A conversation with my husband the other night:
Scott: Guess what’s on TLC right now?
Me: Shh! We’re watching Downton Abbey!
Scott: It’s on your computer…just pause it. Now seriously…guess what’s on TLC!
Me: Don’t tell me your watching Toddler’s and Tiaras.
Scott: You mean your favorite show?
Me: Shut up. I just like that Eden girl. She’s got stage presence.
Scott: If we ever have children and you try to put them in a kiddie pageant I will freak the #*$@ out.
Me: Relax. I’m not putting our non-existent children in a beauty pageant. I just like to watch the Wow-Wear competition, that’s all. Anyway…are you talking about I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?
Scott: No. They really need to change the name of that show to I Just Thought I Was Fat, though.
Me: Oooh, I know! My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding! I love that show! The episode with the Halloween party where they try to find a husband for the fourteen year old girl is, like, captivating.
Scott: Katrina, how do you know so much about all of these shows?
Me: Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaid’s Edition?
Scott: You’re pathetic.
Me: You’re culturally aloof.
Scott: Oh, really? Mind telling me what the lead story on CNN was this morning?
Me: Uh…that Snooki stopped tanning for her pregnancy?
Scott: Exactly. Anyway, they have this show on next called I Cloned My Dog.
Me: Yeah? So?
At this point, Scott starts rubbing Jolie’s belly with a look of longing in his eyes.
Me: Scott. No. Do you even know how much that costs?
Me: Umm…that was a hypothetical question, but okay.
Scott: But just think! I mean…if we never had kids we could totally afford it.
Me: Yeah…but when you have children, the $150,000 you spend on them is spread out over eighteen years! Cloning a dog would be a one time payment…and they don’t even live that long. I mean….what if we dropped all that cash and then Jolie #2 was hit by a car and killed when she was a puppy? It would totally be a waste.
Scott: I would never let that happen.
Me: You’re crazy.
Scott: At least I don’t have a Master’s Degree in TLC reality shows.
Me: Touche. But listen…if I’m not allowed to enter our theoretical offspring in a beauty pageant, then you are most certainly not allowed to clone the dog.
Scott: I see your point.
This my friends, is why you should never watch TLC programming.
Naturally, Extreme Couponing is the exception.
But otherwise, you should steer clear, lest you find yourself dropping an entire mortgage on duplicating the DNA of your seven-pound chihuahua.
Although I must admit, it’s not often you’re the owner of a pooch who bears such an uncanny resemblance to Lady Violet from Downton Abbey. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider Scott’s proposal for just a brief second.
Now if only I could train Jolie to drink tea and scheme over my family’s inheritance.
Then maybe, just maybe, I’d consider the cloning thing.
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