Prepare for the most awesome giveaway in the history of blog giveaways.
Okay…perhaps I’m exaggerating just a tiny bit. But, this freebie is still pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.
Lately, I’ve been blogging a lot about the new man in my life.
At least I’m assuming this guy is a male. I Googled it, just to make sure and was delighted to find step-by-step instructions for how to distinguish a female caribou from a male caribou on ehow.com. There were more steps than I anticipated, but the difficulty was ranked as easy, so I decided to dive right in.
Here’s what they gave me:
1. Look at the size of the antlers to distinguish a female caribou from a male caribou. Both sexes have antlers, but the male’s are larger. His can grow up to three feet long. A female’s antlers only grow to be about 20 inches long.
Hmmm….kind of hard to tell from the picture, but it looks like my caribou could just be a REALLY butch female?
2. Compare the sizes of the caribou you see. As with other species, male caribou are larger in size than the females. A male can grow to weigh nearly 700 pounds, and stand 5 feet tall at his shoulders. A female caribou only grows to be 200 to 300 pounds.
Again…nearly impossible to tell from a photograph. And my mother always told me it was rude to guess someones weight. The LAST thing I want to do is offend a caribou who is capable of impaling me with their non-gender-specific antlers.
3. Check the sex organs of the caribou to tell the difference between the sexes.
Ummmm….not gonna happen.
P.S. I deleted three sentences of this step for censorship purposes. This is a family blog, after all.
Okay…maybe not a family blog. But it’s definitely not a blog for people who want to read about caribou lady bits.
4. See two caribou fighting in the fall, and you can be sure they’re males. During mating season, males fight over female caribou.
It’s not fall for another seven months, which means the only way we’ll be seeing this caribou fight is if I agitate it by inaccurately guessing it’s weight, or invading its personal space to determine what body parts are under its tail. Again, not going to happen.
5. See a caribou with a calf, and you can be sure the former is a female.
Wait a second. Caribou’s like to hang out with baby cows?
So, yeah. Thanks for nothing, ehow.com.
Although, the gender of this caribou doesn’t really matter at all. I’m not in love with an actual Caribou. No, that would be positively disgusting.
Although wasn’t the guy from Harry Potter in a play about that or something?
So no. I’m not in love with an actual caribou. Just their coffee.
I was terrified to move to a town with no Starbucks, but Caribou has eased my fears and quite possibly won my allegiance.
Plus, an ambiguously gay caribou would totally win in a fight against a green mermaid — even if she is wearing that sharp, pointy crown.
I spent this morning working from my favorite Caribou Coffee in Small Town so Scott and I could sign the lease on our new place after work. And yes, we have finally found a place! I’ll update you on that tomorrow.
But back to the coffee shop. It may have been my most successful visit to date, and I think it’s finally safe to say that I’ve wormed my way into the heart of Mary the Barista.
How do I love this little midwestern coffee shop? Let me count the ways.
1. They have fat-free whipped cream.
Did you read that? FAT-FREE WHIPPED CREAM. Can we all just take a moment to reflect on what a beautiful thing this is? There were more days than I’d like to admit to where it was all I could do not to order a venti cup of whipped cream on my morning Starbucks run. Now, I can order one and it will be fat-free!
Also, I suspect the people of Minnesota will be way less judgemental when I order a large cup of whipped cream than all the healthy Seattle folk who prefer their lattes with organic soy milk.
2. They have trivia.
Trivia! That’s almost better than fat-free whipped cream. And, if you answer the question correctly, you get ten cents off your order. Plus, because Mary the barista is awesome, I’m allowed to cheat and use my iPhone. Today I didn’t even need to cheat. I simply had to spend about two minutes using my fingers to count how many dots are on a pair of dice. But Mary waited. Because she’s awesome and patient.
3. That’s about it.
But everyone knows you need to have at least three items to constitute a list. So, I suppose I can mention that if you bring your own mug, you get an additional fifty cents off your beverage order. I think Starbucks also does this–it was actually my reasoning for buying this mug back in Seattle.
I’d better not press my luck. Wouldn’t want to push Mary to the point of joining the Caribou mom gang for my shanking in the parking lot.
So, it looks like it’s time for me to buy a new mug from Caribou. I’m leaning towards this set.
My latte will just taste so much better when sipped out of a mustache cup, don’t you think?
Although this little guy looks mighty tempting as well.
Yes, it’s a shot glass.
Although their website has dubbed it a “Cold Beverage Sampling Glass”.
But I still say it’s a shot glass.
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I strutted up to the register, slapped this puppy down on the counter and demanded a single shot of sugar-free vanilla syrup?
Naturally, I would throw it back in a single gulp before proclaiming “Ooooh. That buuurrrns.”
Yeah, you’re right. I’m totally asking for that parking lot mom shanking.
But never mind my coffee cup indecisiveness. You clicked on this link for free coffee, and I’m here to buy it for you.
Why the random act of kindness?
Because I’m a generous person who genuinely cares about her readers.
And possibly because I want to prove to my Seattle friends that Caribou Coffee really is legit.
But mostly because I’m trying to grow this little blog of mine.
Here’s how things are going to work.
1. Find your favorite blog post (any post but this one) and share it on Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest.
2. Leave a comment on this post telling me which post you chose and where you posted it.
3. The contest runs until Tuesday, February 28, 8:00PM EST, at which point I’ll use a random comment selector to pick the winner.
Bam. That’s three things. Officially a list.
The winner will receive a pound of Caribou Coffee beans shipped directly to their home courtesy of yours truly.
You’ll also rise to fame and glory by being featured on this blog. Unless you don’t want to, you know, be associated with someone who accidentally goes naked in public or develops a nasty case of fungus on her face.
But really, I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to be affiliated with that.
Make sure you don’t miss this next contest where I give away…Jolie!
Just kidding! Seriously, though — sign up for email notifications and get a heads up on all future giveaways. Pssttt! This subscription link works now. Pinky promise.