“What? No you don’t!” she quickly assured me.
“Chico’s?” I ventured.
“Alright,” she conceded, “Maybe Chico’s.”
It was true. The perfect storm of unforseen circumstances had led me to spend the last day of my vacation clad in an ensemble suited for an elegantly aging baby boomer. While Chico’s and Coldwater Creek are perfectly nice retailers with lots of beautiful pieces, at age 28 I’m several years away from their target demographic.
So how exactly did I age four decades with a single outfit? Allow me to break it down for you…
1. Relaxed Fisherman’s Sweater (in a tasteful shade of cream, naturally)*
There’s nothing I love more than a comfy, casual, loose-fitting sweater. When paired with some dark skinny jeans and beautiful leather boots, it screams ‘effortless chic.’
Unfortunately, when paired with relaxed linen beach pants and straw hat, it instead screams ‘Howard, did you remember to pack the Werther’s Originals?’
*To my credit, I had to wear this as it was too bulky to fit into my bursting-at-the-seams carryon.
2. Linen Beach Pants
I wore these on the plane for two reasons:
- They were the only pants I had other than a pair of white jeans that had fallen victim to some bloody mary mix.
- They seemed so comfy! Surely it would be like flying in a fabulous pair of pajamas.
Turns out, it was like flying in a pair of pajamas that were about six inches too long. These poor, innocent pants mopped the floors of several airport bathrooms, an In-N-Out Burger, even a questionable gas station. The bottom two inches are currently black and covered in at least fourteen different urine samples.
I picked them up at Diane’s Beachwear not ten minutes after arriving in LA. They were a complete impulse buy, but I had to have them! I mean…there were batik-printed skulls on them! Rest assured than when paired with a skimpy black tank and pair of heels–and free of airport bathroom urine–they’ll much more age appropriate.
3. Straw Cloche Hat
Another item that was too delicate to fit into my luggage. If you’re going to embrace the aging Snowbird look, might as well go all out, right?
4. Marc Jacobs Satchel
This was easily my most ridiculous purchase of the trip. I had grown weary of lugging a heavy tote bag that wasn’t long enough to wear over my shoulder, and declared I would not leave Los Angeles without a practical–yet ever so stylish–crossbody satchel.
After four hours of perusing every store in Santa Barbara for the perfect bag, I grew frustrated. And possibly delirious. When we passed Saks 5th Avenue for the third time I walked in, made a beeline for the bag section, spotted this beauty and yelled “I’ll take it!” It was spontaneous, exhilarating, and took all of three minutes. Ironically, it’s probably one of the most practical investments I’ve made in a long time.
I’m in love with the bag and delighted at how it effortlessly coordinates with my entire wardrobe. Unfortunately, something about the satchel-sweater-linen pants combo says ‘Dinner’s at 5:30? Why so late?’
5. HGTV Magazine
Cosmo for the golden years!
6. Old dude checking me out
Alright…maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part. But can you blame me? If I’m going to spend a day looking like I’m twice my age, I might as well get a Sugar Daddy out of the deal!
Not pictured: Airborne
Because nothing says “I’m this close to collecting my Social Security!” quite like popping three (yes, three) immune-boosting tablets in one flight.
There you have it. How to achieve ‘Senior Chic’ with just a few key pieces. It’s frighteningly easy, and as a bonus, you’ll finally be able to take advantage of the 65+ menu at Denny’s. Three dollar waffles? Talk about a win-win!