Entertainment

Girls Weekend ⁴

It wasn’t easy, but I somehow managed to drag myself from the 70 degree Washington weather back to the snow-covered prairies of ‘Sota. I’m always sad to leave Seattle, yet knowing these two are waiting patiently back home makes returning to the Midwest a little bit easier.

One of the many “biscuit pics” Scott sent me when I inquired as to how he was spending his day.

When I asked Scott if he had any plans to get out of bed and actually accomplish anything that day, his response was brief, yet purposeful.

“Can’t. Too busy building this snuggle fort.”

I decided it best to leave Scott and Jolie alone so they might get all the excess snuggling out of their systems while I was away. As someone who spent the week Scott was gone watching countless hours of reality television and eating nothing but canned soup, I’m really in no place to judge. Besides, he would eventually get hungry and rise from bed to eat steak and watch football or something, right?

(Isn’t that what men do while their wives are away? Eat steak and watch football?)

(Scott just reminded me football season ended a few months ago.)

(But it’s still totally steak season, right?)

All inaccurate sports references aside, you get the idea. I knew Scott would eventually come up for air. And when he did, he’d fill his time with all the macho activities he didn’t have the opportunity to do while I was home nagging him to organize his sweatpants drawer.

Apparently, I thought wrong.

Very wrong.

While in the midst of a friend’s housewarming party, I received the following text.

Huh?

Naturally some additional explanation was necessary. I instantly responded with a very confused “Say what????”

*Whatch means Whatcha…obviously.

In case the irony of this situation has somehow evaded you, allow me to spell it out.

When left home alone for an entire weekend of bachelor shenanigans, Scott decided to spend it cuddling on the couch with a chihuahua while watching Girls on HBO.

(Judging by the abundance of pastries I returned home to, I suspect there was also some baking involved. No steak…but plenty of baking.)

While slightly jealous that Scott had finished Season 2 of Girls without me, the housewarming party was still far more exciting. I tossed the phone in my purse and got back to the very important business of sipping Chelada with my favorite Seattle peeps.

A few hours later, I noticed several missed texts from Scott on my iPhone.

Finally, I responded.

Scott’s right. He’s totally an Adam.

If Adam sat around with a purse dog watching girly TV shows all weekend, that is.

So basically, he’s an Elijah.

Liked this? Then try these:

Look mom, no makeup!

Sweatshirts are Sexy

A quarter of a million dollars

Fashionably Late ³

The day after the Academy Awards feels a lot like the day after your birthday. You’ve been waiting and waiting for so long, only for all of the glamour and excitement to whiz by in a ridiculously expensive, champagne-fueled blur. Is it strange that I feel mildly depressed once the Oscars have come to a close? Maybe it’s the knowledge that I have to wait another 364 days for the ultimate red carpet, perhaps it’s realizing I’ll never make to the best (or even worst) dressed list, or maybe I’m just devastated that there will be no more Seth McFarlane boob songs.

Whatever the case may be, I can’t help but feel a little bit empty knowing it all came and went so quickly. My only glimmer of hope? Realizing that it’s completely acceptable to be overly critical of our favorite A-lister’s fashion choices for at least another five days. The hackers may have kept me a little behind schedule…but today I’m out in full force, ready to talk hemlines, hairdos and haute couture.

(Plus, being the first blogger to post about red carpet fashion is akin to Jessica Chastain making the mistake of showing up to the red carpet early on Sunday. The very first rule of fabulousness is being fashionably late, right?)

My Absolute Favorites

Jennifer Hudson in Roberto Cavalli

Jennifer is having such a moment right now. Her transformation over the past few years has been nothing short of amazing. The fit, color and sparkle of this gown are so gorgeous. I love her sleek hair and thick bangs. (If only she had chosen something like this when she actually won her Oscar. I don’t even want to think about that strange metallic jacket she donned in 2007.)

