is How We Do It” resounded through the cabin of the Corolla. All was right with the world.

*****

P.S. It’s supposed to snow again today. If I have to go through this again, I might dig up the rest of our tulips on purpose out of sheer spite and rage.

P.P.S. I really love our neighbors. And their dog. In other words…there are no hard feelings about the poop.

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The poop cul-de-sac

The poop cul-de-sac 16

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I’d officially like to revoke my status update from Sunday afternoon.

fbWe’ve been hit with a forty-degree heat wave in Smalltown, which means the mountains of snow that have surrounded us for the past several months are slowly but surely on their way out.

Initially, I was overjoyed. Warmer weather! No more scary driving! The opportunity to wear something other than snow boots! 

Yet as the signs of winter continue to fade away, I can’t help but grow increasingly frustrated with the…er…issues I’m having with all this melting snow.

(Leave it to me to find multiple reasons to complain about springtime.)

The first is a little something I’ve dubbed “the poop cul-de-sac”, which refers to an area of snow Scott cleared in the backyard so our dogs would be able to use the bathroom. Such measures must be taken when the snow is five times the height of your chihuahua, who still refuses to use a litterbox.

Each week, Scott would grab his trusty shovel to dig a maze-like network of paths through the freshly fallen snow. The first version of this doggie labyrinth was quite intricate. There were three large circles (“potty number one”, “potty number two” and “trinity”) which were each connected through narrow, carefully cleared paths. Yet as the snow continued to fall, the upkeep of such a complex poo maze became too much to handle. A month into winter, the girls’ lavatory was reduced to a single path off the back patio that led to a large circle. The poop cul-de-sac was born.

While this miniature bathroom trail proved quite convenient through the colder months, it’s now turning into a problem of epic proportions. The packed down ice of our little cul-de-sac was the first thing to melt…quickly revealing layer upon layer of freshly thawed dog doo.

(It also became immediately apparent than our neighbor’s German Shepherd has been frequenting the cul-de-sac for at least three months.)

So what’s a girl to do? Leave the giant feces tumor there and hope it makes the new grass grow in really green? Shovel it away into the woods? Pray that the German Shepherd comes back and eats it all?  I’m at a loss for which strategy to adopt…but am clearly hoping for one that doesn’t involve hand-to-turd contact.

There’s been one other major snafu involving the melting snow…but after typing 400 words on the petrified poop sculpture that’s taking over my cornhole court (no pun intended…I swear), I’m too upset to write about it. You’ll just have to hear about it tomorrow.

In the meantime…any tips on how to make the feces tumor go away? I can’t be the only one who has this problem!

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Hippie Habits

Hippie Habits 9

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I think I might be turning into a hippie, you guys.

(Hippies can still shop at Nordstrom and drink Americanos, right?)

While I’m still curling my hair and wearing bras (most of the time), my recent behavior has me legitimately concerned I’m just one tie-dye t-shirt away from..well…founding a drum circle.

Check out the four habits I’ve picked up this month and see if you agree:

 

1. I made a daisy chain. (And I’m wearing it to work today.)

Floral crowns are all the rage this Spring, and  I’m certainly not one to ignore  a ridiculous, teenage fashion trend! Yet as I browsed every last teeny-bopper store in the local mall, I couldn’t seem to find a headband that suited my fancy. They were all too big, too pink, or too….sparkly.

So, I sauntered into JoAnn Fabrics and purchased supplies to make my own.

flowers

I couldn’t be happier with the final result. Feminine and dainty without looking too much like something a blushing bride would wear to her nudist Haight-Ashbury summer solstice wedding circa 1969. Definitely going to be one of my summer accessory staples!

 

2. I’m brewing my own kombucha.

I started drinking kombucha in 2006 after hearing rave reviews about the fermented tea from…er…Bethenny Frankel. (Embarrassing, and totally anti-hippie, but true.)

I can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s delicious, refreshing, and incredibly healthy. Unfortunately, it’s also really freaking expensive.

I’ve toyed with the idea of concocting my own batch at home, but have always chickened-out due to fear of poisoning myself. (Anyone familiar with my cooking skills understands that this is a rational and legitimate fear.)

But this week, after months of hemming and hawing, I finally bit the bullet and ordered this kit from Amazon. Also? While I haven’t informed him of it yet, Scott will be the brewmaster. I figure this reduces the likelihood of accidental poisoning by at least ninety percent.

 

3. I’ve started oil pulling.

A good friend recently shared this blog post on oil pulling on Facebook. Instantly intrigued, I clicked through to read about the benefits of swishing organic coconut oil around in your mouth for twenty minutes each morning.

Seconds later, I found myself sitting in the bathtub, my mouth full of organic coconut oil.

While I’ve already noticed my teeth are significantly whiter, the benefits of oil pulling allegedly extend far beyond oral health. Plus…coconut oil tastes good. Not to worry — I’m still brushing and flossing at night. But my morning teeth-cleaning routine has been completely replaced with a twenty-minute oil pull.

