DIY

Cat Eyes ³

For the last three years, I’ve been meaning to figure out how to copy Lauren Conrad’s signature wing-tipped eyeliner.

Yup. Three long years. I just keep getting distracted with those pesky new episodes of Extreme Couponing and my latest habit of shopping for tasteful fishnet stalkings online.

(Yes, there is such a thing as tasteful fishnets.)

Being that I’ve finally conquered the Extreme Couponing anthologies, I actually got around to picking up some black liquid eyeliner at Target over the weekend. I rushed home, excited to experiment with the oh-so-vintage cat eye look. While I don’t have any professional training in makeup application, I consider myself fairly skilled when it comes to cosmetics. I can successfully apply my own false eyelashes, after all–slapping on some liquid cat eyes should be a breeze, right?

Wrong.

Oh so very wrong.

Things quickly went from easy breezy beautiful cat-eye girl to Katrina looks like she had permanent eyeliner tattooed on her by a six-year-old child with Tourette’s syndrome who happened to be high on Pixie Stix at the time.

Regrettably, I forgot to snap a photo.

Thank heaven for YouTube makeup tutorials. After taking in a few instructional videos, I was ready to try again. This time? The results were semi-successful! I’m on day 3 of the cat-eye experiment and have grown more and more skilled with each application. My confidence has increased so much, I’ve decided to provide my own little tutorial. Without further ado…

Yep. “makeupthat” is definitely a word.

Step 1: Get some liquid eyeliner

I picked up this stuff from Target. It’s the only liquid eyeliner I’ve ever purchased and/or used, so I have no idea how it performs compared to other brands. Target was about to close, and Scott was yelling at me for “going on another Target bender and buying too many hats”, so I just grabbed the first eyeliner I saw and ran to the checkout.

(To my credit, the hat I selected this time is beyond adorable…no matter what Scott says.)

Step 2: Apply the “wings”

Clearly, I’m still a bit skeptical…

Using the liquid liner–and a very light hand–draw lines from the corners of your eyes up towards your eyebrow. You can make them short for an everyday look, or longer for a bit more drama. They key is to make them thin and precise, and most importantly, even on both sides. (That’s key in not looking like a crazy person.) Don’t worry if they aren’t super dark — you can go over them later.

Step 3: Create the rest of your outline

Are you SURE I’m not going to look cray-cray?

Draw a line from the center of your “wing” down to the center of your eyelid. This will be the outline for your cat-eye.

Step 4: Fill in the shape

Fill in the area you just created. Use a few coats if necessary to achieve a dark, jet black color. (I forgot to take a photo of this step as I was too excited that I was starting to look less creepy/delusional.)

Step 5: Line the rest of your eye

Almost done…

From the center of your eyelid, draw a thin line to the inside corner of your eye. I also did a very subtle line on the lower outside corner of my peepers.

6. Apply mascara, and Instagram the ‘ish out of your fab new look!

Please excuse the random pose with the cherry. It was the only way I could think of celebrating the fact that I could maybe pass for Lauren Conrad’s socially awkward second cousin thrice removed with my new eyeliner.

(Fine…I may have also been trying to secure my free trip to Australia by sharing deceptively flattering photos of me eating healthy snacks. But it’s almost the same thing.)

A few extra tips that may or may not prove helpful:

If the cat eyes aren’t dark enough, you can go over them with regular eyeliner. Just avoid the edges so you don’t muddle the crisp, wing shape you’ve so carefully created with the liquid stuff.
A Q-Tip dabbed in makeup remover is a great way to fix errors and smooth out the shape of your cat eye.
If your husband rolls his eyes, he’s probably just jealous of your snazzy new look. Consider asking him if he would like cat-eye makeup, too.

Once again, I am not a cosmetologist or expert in any way, shape or form. I essentially have no idea what I’m doing other than the few tricks I’ve learned from experience and a smattering of totally narcissistic YouTube clips. Translation? I cannot, under any circumstances, guarantee that you will not look mentally unstable at the end of my six-step process.

But if you do, at least you can blame your crazy eyes on my blog…?

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Pimp my plaster (teeth) ¹³

Can you believe it’s once again time for the Young House Love Spring Pinterest Challenge? Time sure flies when you’re ~~having fun~~ playing Prom BINGO.

It’s no secret I failed the last few challenges miserably. After much reflection, I’ve determined this is a result of me, trying to live up to lofty Pinterest standards that are simply above my own personal level of DIY-prowess. The solution?

I could come up with my own original pin! Truly, it would be a win-win situation…there would be no previous benchmarks for me to live up to, and when my brilliant idea when viral, I’d be lauded as the creative crafting genius behind the entire scheme. (Insert evil craft laughs here.)