Zoe Saldana in Alexis Mabille

This may have been my favorite dress of the night. I love that Zoe takes risks and chooses unique and interesting pieces. The detailing? The belt? The layered ombre hemline? Sublime. (And let’s not forget her rocking figure.) I probably should be jealous, but instead I just want to do a celebratory cart-wheel.

Jane Fonda in Versace

You guys. This woman is seventy-five years old. She should be in a retirement home! Instead, she’s trotting around in canary yellow Versace making the rest of us look bad. I mean…she clearly has way less cellulite and wrinkles than my sorry 28-year-old self. (I think I just got inspired to pop in an old workout VHS and start doing some leg lifts.)

Charlize Theron in Dior Haute Couture

I think Charlize might just be the most beautiful woman on the planet. I still can’t figure out how they made her so ugly in Monster. This gown is sheer perfection on her — it kind of makes me want to hack all of my hair off and grow seven inches taller. (Unfortunately, I would look less like Charlize and more like Anne Hatthaway’s character in Les Mis…only chubbier and with sparser eyebrows.)

Giuliana Ranci in Rafael Cennamo

This dress is so modern and sculptural….it looked even better on live TV. I also love that Giuliana had the balls to chop all her hair off the morning of the Oscars. (Let’s be honest…her Kardashian-esque extensions were getting a little ridiculous.) Truly, my only criticism is that homegirl needs to eat a sandwich.

Stuff I really liked

Halle Berry in Elie Saab

I love the structure and sleekness of this. It pairs beautifully with her short hair and makes me want to steal her body and attach my head to it. (If such a thing is actually possible.) She looks like a diva…in a good way.

Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji

Stunning and elegant. She looks as if she’s been wrapped in a delicate, ethereal cloud. (I can’t even imagine her making that poop pie in The Help because this dress is so darn classy.) I wish Adele would have worn something similar.

Jessica Chastain in Armani Prive

Beautiful. The color and fit are flawless. Her hair is dreamy and she really does look like Jessica Rabbit. That being said, I feel like everyone is doing the “Old Hollywood Glamour” thing and I would have loved to see her in something more risky.

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture

I’ve got to admit…when I first saw her arrive, I wasn’t a fan. After seeing a shot of her from the waist up, I may or may not have uttered the words, “She looks like a middle-aged bride!”

And then I saw the shape of the entire dress, which was kind of amazing. I also love her backwards necklace and the fact that she fell. Who doesn’t love a girl who falls during the biggest moment of her life and then just shakes it off? While I do prefer her hair darker, the fact that she biffed it on the stairs and then made a joke about it totally makes up for that.

Naomi Watts in Armani Prive

I call this “post-modern cleavage”, and am obsessed with how modern and geometric it is. So different from what the other actresses chose, and I applaud that.

Michelle Obama in Naeem Khan

FLOTUS, you never cease to amaze me. I love your dress, your arms, your bangs…and most importantly, your loyalty to J. Crew.

I also love that you not only wore the dress to present the Oscar but also to attend the governor’s dinner that evening. You could have changed…but you are low-maintenance and that’s why we adore you. (On a semi-related note…did you know her dress sparked a bit of controversy in Iran?)

Catherine Zeta Jones in Zuhair Murad

Gold and sparkly. Me likey.

Quvenzhane Wallis in Armani Junior

Two words: dog purse.

(I also love her sassy attitude. She’s like the miniature version of Tyra Banks except way less annoying, and with a much more proportionate forehead.)

Stacy Kiebler in Naeem Khan

Flapper chic. I’m not sure which is better…the dress or the man! Although George could use a shave and some Just for Men gel. Sorry…somebody had to say it.

(Side note: I couldn’t remember what Stacey was famous for–other than dating George–so I Googled her. Did you know that prior to her DWTS days she was a professional wrestler for the WWE?!)

Stuff that was “meh”

Adele in Jenny Packham

Adele…this is the same thing you always wear. You are a beautiful girl and I just want to see your arms!!

