I’m not proud of what I did.
Okay…at least not totally proud. Let’s call it a mix of guilt and ecstasy. Guecstacy, if you will.
A few weeks ago, Scott and I got in an argument. I believe it started out with me opening the pantry door only to be attacked by an avalanche of Doritos that covered my favorite pink trench coat in salt, crumbs, and fake cheese powder.
Fake cheese powder is not a trend this season.
Was the deluge of chips Scott’s doing? Probably not. But he’s the only person at my in-laws’ house that I have the courage to be snarky with, so he took the blame.
Think that in itself makes me a terrible person? Just you wait.
I’ve decided the only thing worse than arguing with your spouse is arguing with your spouse in front of other people. This particular spat happened while Scott’s step-siblings and their significant others were visiting.
This is why, instead of saying something harsh and critical, I plastered a sugary sweet smile across my face while smugly cooing “Oh, Scott…guess what? I bought a new purse online today.”
That my friends is how you upset the husband, without upsetting the company.
Did I buy a new purse? No.
Am I proud of this? No.
Did it work? Oh yes.
Eventually, my irrational hissy fit passed and we were able to enjoy the rest of the evening. Seriously, I don’t know how my husband puts up with me sometimes, but I want to take this moment to thank him for sticking it out.
Scott — someday I’ll make it up to you by selling all my handbags and putting the money towards luxury smoothie ingredients.
Today is not that day.
Fast forward 48-hours. While lying in bed before falling a sleep, Scott rolled over and asked “So, how much did the new purse actually cost?”
This is the moment where I should have ‘fessed up and said something along the lines of “I didn’t actually buy a new purse, honey…I was just trying to get under your skin. I’m really sorry.”
Instead, I chose to go with “Oh it wasn’t that much money…probably didn’t cost more than your Nordstrom shopping spree a few weeks ago.”
He let out an agitated sigh and rolled over to snuggle with Jolie, who hasn’t bought a new purse in over four years.
I ordered the bag of lies the next morning. I had already done the time, so I might as well commit the crime, right?
It was not right. Or honest. Or something I ever plan on doing again.
So while I’m beyond obsessed with my new Louis (you may have seen a sneak peek of him on the Fashion page yesterday), he is tainted.
Tainted because he came into my possession through fraud, trickery, and worst of all, Doritos.
Basically, this handbag represents what a wretched, unscrupulous person I sometimes can be.
And what a kind, forgiving person my husband is. Are you ready for this? He’s not making me take it back.
Either he truly has a heart of gold, or he’s realized that keeping the handbag will do a number on my conscience and teach me a lesson.
Whatever his reason, I am not worthy.
As we drove to Small Town yesterday morning, I couldn’t help but smirk when a precariously balanced bag of crackers in the backseat tumbled onto Louis, covering him in a fresh dusting of gluten-free crumbs.
Very funny, universe.
On the bright side gluten-free crumbs are far more fashion-forward than fake cheese powder.