The day after the Academy Awards feels a lot like the day after your birthday. You’ve been waiting and waiting for so long, only for all of the glamour and excitement to whiz by in a ridiculously expensive, champagne-fueled blur. Is it strange that I feel mildly depressed once the Oscars have come to a close? Maybe it’s the knowledge that I have to wait another 364 days for the ultimate red carpet, perhaps it’s realizing I’ll never make to the best (or even worst) dressed list, or maybe I’m just devastated that there will be no more Seth McFarlane boob songs.
Whatever the case may be, I can’t help but feel a little bit empty knowing it all came and went so quickly. My only glimmer of hope? Realizing that it’s completely acceptable to be overly critical of our favorite A-lister’s fashion choices for at least another five days. The hackers may have kept me a little behind schedule…but today I’m out in full force, ready to talk hemlines, hairdos and haute couture.
(Plus, being the first blogger to post about red carpet fashion is akin to Jessica Chastain making the mistake of showing up to the red carpet early on Sunday. The very first rule of fabulousness is being fashionably late, right?)
My Absolute Favorites
Jennifer Hudson in Roberto Cavalli
Jennifer is having such a moment right now. Her transformation over the past few years has been nothing short of amazing. The fit, color and sparkle of this gown are so gorgeous. I love her sleek hair and thick bangs. (If only she had chosen something like this when she actually won her Oscar. I don’t even want to think about that strange metallic jacket she donned in 2007.)
Zoe Saldana in Alexis Mabille
This may have been my favorite dress of the night. I love that Zoe takes risks and chooses unique and interesting pieces. The detailing? The belt? The layered ombre hemline? Sublime. (And let’s not forget her rocking figure.) I probably should be jealous, but instead I just want to do a celebratory cart-wheel.
Jane Fonda in Versace
You guys. This woman is seventy-five years old. She should be in a retirement home! Instead, she’s trotting around in canary yellow Versace making the rest of us look bad. I mean…she clearly has way less cellulite and wrinkles than my sorry 28-year-old self. (I think I just got inspired to pop in an old workout VHS and start doing some leg lifts.)
Charlize Theron in Dior Haute Couture
I think Charlize might just be the most beautiful woman on the planet. I still can’t figure out how they made her so ugly in Monster. This gown is sheer perfection on her — it kind of makes me want to hack all of my hair off and grow seven inches taller. (Unfortunately, I would look less like Charlize and more like Anne Hatthaway’s character in Les Mis…only chubbier and with sparser eyebrows.)
Giuliana Ranci in Rafael Cennamo
This dress is so modern and sculptural….it looked even better on live TV. I also love that Giuliana had the balls to chop all her hair off the morning of the Oscars. (Let’s be honest…her Kardashian-esque extensions were getting a little ridiculous.) Truly, my only criticism is that homegirl needs to eat a sandwich.
Stuff I really liked
Halle Berry in Elie Saab
I love the structure and sleekness of this. It pairs beautifully with her short hair and makes me want to steal her body and attach my head to it. (If such a thing is actually possible.) She looks like a diva…in a good way.
Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji
Stunning and elegant. She looks as if she’s been wrapped in a delicate, ethereal cloud. (I can’t even imagine her making that poop pie in The Help because this dress is so darn classy.) I wish Adele would have worn something similar.
Jessica Chastain in Armani Prive
Beautiful. The color and fit are flawless. Her hair is dreamy and she really does look like Jessica Rabbit. That being said, I feel like everyone is doing the “Old Hollywood Glamour” thing and I would have loved to see her in something more risky.
Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture
I’ve got to admit…when I first saw her arrive, I wasn’t a fan. After seeing a shot of her from the waist up, I may or may not have uttered the words, “She looks like a middle-aged bride!”
And then I saw the shape of the entire dress, which was kind of amazing. I also love her backwards necklace and the fact that she fell. Who doesn’t love a girl who falls during the biggest moment of her life and then just shakes it off? While I do prefer her hair darker, the fact that she biffed it on the stairs and then made a joke about it totally makes up for that.
Naomi Watts in Armani Prive
I call this “post-modern cleavage”, and am obsessed with how modern and geometric it is. So different from what the other actresses chose, and I applaud that.
Michelle Obama in Naeem Khan
FLOTUS, you never cease to amaze me. I love your dress, your arms, your bangs…and most importantly, your loyalty to J. Crew.
I also love that you not only wore the dress to present the Oscar but also to attend the governor’s dinner that evening. You could have changed…but you are low-maintenance and that’s why we adore you. (On a semi-related note…did you know her dress sparked a bit of controversy in Iran?)
Catherine Zeta Jones in Zuhair Murad
Gold and sparkly. Me likey.
Quvenzhane Wallis in Armani Junior
Two words: dog purse.
(I also love her sassy attitude. She’s like the miniature version of Tyra Banks except way less annoying, and with a much more proportionate forehead.)
Stacy Kiebler in Naeem Khan
Flapper chic. I’m not sure which is better…the dress or the man! Although George could use a shave and some Just for Men gel. Sorry…somebody had to say it.
(Side note: I couldn’t remember what Stacey was famous for–other than dating George–so I Googled her. Did you know that prior to her DWTS days she was a professional wrestler for the WWE?!)
Stuff that was “meh”
Adele in Jenny Packham
Adele…this is the same thing you always wear. You are a beautiful girl and I just want to see your arms!!
Side note: can we talk about how fabulous her hair was when she took it down for the performance?? If I had hair like that I would just walk around naked so nothing distracted from it. (After it had grown long and voluminous enough to function as “full-coverage hair clothing”, that is.)
Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta
Elegant and pretty…but I feel like she always does something like this. Would have loved to have seen it in a jewel tone.
Kerry Washington in Miu Miu
Pretty color and nice detailing, but it kind of looks like she’s going to the Hollywood prom.
Nicole Kidman in L-Wren Scott
I feel as if I’ve become desensitized to the perfection that is Nicole Kidman. She looks absolutely flawless…but I’m not crazy about the neckline and the swirls are a little juvenile. (Keep in mind this is coming from someone with greasy hair and blackberry seeds in her teeth who is currently wearing a coffee-stained sweater.)
Stuff that we should probably pretend never happened
Anne Hatthaway in Prada
How many times do we have to tell you, Anne? Your “headlights” are not a trend!!!
Kelly Rowland in Donna Karan Atelier
I think my friend Kayla put it best when she asked why T-Boz had been invited to the Academy Awards.
Nancy O’Dell in Mark Zunino
She should just quit her hosting job and join The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast, already.
Maria Menounos in Romona Keveza
Miss Pepto Bismol 2013
Amanda Seyfried in Alexander McQueen
A lot of people loved this dress, but I’ve come to expect more from Amanda. The color and pattern feel too old for her, and the neckline paired with her up-do screams 2001 suburban mall fashion show.
Salma Hayek in Elie Saab
While I loved the architectural neckline, this look doesn’t work on her at all. It hides her best assets, makes her look 3 feet tall…and the hair is nothing short of disastrous.
(Again…keep in mind that this is coming from a girl who hasn’t showered in two days and is contemplating eating a muffin the size of her face for dinner.)
Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter
I have no idea who they’re wearing, but they look a cold mess.
(Similar to a hot mess…just more morbid.)
I would expect nothing less of Tim and Helena, and truly…I don’t think I’d have it any other way.
Jolie Taylor in knock-off Marchesa from Wal-Mart
Get it together, Jolie. Seriously…who stops to eat a Greenie while walking the carpet?
Photos from E! Online and Us Weekly
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