Side note: can we talk about how fabulous her hair was when she took it down for the performance?? If I had hair like that I would just walk around naked so nothing distracted from it. (After it had grown long and voluminous enough to function as “full-coverage hair clothing”, that is.)

Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta

Elegant and pretty…but I feel like she always does something like this. Would have loved to have seen it in a jewel tone.

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu

Pretty color and nice detailing, but it kind of looks like she’s going to the Hollywood prom.

Nicole Kidman in L-Wren Scott

I feel as if I’ve become desensitized to the perfection that is Nicole Kidman. She looks absolutely flawless…but I’m not crazy about the neckline and the swirls are a little juvenile. (Keep in mind this is coming from someone with greasy hair and blackberry seeds in her teeth who is currently wearing a coffee-stained sweater.)

Stuff that we should probably pretend never happened

Anne Hatthaway in Prada

How many times do we have to tell you, Anne? Your “headlights” are not a trend!!!

Kelly Rowland in Donna Karan Atelier

I think my friend Kayla put it best when she asked why T-Boz had been invited to the Academy Awards.

Nancy O’Dell in Mark Zunino

She should just quit her hosting job and join The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast, already.

Maria Menounos in Romona Keveza

Miss Pepto Bismol 2013

Amanda Seyfried in Alexander McQueen

A lot of people loved this dress, but I’ve come to expect more from Amanda. The color and pattern feel too old for her, and the neckline paired with her up-do screams 2001 suburban mall fashion show.

Salma Hayek in Elie Saab

While I loved the architectural neckline, this look doesn’t work on her at all. It hides her best assets, makes her look 3 feet tall…and the hair is nothing short of disastrous.

(Again…keep in mind that this is coming from a girl who hasn’t showered in two days and is contemplating eating a muffin the size of her face for dinner.)

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter

I have no idea who they’re wearing, but they look a cold mess.

(Similar to a hot mess…just more morbid.)

I would expect nothing less of Tim and Helena, and truly…I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

Jolie Taylor in knock-off Marchesa from Wal-Mart

Get it together, Jolie. Seriously…who stops to eat a Greenie while walking the carpet?

*****

Photos from E! Online and Us Weekly

Liked this? Then try these:

Giveaway! Best Book Ever

Doug Benson is my workout muse

Curse you, Whirley-Pop!

The Dancing Interpreter ⁴

If you follow the blog on Facebook, you’re probably aware that last night, ‘Sota was hacked.

Again.

Around 11:00pm, I received an extremely upsetting email informing me my site had been suspended because of malware. I don’t exactly understand what the malware was doing, but I sincerely hope visiting this blog didn’t give your computer digital HPV. While I certainly can’t offer your computer a miracle cure, I can at the very least try to lessen the blow and lift your laptop’s spirits with this photo of me, driving a minivan.

Scott made me pose for this photo. Mark my words, this is the ONLY time I will ever drive a minivan. (I hope.)

I checked with the folks at my hosting company, and they’ve assured me the malware was intended to wreak havoc on their servers, not harm anyone who visited the site. So…I don’t think my blog gave your machine any viruses. Although life totally goes on after HPV. Just ask Pamela Anderson!

Once again, I want to give credit to BlueHost.com for being the most amazing hosting platform I could ask for. If you run a custom WordPress site, they are the people to go with. Their team of technical support professionals helped me identify the problem, and walked me through the process of removing the “bad stuff”. They were able to restore my site as soon as the malware had been destroyed, without losing any of my data. They even helped me install Site Lock so that ‘Sota will protected from future pesky hackers. (Check out my sweet new security badge in the “Hackers can suck it” section on the right!)

After all things on the blog front had been restored, the first thing that entered my mind was how I could use today’s post as a weapon against the hackers. Perhaps a threatening picture of me posing with a steak knife? A dramatically written letter explaining how I was training Jolie to sniff them out and pee on them were they ever to touch my site again?

