Today, I was supposed to get a variety of immunizations for my upcoming trip to South America.
Yeah, that didn’t happen.
Instead, I was locked in my bedroom, lights shut off, wearing a pair of sunglasses and attempting to not puke as I worked on my laptop.
The jury’s still out on whether I had a migraine or a sinus headache on steroids, but either way, my cabeza was angry.
Like, Kanye West when Taylor Swift won the Grammy angry.
No, no, wait…like, Theresa from the Real Housewives of New Jersey angry. This makes total sense as my headache came complete with lots of large gold jewelry and a Jersey accent. (Neither of these respond to acetaminophen, by the way.)
I mean, if there had been a table full of spaghetti and meatballs in the room, I’m pretty sure my feisty migraine would have flipped that sucker over with sheer ESP.
Although I would say my noggin is equal parts angry Italian woman and conceited black rapper, so there may have been a few cheap shots at a country music artist in there as well.
Anyway, I’ve been suffering mild to moderate headaches for the past few days, but this morning’s took the cake. I was supposed to spend the day seeing Doctor Vennestrom for Yellow Fever and Malaria vaccines, among other things.
(Yes, I realize he shares a last name with the villain from the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. And yes, this means I already distrust him.)
Instead, I received a house call from the one, the only, Nurse Trudy.
Jolie earned the nickname Trudy as she refuses to leave my side while I work during the day. For tax reasons, I decided to make her my “secretary” and officially add her to the payroll.
The peanut butter payroll.
As Jolie just didn’t sound like a secretary name, we settled on referring to her as “Trudy” during work hours.
Other variations include “Truds”, “Triznooshkies”, “Trudy Lou Hoo” and, when she’s being especially difficult, “The Triznatch”.
Oh you know it’s serious when I’m turning down coffee.
1. Pretty sure any credibility gained by turning down the coffee went flying out the window when I claimed I was having an aneurism.
2. I’m not sure how “Qa” got in there, but my theory is that Theresa the headache used her table flipping ESP to send it. It’s probably Italian for “ouch” or something.
3. Yes, “sleepies” is a technical term.
No, biscuit therapy is not the reason I gained sixteen pounds in two months.
You’re thinking of ice cream therapy.
“Biscuit” is yet another name for Jolie that Scott came up with.
Variations include “Biskies”, “Bushkies”, “Biscuitine Rabbit” and “The Royal Biznatch”.
Can you tell we don’t have children?
Biscuit therapy, provided by Nurse Trudy herself, looks a little something like this.
Basically she curls up next to you, repeatedly licks whatever part of your body is nearest to her, and makes the entire bed smell like a hamster.
It works wonders.
With Jolie by my side, I was somehow able to get my work done.
This included a very important conference call that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get through. My office uses Skype to video chat, but my coworkers were kind enough to let me remain unseen as I was literally laying on my side, holding my head with my hands, and wearing my Versace Sunglasses to lessen the glare of the computer screen.
In my moment of need, Nurse Trudy was there.
Yes, it was that bad.
Miraculously, I was able to hang in through the entire 90 minute meeting, despite the fact that Theresa Guidice was throwing a temper tantrum of New Jersey proportions in my skull. In fact, I felt like I was even able to actively participate and contribute to the discussion.
Thank you, Nurse Trudy.
The healing power of animals is truly incredible. Jolie always seems to “know” when I’m sick and provide me the extra attention necessary to convince me that I’m not actually experiencing an aneurism. (Or that I’ve gone and caught AIDS from the nail salon.)
And the best part?
She didn’t even ask for my insurance card.
With all that processed meat and cigarette smoke, I’m starting to worry that Nurse Trudy might be the one at risk for an aneurism.
On a happier note….Congratulations to the winner of the Chanel nail polish giveaway, commenter #8, Rachael B.! Rachael is a dear friend of mine who basically embodies all of the style, glamour and sophisitcation Chanel represents. Congratulations, Rachael!!
(Winner was selected via random number selector at Random.org)