I’m pretty doggone excited, you guys.
I’ve painted my nails, gussied up my hair, doused myself in the fanciest of perfumes, and applied more makeup than a drag queen at gay bingo night.
In other words, I’m going on a date.
A girl date!
That’s right–after three endless months of flying solo in Small Town, I’m finally going out with some friends! Technically it’s only one friend as I haven’t met the other girl yet…but I’m sure we’ll be instant BFFs, don’t you think?
Come one you guys…don’t you think?
As in people who sweat, not wooly articles of clothing.
I’m a little bit nervous about the date. I mean…I’ve gone so long without making friends in Minnesota, and I really don’t want to screw up such a golden opportunity. Thankfully, I have this thing called the internet to help keep me from turning tonight’s dinner into a Hurricane Katrina-style disaster. After a quick Google search, I found these 8 rules for a flawless first date.
Thank you, world-wide web.
Note: I’ve changed “him” and “he” to “her” and “she” as this is a girl’s night out and not, you know, an inappropriate dinner with a man who isn’t my husband or something.
Rule 1: Do not go out on the same night that she calls and asks you out.
Duly noted. We actually made plans two days ago, so I’m covered. Plus, she didn’t call me–she asked me at the gym. I must have lured her in with my enticing mascara.
Rule 2: Do not hang on every word she says.
Does this mean I can’t get all sweaty and stare creepily at her like in the photo above?
Rule 3: Do not be a conversation hog.
This could be a problem.
Rule 4: Stay away from “ex” talk.
So, you’re saying I can’t even talk smack about the girl who thought it would be “cute” to throw up on my favorite sweatshirt and then go sleep in my bed?
(I’m talking to you, Jolie.)
Rule 5: Resist asking about her previous relationships.
But what if she also has a vomiting dog that needs to be gossiped about? Or perhaps a cat with an affinity for peeing on Barbie dolls?
(I’m talking to you, “Nike”. I know you died of a tragic case of worms in 1994, but I’m still pissed off that Dad had to shave the beautiful blonde hair off all my Barbies.)
Rule 6: Do not get drunk and dance on her lap.
I’ve already learned this lesson the hard way. Trust me.
Also…I think this technically means that getting drunk and dancing on the table is okay, right?
Rule 7: Let her be the one to suggest you get together again.
This rule is stupid. I’m vetoing it.
Also, I still think a drunken lap dance might be a tiny bit charming.
Rule 8: Do not ask her to come to your home after the date.
Even if I’ve made brownies?
We’ll see if these rules end up steering me in the right direction or not. I’m crossing my fingers that by this time tomorrow, I’ll be raving all about my two new gal pals and how we’re planning a trip to the day spa or something. (Maybe even the naked spa if things go really well?)
Although truly, I’ll consider the night a success so long as I can avoid drinking too much wine and telling stories about my dad’s tooth collection before breaking into tears as I recount the night I first discovered stretch marks on my hips.
Yeah…that actually happened.
This is why I need the internet to tell me how to go on girl dates.