And then I realized I’m above all that.

(Alright…maybe not totally above it. But I really am trying to be a nicer person.)

In the spirit of kindness, I’m choosing not to retaliate. Instead, I’m sending these malicious web gangsters my very own peace-offering in the form of an interpreter dance video.

No, not interpretive dance. Interpreter dance.

At this month’s Lady Gaga concert, Kayla and I were lucky enough to be seated directly in front of a dancing sign language interpreter. Truly, he might have been even better than Gaga. This video doesn’t even begin to do him justice, but can at least provide you with a small glimpse of his overwhelming rhythm, sincere passion, and general state of fabulousness.

Truth be told, this man’s dance moves were so impressive in person, it took both Kayla and I a good thirty minutes to realize he was actually signing. We initially assumed he was simply a security guard who just couldn’t resist surrendering to the hypnotizing beats of Mother Monster.

(Unfortunately, I think this may have been a result of too many martinis. As I watch the video now, it’s pretty much instantly clear he’s an interpreter.)

Regardless, I hope this video serves as message of peace and forgiveness to the Eastern European hacker(s) who for some strange reason, seem to have it out for me. Evil criminals of the interweb, I hope this heartfelt expression of dance moves you to never mess with my blog again.

(And if you do, I might just hire this interpreter to fly to Bulgaria and engage you in an impromptu dance attack. Something tells me you’re no match for his sassy jazz hands.)

Liked this? Then try these:

Roll it down or gulp it down

Top 10 random photos on my iPhone

A lesson from the naked spa

Hacked by the Grammys? ¹¹

Late last night, my good friend Heather informed me something was wrong with the blog. My stomach dropped when I opened the site and saw this flashing across the screen.

‘Sota had been hacked! And hacking is never sexy.

A quick chat with a tech support guy at BlueHost.com confirmed my worst fears to be true. Instantly, an intense sense of panic set in. What if the files couldn’t be recovered? What if two years of work was completely lost? What if the hacker had somehow obtained my credit card information and purchased $13,000 worth of leather pants with my AMEX?

Fortunately, Brock at BlueHost was able to restore the entire blog in a mere twenty minutes. (He also assured me no leather pants had been purchased on my behalf.)

I suppose I should be flattered that someone took the time to break into ‘Sota…but instead I’m experiencing a general feeling of pissed-off-edness. Why would someone target me? And what can I do to stop it from happening again? The entire debacle was upsetting and overwhelming–but also a much-needed dose of reality. I’m going to make some security updates and take several additional precautions to ensure the blog doesn’t get taken over by this “Postingan Hanya Di Halaman Blog” again anytime soon.

Now I just need to figure out exactly what those precautions are. Any tips, fellow blog friends?

I wish there was some way to determine who the hacker was…you know, so I could train Jolie to sniff them out and then pee on them. That would show them. Yet as much as I yearn for sweet dog pee revenge, tracking down hackers is apparently a complete waste of time, not to mention virtually impossible.

Still…I have my suspicions.

Initially, I assumed the hacker-at-large to be Sporty Spice. Surely, she was crabby with me for calling out her snaggle tooth in yesterday’s post, and wanted revenge. But female-on-female hacking is a clear violation of the Spice Girl’s girl power code. Even snaggle tooth wouldn’t stoop that low. I found myself back at square one.

Then, about halfway through my fourth cup of coffee, it hit me like a ton of Ryan Seacrest’s hair products. A musical celebrity must have attempted to take down ‘Sota before I could post a nasty review of their Grammy red carpet look. Of course! I don’t know why didn’t I think of it sooner! Clearly, some ill-dressed A-lister had hired a hacker to ensure I keep my mouth shut…I mean, it’s not as if Grammy-nominated artists have anything better to do with their time. Sometimes, celebrities can be so juvenile, you guys.

Well guess what, Hollywood?

It didn’t work.

