I have got to stop texting while driving.
It makes it nearly impossible to apply make up.
Which is exactly what I was doing while stuck in the Southbound I-5 traffic on my way to last night’s Britney Spears concert at the Tacoma Dome.
Not only did I apply false eyelashes while changing lanes, I also managed to shimmy into a pair of Spanx with only one free hand.
I know what you’re thinking.
I should totally audition for America’s Got Talent.
Sorry to disappoint, but I’m holding out for a spot on Survivor: Ibiza.
I finally rolled up to the Tacoma Dome looking like a poor man’s version of Aubrey O’Day.
It’s up to you to decide if that’s a good or a bad thing.
Much to my dismay, all of the other concert goers were emerging from mini-vans with phrases like “Britney or Bust!” painted on the rear windows. They were clad in jeans, t-shirts and the occasional hoodie.
This is Britney, people. Show some respect.
With my sister Hayley by my side, I made my grand entrance into the official Britney Pre-Party.
Needless to say, we were disappointed.
Hayley and I decided to take the high road.
And by “high road” I mean staging our own personal photo shoot in the corner.
Hayley rocked a “Miley meets Ke$ha” look.
She was fabulous. This completely cancels out the romper photos, if you ask me.
I donned an ensemble that Hayley described as “80s couture from far away, trashy 80s when up-close”.
While the above photo session may not have been the most classy choice, we both agreed it was a step up from waiting in line for a Britney Spears henna tattoo.
While the masses waited patiently in line for their cheesy henna tats, Hayley and I hit up the Kube 93 step and repeat.
Then it was off to do some shopping. I have to say that I was really disappointed with the Femme Fatale merch. Only one item caught my pretty little eye.
Aren’t they fabulous? Too bad they break my new shopping rule: if I can’t wear it to work, I shouldn’t buy it.
Something tells me these wouldn’t go over too well at the office.
Although I did contemplate the possibility of secretly wearing them under my dress slacks on days when I need a little extra spring in my step.
However, the idea of stretching Britney’s face to twice it’s normal width in order to cover my behind just seemed blasphemous.
So instead of spending sixty bucks on Brit Brit leggings, I chose to do something far more productive.
I dropped five bucks on a Tacoma Dome Big Dog.
Oh, come one. You know Britney was scarfing one of these down back stage. I was just going for the authentic princess of pop experience.
For some reason, I felt the need to finish it off with a bang.
I was quite thirsty after the above episode. As always, the Tacoma Dome was one step ahead of me.
I resisted, opting for the bottle of Arrowhead water instead.
Despite eating the last bite of my hot dog as if it were a tequila shot, I do have some standards.
With our bellies full, our thirsts quenched, and half an hour until showtime, what are two Britney fans to do?
Take over a handicapped restroom stall for a second photo shoot, of course.
You’re probably wondering about the image in the lower right-hand corner. Let me just explain that it is an “action shot”, taken while I performed the original choreography from Britney’s 2001 “Crazy” music video.
I’m not sure which is sadder — the fact that I actually know the choreography, or the fact that we are completely sober in all of the above photos.
Can you imagine what would have gone down had we given in to the temptation of the energy drink filled Britney cups?
I just really hope there wasn’t anyone in a wheelchair waiting to pee while we…um…utilized the stall for twenty minutes.
Finally, it was showtime.
We hooted and hollered to Nervo, shook our moneymakers to Nicki Minaj and nearly lost our voices as we explained to two highly intoxicated college students clad in matching leopard print ensembles that we were most definitely not in their seats.
And then, my heart stopped.
Miss Spears had taken the stage.
I stopped singing.
Stood perfectly still and stared for ninety minutes as my hero gyrated across the glittering stage in an array of hand embroidered bodysuits.
I was enthralled.
I go into a similar “trance” when watching Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC.
It kind of makes sense — both events are extremely pink and sparkly.
I’ll let you see for yourself.
It was pure magic.
The only thing that comes close was seeing Laura Bell Bundy play the roll of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde on Broadway.
Speaking of musicals, I think the Femme Fatale experience is best summarized with lyrics from Wicked’s “For Good”:
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I
knew you saw you in concert
I have been changed for good
In conclusion, I feel I must share my learnings with those of you who were unable to attend last night’s festivities.
Yes, I actually learned a few things at the concert.
Three things, to be exact.
1. I must immediately grow my hair out and become a pop star. They’ll be able to auto tune my voice, no problem…I just need to practice walking with a sassy swagger into the direct wind blow of a fan while making breathy noises and flipping my newly grown-out hair.
2. It is absolutely vital that I posses a champagne colored, jewel encrusted bodysuit. And yes, I will find a way to wear it to work. Can’t break the new shopping rule.
3. I am never having children. Because there is a distinct possibility that someday, they will attend a pop concert wearing these boots…