Two summers ago, I forgot about Jolie’s birthday until we were left with a mere 2 hours to celebrate. I rushed to the store, purchased the first bag of Canine Carryouts I could get my grubby little hands on, and bolted home to feed them to her.
Out of guilt, I allowed her to eat the entire bag.
Jolie eventually passed out on the floor, her belly swollen with processed meat products, her eyes glazed over with regret and shame.
It was the most terrible birthday in the history of doggie birthdays.
Last year, I planned ahead and ordered a fancy cupcake made especially for pups.
It cost eight dollars, and judging the by look on Jolie’s face, tasted like rotten squirrel meat with pink frosting. She took a few bites before letting out a disappointed sigh and trotting off to her cave of throw pillows.
After two consecutive failed birthday celebrations, I promised that when Jolie turns 56 this year, things would be different. Special. Epic, even.
You see, this year, I was going to bake a doggie meat cake.
I’d like to say I thought of this idea on my own, but must admit that I stole it from Jolie’s friend Wally. Wally is a chihuahua I met back in Seattle at church choir practice.
Yes, church choir practice. (It’s kind of a long story.)
Anyway, Wally invited us to his birthday party that year. While we were unable to attend due to a prior engagement, we made sure to send a bag of Canine Carryouts as a gift.
Two weeks later, Jolie received a thank you card in the mail from Wally.
A homemade thank you card that featured a photo of Wally blowing out the candles on his maple glazed birthday meat cake.
I knew if I wanted to win the doggie mother of the year award, I too would need to create a handcrafted, cheese covered, maple glazed meat cake with gravy on top. I’ve been trolling the internet for weeks trying to find the perfect recipe, and finally settled on this one. I’ll need to drastically cut down on the portions as it calls for six pounds of hamburger, but I think I can make it work. I also plan on adding some bacon, and possibly goose liver.
I don’t mean to brag, but I think this cake is going to totally make all those bratty girls on My Super Sweet 16 green with envy. Or green with food poisoning. Either way, they’ll be very, very green.
All MTV references aside, never in my life have I been so thrilled to bake a cake out of ground beef. It will be glorious. It will be salty. It will be made with the flesh of four different species.
It will be the most artfully crafted meat pastry in the state of Minnesota.
That’s when I realized we had a problem. Due to some terribly poor planning on my part, we won’t actually be in the state of Minnesota on Jolie’s big day. That’s right — her birthday falls smack dab in the middle of a trip to San Diego to visit my brother.
Cue me, sobbing so uncontrollably, I literally started choking. When Scott asked if I was okay, all I could manage to spit out was ”No!! MEATCAKE!!!”
We were thirty seconds into the heimlich maneuver before Scott finally realized that I wasn’t actually choking on meatcake. I quickly explained the heartbreaking predicament in more detail, and we came up with a possible solution.
Jolie could come to California for her birthday.
Yes, it is over the top, ridiculous, and will cost about $500. And you already know how I feel about flying with dogs.
But truly…the only thing better than getting a meatcake on your birthday is going to California and getting a meatcake on your birthday! Am I right or am I right?
Plus, I feel like all chihuahua’s who wear dresses must make a pilgrimage to Southern California at some point in their life. It’s, like, totally a religious purse dog experience.
Also? Jolie at Sea World.
While we haven’t reached a decision yet, I’m well aware that this may be the most ludicrous canine birthday scheme in this history of the modern world.
Which is precisely why I’m actually kind of considering it.