(This is my way of saying that I’m turning a hacking post into a Grammy red carpet review. You’re welcome.)

Rihanna in Alaia

She looks breathtaking. The color is sublime, and she has mermaid hair, which is always a bonus. I don’t think Ri-Ri hacked me…but I wouldn’t put it past her obviously defiant “nips”. (You might not be able to see them in the above photograph, but trust me, they were out on parade Sunday night. And it appeared to be a very cold parade.)

Kelly Rowland in Georges Chakra

Even if Kells did hack my blog, I’d totally forgive her on account of this dress being so amazing. Better watch out, Beyoncé!

Adele in Valentino

She looks like an ottoman. Possibly a coin purse. If Adele’s crazy enough to wear this to the Grammys, I certainly wouldn’t put buying $13,000 of leather pants past her.

Beyoncé in Osman

Apparently arm slits are the new leg slits? I think I like this, but I’m not sure. And I know Beyoncé didn’t hack my blog…the “takeover” wasn’t nearly sparkly enough.

Kimbra in Jaime Lee Major

I absolutely adore this. It’s perfect for the Grammys, competitive figure skating, or just being a magical fairy. (And magical fairy’s don’t know how to hack. I checked.)

Natasha Bedingfield in Jackie Fraser-Swans

Natasha is having such a moment in this dress. Truly, she’s never looked better. (Although she does have a guilty ‘I just hacked a blog’ look on her face. Just saying.)

Jennifer Lopez in Anthony Vaccarello

Everyone’s accusing J-Lo of mimicking Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Infamous Oscar leg slit. I’m just accusing her of taking down my website. (Although J-Lo is far superior to Angie as far as I’m concerned.)

Taylor Swift in J. Mendel

A few years ago, I was talking to a customer service agent at my bank in regards to a problem with my account. She asked for my last name, and let out a gasp the instant I responded with “Taylor”. “Ohmyfreakinggosh….are you related to Taylor Swift?” she asked. Naturally, I grew concerned as this was the woman who was logging into my bank account and assisting me with a highly delicate transaction.

(This story is completely unrelated to the rest of this post, but I felt it was worth sharing.)

(Also? Love the dress. Wish I didn’t, but I totally do.)

Katy Perry in Gucci

Do you think Katy’s…um…girls may have been responsible for shutting down my site? Because let’s be honest…those things have a mind of their own in this get-up. (Don’t get me wrong, though…I think Katy looks fabulous.)

Carrie Underwood in Robert0 Cavalli

Carrie is always gorgeous. But just once, I wish she would dress for the red carpet, as opposed to the Miss America pageant.

Or possibly this Miss Blog Hacker pageant….?

Carly Rae Jepsen in Roberto Cavalli

Gah! No! She’s such a pretty girl, but this look is tired and drab…it’s as if she was up all night breaking someone’s website or something!

Solange Knowles in Ralph & Russo Couture

Poor Solange…living in the shadow of Beyoncé’s spotlight certainly can’t be easy. Props to her for outshining big sis at this year’s Grammy’s. The dress is gorgeous and can we please talk about those shoes?!? Unlike Mrs. Carter, Solange is rocking the natural hair, which I’m also kind of obsessed with.

Solange…please feel free to hack my blog anytime.

Florence Welch in Givenchy

This may have been my favorite look of the night. The photo truly doesn’t do it justice…she was stunning on television. Like an avant-garde ninja turtle, and I mean that in the best way possible. Also? She’s totally the hacker. I mean…if green sparkly spikes don’t say “evil computer geinus” I don’t know what does. Can’t you just picture her singing “Dog Days are Over” as she takes down ‘Sota, one line of code at a time?

(I’m also fairly certain she teamed up with Carly Rae to complete her wicked, blog-destroying scheme.)

I’m just glad their teamwork is limited to hacking. I think it’s safe to say these two would undoubtedly create the worst duet ever.

********

Images via E! Online and Us Weekly.