And so…without further ado…

Step One

Remember all those craft supplies and the custom set of plaster teeth you threw out when you decided to go minimal last week? Dig those puppies out of the trash…it’s time to repurpose them! (Thanks for the brilliant idea, Tove!)

Don’t worry. I rinsed ‘em off.

Step Two

Paint the teeth your favorite color while trying your best to sing along to your Lil’ John song of choice. (You KNOW I love me some Lil’ John.)

Naturally, I went with “Crunk Juice”

Step Three

Attach rhinestones in various shapes and colors while your husband rolls his eyes and tries to figure out what possible childhood trauma could have led you to create a pink, bedazzled grill at the ripe ol’ age of twenty-eight.

I think it was the fact that I never got an Easy Bake Oven for Christmas, Scott.

Step Four

Allow your masterpiece to dry overnight, while you peacefully dream of all the street cred you’re about to accumulate. (There may or may not also be a nightmare involving that elusive Easy Bake Oven…but mostly it will be dreams about street cred.)

Step Five

Try on your grill. Enter a state of denial as you desperately try to ignore the fact that it wasn’t quite what you were going for.

It's less "gangsta" and more "ill-concieved Frankenstein"

When “gangsta” becomes “ill-conceived Frankenstein”

Step Six

Freak out upon realizing you probably just poisoned yourself with a set of plaster teeth covered in toxic paint and rhinestone glue. (Such are the risks of thug life.)

Step Seven

Violently rinse out your mouth in the sink while debating possible uses for your less than desirable grill. Find a small amount of comfort in the fact that it could be repurposed as an abstract Mother’s day gift, or donated to one of those poor little girls on Toddlers and Tiara’s who can’t afford a real flipper.

If both of those options fall through? At least Sheila can wear it.

Pinterest challenge, you win again.

*****

Speaking of street cred, here’s a rundown of my long-standing track record of failed Pinterest Challenges

The Litterbox Chronicles - The painfully pathetic saga of unsuccessfully litter box training my chihuahua

When Pinterest Gets Creepy - Possibly the most disturbing family portrait to ever be pinned

Epic Pinterest Fail - When life hands you a failed Pinterest project, say “eff it!” and go buy yourself a pair of shoes

I Accidentally Became a Cartoon – And not just any cartoon…an UGLY cartoon

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On marriage and minimalism ⁹

Yesterday, I described my newfound love for minimal living and how a new book inspired me to turn my apartment upside down and eliminate half of my possessions.

The idea of minimalism is great–but it’s one thing to wax and wane poetically about owning a single bottle of shampoo–actually putting the principles of “less” into practice is another. Allow me to break down our weekend de-cluttering spree to illustrate.

Sunday, April 28 – 11:16am

I proudly declare the time has come to turn over my new minimalist leaf by announcing to Scott we will be spending the afternoon making over our living room. He rolls his eyes, suggesting we tackle our master bathroom first. Hesitantly, I agree.

11:24am

Per the book’s instructions, we empty the entire contents of our bathroom into a separate space for analysis. The shower, the floor, and every single cabinet are completely emptied onto a few blankets in our bedroom.

Confession: This is only about ten percent of the “stuff”.

11:33am

I carefully read each step of the S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E process aloud as they relate to bathrooms. Scott rolls his eyes and begs me to “Just start organizing, already!”

11:38am

I attempt to tackle step “M” (Module) of S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E. Scott explains that I’m being ridiculous — he’s been minimal for years– I should just do what he says instead of listening to some silly book!

I share that the ‘silly book’ cost ten dollars to download–I intend on getting every penny’s worth out of it. This involves following S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E to a tee.

11:42am

Scott grows disgruntled and decides to boil the shower curtain liner in bleach while I move on to step “L”. (Limits.)

12:13pm

Scott discovers the 100+ toiletry samples from various hotels that I have finally chosen to discard. He takes it upon himself to throughly clean out every single one of them so they might be recycled. I argue that the water he’s wasting cancels out the eco-friendly benefits of recycling the bottles. Unfortunately, there’s no changing his mind at this point.

12:58pm

I move on to the final step (“E” for “Everything in its place”) of S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E. Scott is still washing out miniature shampoo bottles.

1:24pm

I give the toilet, sink and counter a good scrub down before placing the few items we have decided to keep in their respective locations. I ask Scott to help me clean the shower. He explains that he will….as soon as he’s done rinsing the remaining 43 miniature shampoo bottles.

