This changes everything.
On Tuesday, it came to my attention that the remodel of the Target in Small Town would in fact include the addition of a Stargetbucks as I predicted a few weeks ago.
Insert cartwheel here.
Also insert sprained ankle here.
My joyous cartwheel turned cankle injury is sort of a metaphor for this entire situation, don’t you think? It’s good news, yet its tainted.
Tainted because I’ve been cheating on the little green mermaid with a certain male caribou.
I find myself caught in a caffeinated love triangle that simply cannot sustain itself.
Do I choose Starbucks or Caribou?
I suppose I could always go on Jerry Springer and just let the audience decide for me…?
No, you’re right. Definitely not a classy choice.
One the one hand, I have a deep-rooted brand loyalty to Starbucks.
I’m from Seattle.
I’ve been drinking their lattes for the last twelve years.
Okay, technically I was drinking Caramel Frappuccinos for four of those years. Before my adult coffee palette developed, and all.
I’m also feeling sentimental as my beloved Starbucks tumbler was finally returned to me yesterday evening.
Stargetbucks makes a pretty convincing case.
On the other hand, Starbucks definitely doesn’t have fat-free whipped cream.
And I worked so hard to win Mary the barista over — it just seems wrong to abandon all of that blood, sweat and sugar-free syrup for a Skinny Caramel Macchiato.
I decided to let Google maps aid me in this life-altering decision and see which coffee shop was the closest to our new condo. A lot of help that was. They are precisely the same distance away…down to the tenth of a mile.
Although the Caribou Coffee closest to our new place is the one frequented by the mom gang who wants to shank me in the parking lot, so I’d say Starbucks wins that point.
I suppose a decision with such gravity can’t really be made until I actually experience this new Stargetbucks.
Sure, It could be amazing.
But it could also be populated by a dad gang who wants to run over me with their Ford F-150s after I make fun of their Carhart overalls.
(I’m just trying to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario. It’s called being realistic.)
And let’s face it — someone who finds themselves entangled in a latte-fueled love triangle is nothing if not realistic.
That argument sounded better in my head.
Anyway, going to check out the new Stargetbucks before choosing my coffee life-partner opens up a whole new can of worms. You see, in my original post about moving to a town with no Starbucks, I made a vow.
A vow that when Seattle’s green mermaid finally arrived in Small Town, I would be her very first customer.
This is where things get complicated.
As soon as I heard the good news, I called Target of Small Town to inquire when Stargetbucks would be opening. I assumed it would probably happen sometime after we moved…perhaps the beginning of April.
It opens March 5th.
As in a week from this Monday.
I called again two days later, just to make sure the impending grand opening was actually on the fifth.
Not only did the same woman answer my question, I’m pretty sure she recognized my voice. And the desperate inflection in my voice that made me sound as if I was calling to ask about something really important.
Like, “When does the pharmacy close because I’m having a severe allergic reaction and might die in less than an hour” important.
To this former Seattleite, Stargetbucks is that important.
Much to my dismay, Stargetbucks will indeed be opening a week from this Monday. We’ll still be at my father-in-law’s, which means I am faced with an incredibly difficult choice.
A choice to leave his place at 6:00 on a Monday morning so that I might arrive at the Small Town Target by 7:30am, ready when they open for business at 8:00.
Or a choice to save three hours of driving and thirty dollars of gas, allowing some undeserving citizen of Small Town to steal my title of “First Stargetbucks customer in Smalltown County”.
I also don’t know if our recently dented vehicle will be back from the auto shop by then.
So, in addition to hijacking a car from my in-laws, I’ll also need to think of some excuse that justifies a trip to Small Town on a random Monday. You know, so Scott doesn’t go balls to the walls crazy when he finds out why I’m really driving up there.
Although…now that I think about it, I suppose I could tell him I need to submit paperwork for my side job at the local gym during my lunch break…
Yes, it’s a little dishonest…but not going to Small Town would mean forgoing my chance to be apart of Stargetbucks history.
It would also mean sheepishly showing up at Caribou Coffee with my Starbucks cup in hand so that I might use their WiFi while I work all day.
That’s right, Stargetbucks has no WiFi. I know because I called and asked. Twice.
I’m at a loss for what to do.
Which is why I’m leaving this in your hands.
What I’m trying to say is this: I trust you guys way more than the delusional audience at a Jerry Springer show taping.
You should take that as a compliment.
If you feel so inspired, please vote in the poll below. Come March 5th, I’ll do whatever your votes tell me to.
The added bonus? If Scott finds out about my Caramel Macchiato hijinks, I can blame the road trip on someone else.
It’s up to you, my friends. Choose wisely.
What twist of fate will the above poll hand me?
DRUGS COFFEE: Have you signed up for my free coffee giveaway of excitement and glamour? Hurry! You only have four days left!