Peace, love and coconut breath.

 

4. I’m considering raising chickens

In the back yard. We’ve certainly got the space for it, and the idea of homegrown eggs and poultry is ridiculously tempting. (As is the prospect of Jolie and Penny, unsuccessfully chasing hens each time they venture outside for a potty break. Hours of free entertainment!)

Scott and I have casually discussed the idea of chickens in the past, and reading this book has just about pushed me over the edge. Plus…I need more occasions to wear my fancy-schmancy overalls.

overalls

Farmer Katrina, indeed.

*****

I was also going to share some of my sketchy deodorant habits (I swear, I don’t smell!), but I’ll save that for another post. I think the above four points are more than enough evidence to convict myself of wannabe-yuppie-flower-child-confusion status. (Whatever that is.)

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The Fab Five: March 2014

The Fab Five: March 2014 4

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Reasons why I hate March:

  • I really don’t care for Saint Patrick’s Day and all the traditional festivities surrounding it. (Red beer I can handle…but green beer? No.)
  • Because of Lent, all the fast food joints in Smalltown are frying up fish sandwiches on behalf of our devout, processed food lovin’ demographic. Whenever I drive into town, it smells like a Jolie’s breath after she’s polished off a cheap can of salmon.
  • It’s ‘Sota’s snowiest month of the year.
  • I’m forced to watch basketball game after basketball game.

I swear, I’m not trying to ruin your weekend with my pessimistic whining. In fact, I think it’s high time I put on some rose-colored glasses and focused on something a little more upbeat.

Like the five new things I’m loving this month, perhaps?

1. The Americans

americans

 

A coworker recommended this series while I was complaining about my House of Cards withdrawals. (After binge watching season 2 over Valentine’s weekend, I was left feeling sad and empty when faced with the reality of no more episodes for a long ass time.)

Season 2 of  The Americans is currently airing on FX, but you can stream the first season at your leisure with an Amazon Prime account. I was hooked from the pilot, and have quickly fallen in love with the fast-paced story line and complex characters. The show follows two Soviet KGB spies living in the DC suburbs during the 1980s. I find myself rooting for the bad guys (and craving a hot, steamy bowl of Russian borscht) in pretty much every episode. Really, my only complaint is that Keri Russell’s hair isn’t curly.

 

2. EOS Lipbalm

eos

I’ve seen so many ads for this stuff in Us Weekly, it’s a miracle it took me so long to pick up a tube sphere. And yes, it was a complete impulse buy made while standing in the checkout line at Target. (To my credit, it was either EOS or a king-sized Snickers bar.)

I learned today that EOS stands for “Evolution of Smooth”, which is a totally accurate description. This magical goop makes your lips feel like silk and it smells incredible. If you’re like me, and are toting no less than 27 tubes of lipstick in your handbag at any given moment, the unique shape of the balm makes it easy to locate with a quick finger brisk. This is highly preferable to dumping the contents of your purse out each time your husband demands “chapstick that isn’t tinted or sparkly!!”

 

3. This shirt from Target

tee

 

I’ve spent the majority of my twenties on a quest for three things: cellulite free thighs, a way to convince Scott to adopt pet monkey, and the perfect tee.

I’m proud to say I’ve finally checked number three of the list.

I boast a collection of tees from American Apparel, Madewell, J. Crew and the GAP — but this $12 cheapie from Target is my hands-down favorite. It’s long and slouchy while still being curve-hugging and flattering. The fabric has a unique nubby texture and is ridiculously comfortable. I highly encourage you to purchase one in every color, before they sell out.

(If only the monkey thing were as simple.)

 

4. Eat The Yolks

book

 

I was initially drawn to this book by the title and cover photo. I’ve always loved egg yolks, and have never understood why people are so deathly afraid of eating them. I mean…if the yolk of an egg is the worst thing you’re eating, I’d say you’re doing pretty well.

The book is definitely pro-Paleo. While I’m not sure I’m quite ready to join the prehistoric diet cult just yet, the book has great insight and takeaways even if you’re not planning on parting with your beloved carbs. Liz is a fantastic writer and prevents nutritional information in a way that is dry, sarcastic and downright hilarious. I just started reading last night and am already a quarter of the way through. I especially love this quote from Liz, which essentially sums up the concept of the entire book:

“On the list of things that matter about our food, calories are dead last.”

 

5. Pencil skirts with crop tops

crop

The crop top trend is nothing new, but I’m loving Spring’s fresh take on pairing it with sleek pencil skirts. I snagged the above ensemble from Express this week, and can’t wait to slip into it as soon as the temperature warms up. (Maybe by April?? Fingers crossed!)

****

What are you loving this March? I promise, I won’t thing any less of you if it’s some good ol’ Irish  green beer.

Psst! Want more Fab Five posts? They’re all right here

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