1:45pm

The bathroom is officially finished! I coax Scott to take a look…but he’s still rinsing out those darn shampoo bottles.

1:52pm

I settle in with Jolie for a quick power nap. I think I’ve earned it after all that organizing!

2:03pm

Scott enters the bedroom, and accosts me for sleeping on the job. I explain that my work is done! He argues that we’re just getting started. Apparently, we still have to tackle the guest bathroom. I roll my eyes and explain that I can’t clear out the guest bedroom until he’s done using its sink to rinse out those stupid shampoo bottles. He agrees to move to the kitchen so I might start in on the de-cluttering.

2:10pm

After much nagging, I finally drag my limp body out of bed and repeat the S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E process in our guest bathroom.

2:28pm

Much to my dismay, I discover an additional 18 miniature shampoo bottles. (Scott is delighted.)

3:26pm

Finally complete the S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E process in the guest bathroom. Scott recycles all 187 miniature shampoo bottles with more excitement than a six-year-old child on Christmas morning.

3:33pm

I attempt to crawl back into bed and finish my power nap. Scott physically removes me from our beloved mattress, explaining we still have to tackle our linen closet. I may or may not throw a mini-tantrum while trying to convey that I had only planned on tackling one area of the apartment per day.

3:45pm

Experience a breakdown when Scott forces me to get rid of a plaster mold of my teeth our dentist in Seattle used to create my custom teeth bleaching trays.

Don’t ask me what they were doing in the linen closet.

3:51pm

After a hefty debate, Scott convinces me to toss out the plaster molds and the custom bleaching trays as I only use Crest Whitestrips, anyway. While I see he has a point, I’m still not a happy camper.

3:57pm

Tension mounts as Scott insists I donate Jolie’s prison uniform (complete with hat!) to charity. “I’m sure it will make some other chihuahua really happy.” he argues.

Again…no idea what this was doing in the linen closet.

4:06pm

Scott discovers an additional 14 sample size shampoo bottles, at which point I immediately go BSC. (Bat S**** Crazy.) I dramatically run to the kitchen and make myself a tuna sandwich.

4:08pm

Scott scolds me for making the tuna sandwich…apparently we have two pounds of fresh, organic turkey meat that needed to be used up.

4:10pm

I wolf down my tuna sandwich as violently as possibly, explaining Scott can finish S.T.R.E.A.M.L.I.N.E.-ing the linen closet on his own.

4:15pm

I come to my senses and help finish the linen and entryway closet while Scott rinses out even more miniature shampoo bottles.

4:50pm

After all four spaces have been thoroughly minimized, Scott and I realize we desperately need to get out of the house. He declares he’s going to the gym for a swim. I decide to tag along (with a friend) and walk laps around the indoor track while he practices his butterfly stroke.

5:10pm

While briskly walking around the track, I give a slightly biased account of the events of the day. My friend and I both conclude that Scott is the most difficult person to live with in the entire world.

6:07pm

While driving home, I share this conclusion with Scott.

(I should probably mention that my friend is still in the backseat at this point.)

*******

I’m going to skip the next four hours for the sake of brevity. (Not to mention my dignity.) Let’s just leave at this: things got ugly, it was pretty much all my fault, and Scott is nothing short of a saint.

*****

10:21pm

We finally call it a night, and crawl into bed. Scott is the first to speak.

“You know…if you take away that almost getting divorced thing, we really got a lot done today.”

“Yeah,” I agree, “We make a pretty good team most of the time.”

“Just promise me you’re going to stop collecting those shampoo and conditioner bottles from every hotel we stay in, okay?”

“Done.” I giggle. “And I’m sorry I said you were difficult to live with. Honestly, I think we are both equally difficult in our own ways.”

“I actually think you’re a little bit worse,” he continued, “but I’m willing to let it slide if you stick to your hotel shampoo bottle promise.”

“Does this mean I get to keep Jolie’s prison uniform, after all?” I whisper.

He chose not to dignify that inquiry with a response.

(I think I’m going to take that as a ‘yes’?)

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Sports Bra Jitters: The Conclusion

Yeah…I don’t know what I was thinking, either. ⁵

Actually, I do know what I was thinking. It was something along the lines of “Well…now that my office/guest room is redecorated in yellow, I should probably paint Sheila to match!”

Unfortunately, I now know from personal experience that a yellow nude plastic torso is the only thing worse than a flesh-colored nude plastic torso. I somehow thought I could save the situation by covering her lady lumps with a faux fur stole and giant silk flower. Surely, this would class things up a bit!

Ultimately, it just made Sheila look like a Real Housewife of New Jersey with a severe case of jaundice…but at least I gave it the old college try?