Guest Post: A Wild Boar Helped Me Score ⁰

If yesterday’s post was any indication, I am in serious need of a vacation.

So, while soaking up the sunshine in San Diego, I’m also taking a bit of a blog vacation — which means you get to hear from a few of my fabulous internet friends!

Today’s post comes from Jayme, a ‘Sota reader who lives not too far from my old stomping grounds in Upstate New York. I was lucky enough to meet Jayme last month at Camp Do More, where she made me feel like a total celebrity when she recognized me during registration. It was kind of the most awesome thing ever.

Even more awesome? Going to lunch with Jayme. We gabbed for a good two hours, and I’m so glad to have her as a new friend!

I’m also glad to have her as a guest poster as she is downright hilarious.

Without further ado, Jayme.

And Sweet Pea.

A wild boar.

Yes, I’m 100% serious.

A Wild Boar Helped Me Score

Cute baby animals help dudes score. That’s according to former-player Tim O’Connor (aka “Hubs”).

The best kind of baby animals are exotic, like koalas. That’s how you score with exotic girls. Puppies help you hook up with the girl next door. Baby humans draw virtually every type. Kitties, well, chances are a dude with a kitty is perfectly content hanging out at home by himself.

However, Hubs was looking for a special kind of girl, which is why he decided to kidnap a baby wild boar from Georgia while on a fishing excursion.

True, he probably saved the piglet from eventual poaching by “bad-ass” hunters who pays thousands of dollars to say they killed one of thousands of boars on a tiny hunting island, but I digress. Hubs dreamed of the chicks he would lure to his house while crossing state lines with his new wild boar piglet, Sweet Pea.

Just as he imagined, a 2:45am offer of “Wanna come see my pet pig?” worked 60% of the time, every time in getting a girl to drive from downtown Binghamton to Endicott, which, if you’re from Binghamton, you know that the 10 minute drive to Endicott is always too far.

How was I lucky enough to end up a co-exotic-animal-owner? Let’s just say it’s NOT because I’m willing to actually get my Kmart cowboy boots dirty.

By the time I entered the 100-year-old farmhouse with boudoir-red carpeting that was Hubs’ bachelor pad, Sweet Pea had grown to 500+ pounds and def not tiny or cute enough to lure me in. Fortunately Hubs is charming.

Hubs as Mr. T last Halloween – he did it for the kids.

In an attempt to bond with our pet, I entered her arena for playtime. Ready to get muddy, I tried to pet her.

And she squealed. Loud.

Excited loud.

She thought I was food.

I forgot to mention that Hubs fed Sweet Pea a diet consisting almost exclusively of corn and deer guts. I realized that my joking suggestion of making some extra money by letting local mobsters dispose of bodies in her fenced area was something only too possible.

The blood drained from my face while she attempted to buck me off of my feet and I did the only thing I could: I cried. I may have peed a little.

Tim: Jump over the fence!

Me: WHAT FENCE?!

Tim: The one 10 feet in front of you that you originally hopped over!

Me: IS SHE GOING TO EAT ME?!

Tim: <silence>

He eventually got her attention and I climbed over the fence. He did what I would’ve done in the situation: he laughed at me for almost peeing myself. Sweet Pea: 1, Blubbering Wuss: 0

Game-on Sweet Pea.

Tim had to put her down months later because she was too big to contain. During dinner that night, he told me that he played with her and fed her apples before doing the deed. I burst into tears right there in Taco Bell.

She was our pet. Like any family member, we quarreled but I loved her. I decided not to partake in Sweet-Pea-bacon, because, well, it would be creepy to eat your pet. Especially since I owed meeting Tim to her: See, promises of a “wild boar ride” lured my friend to Tim’s house a few years before I came into the picture. Had he not made-out in the barn with my friend, I never would’ve met him in the future.

Come on, I’m not blind to the fact that Hubs is a stud.

And meeting the types of women a wild boar attracted helped him appreciate the fabulousness that is me.

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A special Thank You to Katrina for letting me guest post on her blog! We had our first date at Camp Do More, and I want her to know that I hope it was as amazing for her as it was for me