One of my favorite perks offered by my employer is a healthy living program that gives employees the opportunity to receive a massive discount on health benefits. We simply fill out a detailed medical questionnaire, and attend a free on-site exam where they draw blood, check vitals and gather height and weight information. If you score high enough, you qualify for a healthy living discount that applies directly to your benefits.
Last year I somehow managed to score 100% on the health scale and saved $480 on my insurance.
It was awesome.
This year proved to be more of a challenge as I’m working half-way across the country, and was unable to attend the on-site screening.
Luckily, a home health nurse was sent directly to my condo (free of charge) to perform exam in the comfort of my living room.
Unluckily, she wasn’t able to pencil me in until noon.
This was a problem as I was required to fast until the exam was complete.
Fast as in no food, and perhaps even worse, no coffee.
I can’t tell you how many times I walked into the kitchen to fix something to eat before remembering it was forbidden until after the lunch break appointment.
I can however tell you that my extreme hunger and lack of caffeine caused me to hallucinate.
At least I’m assuming that’s why the Blendtec was talking to me.
That’s right…as if I didn’t already hate the stupid $400 blender enough, it actually had the audacity to taunt me in my time of need.
Our exchange went a little something like this:
“Oh, heeeeyyyy girl! You’re looking hungry today. I think you could use a smoothie.”
(Note: For some reason, the Blendtec has the exact same voice as Jerry Seinfeld. It’s mildly frightening and majorly annoying.)
“Shut up, Blendtec.”
“Rawr! Somebody’s feeling catty today, huh? I’m just saying…you look like you could use a bit of food, and there’s at least twenty-five pounds of frozen fruit in the freezer just waiting to be blended.”
“I can’t eat anything for another hour, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want a smoothie.”
“Alright, alright! Sorry I asked. How about a cookie?”
“A cookie. Chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, peanut butter…I’m great at mixing up the batter, you know.”
“Now you’re just taunting me. And even if I did want cookies–which I don’t–I’d use my Kitchenaid mixer…not you.”
“Just admit it. You want the cookies.”
“No I don’t.”
“Yes you do.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Yes you do yes you do yes you do!!”
“I DO NOT WANT THE COOKIES!!!”
“Alright…well I’m also great for making ice cream, soup, fresh bread, and pretty much half of the items in the Betty Crocker cookbook.”
“Listen…I don’t know how to put this any other way. I’m just not interested, Blendtec.”
“Fine…be that way. But did you know I also make dog treats? I know Jolie ran out of food yesterday.”
“I know, but I’m going into town tonight anyway to…hey wait…how did you know that?”
“I’m a $400 blender — I know everything. Also? If you’d whipped up some tasty dog biscuits with my assistance instead of feeding her that nasty leftover chicken, she probably wouldn’t have vomited all over your new memory foam bath mat.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Or sharted in your entryway.”
“She sharted in the entryway?!?”
“Go see for yourself.”
“Oh my gosh. She totally sharted in the entryway.”
“Told you. Hey…how about that smoothie?”
“SHUT UP, BLENDTEC!!!”
“You know…I did cost $400. It wouldn’t hurt you to speak to me with a little respect.”
“YOU ARE A BLENDER! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M EVEN SPEAKING TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!”
“Actually, you’re not speaking. You’re yelling. And it’s okay…I know it’s just because you’re jealous.”
“Me? Jealous? Of a blender?”
“Obviously you’re upset by the fact that you’re husband loves me more than you.”
“Alright…if you’re not careful, I’m getting the hammer. I’ve been hanging pictures up all week, it just conveniently happens to be laying right over there….see?”
“No you won’t. You don’t have the balls to destroy me. Just like you didn’t have the balls to let me assist you in blending Scott’s iPhone. Which, by the way, is yet another example of an electronic item he happens to care about more than you.”
At this point, I ran for the hammer.
Unfortunately, the nurse showed up before I could show the Blendtec what Hurricane Katrina is really made of.
She started the exam, and noted that for some reason, my blood pressure was a bit on the high side. Perhaps I was feeling stressed or upset about something?
I explained that I had just had an argument with someone and left it at that. Let’s just say if I don’t get my discount this year because of my blood pressure, the hammer is coming back out.
I’ve got to admit I was a tad bit irritated that I had to fast until noon while waiting for the visiting nurse to show up. I may have even acted slightly cranky during the exam.
But then, just as I was about to roll my eyes while her back was turned, she spotted a small piece of a plastic tag on the floor of my kitchen.
Let’s just say her response made the entire morning of hunger-induced hallucinations totally worth it.
Told you it was good.
Although…if she managed to notice the itsy-bitsy tag in the corner of my kitchen floor, chances are she probably picked up on the giant pile of chihuahua diarrhea in the entry way waiting to greet her when she walked in.
I wish I was joking.
But really…can you blame me? I hadn’t had time to clean the carpet yet as I was busy doing way more important things.
You know…like getting into a knock-down, drag-out hammer fight with my husband’s blender.
Here’s hoping the insurance discount is based on physical and not mental health.
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