The handbag of shame and manipulation ⁸

I’m not proud of what I did.

Okay…at least not totally proud. Let’s call it a mix of guilt and ecstasy. Guecstacy, if you will.

A few weeks ago, Scott and I got in an argument. I believe it started out with me opening the pantry door only to be attacked by an avalanche of Doritos that covered my favorite pink trench coat in salt, crumbs, and fake cheese powder.

Fake cheese powder is not a trend this season.

Was the deluge of chips Scott’s doing? Probably not. But he’s the only person at my in-laws’ house that I have the courage to be snarky with, so he took the blame.

Think that in itself makes me a terrible person? Just you wait.

I’ve decided the only thing worse than arguing with your spouse is arguing with your spouse in front of other people. This particular spat happened while Scott’s step-siblings and their significant others were visiting.

This is why, instead of saying something harsh and critical, I plastered a sugary sweet smile across my face while smugly cooing “Oh, Scott…guess what? I bought a new purse online today.”

That my friends is how you upset the husband, without upsetting the company.

Did I buy a new purse? No.

Am I proud of this? No.

Did it work? Oh yes.

Eventually, my irrational hissy fit passed and we were able to enjoy the rest of the evening. Seriously, I don’t know how my husband puts up with me sometimes, but I want to take this moment to thank him for sticking it out.

Scott — someday I’ll make it up to you by selling all my handbags and putting the money towards luxury smoothie ingredients.

Today is not that day.

Fast forward 48-hours. While lying in bed before falling a sleep, Scott rolled over and asked “So, how much did the new purse actually cost?”

This is the moment where I should have ‘fessed up and said something along the lines of “I didn’t actually buy a new purse, honey…I was just trying to get under your skin. I’m really sorry.”

Instead, I chose to go with “Oh it wasn’t that much money…probably didn’t cost more than your Nordstrom shopping spree a few weeks ago.”

He let out an agitated sigh and rolled over to snuggle with Jolie, who hasn’t bought a new purse in over four years.

Jolie the Chipin, in a purse at the Target dressing room

“What? I like the way this one smells.”

I ordered the bag of lies the next morning. I had already done the time, so I might as well commit the crime, right?

It was not right. Or honest. Or something I ever plan on doing again.

So while I’m beyond obsessed with my new Louis (you may have seen a sneak peek of him on the Fashion page yesterday), he is tainted.

Trendy on the outside, guilt-ridden on the inside.

Tainted because he came into my possession through fraud, trickery, and worst of all, Doritos.

Bad Louis. Oh, who am I kidding? Bad Katrina.

Basically, this handbag represents what a wretched, unscrupulous person I sometimes can be.

And what a kind, forgiving person my husband is. Are you ready for this? He’s not making me take it back.

Either he truly has a heart of gold, or he’s realized that keeping the handbag will do a number on my conscience and teach me a lesson.

Whatever his reason, I am not worthy.

As we drove to Small Town yesterday morning, I couldn’t help but smirk when a precariously balanced bag of crackers in the backseat tumbled onto Louis, covering him in a fresh dusting of gluten-free crumbs.

Very funny, universe.

On the bright side gluten-free crumbs are far more fashion-forward than fake cheese powder.

What crispy bag of snacks will fall on me next?

Sign up for email updates to find out! Also? I’d put my money on Sun Chips.

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2012 Oscars: The good, the bad and the chocolate. ⁴

When it comes to the Oscars, I’ve had my fair share of highs and lows.

Take last year, when I caught about seven minutes of the show while sitting in the hot tub under the stars on a Royal Caribbean cruise out of Miami. Definitely a high point.

Then there was the 2007 chocolate fountain catastrophe. And no, “catastrophe” is not too strong of a word.

I was in graduate school at the time and had invited four or five friends over to sip champagne, nosh on hors d’oeuvres and take in the glitz and glamour of the Academy Awards from my humble studio apartment in Syracuse.

My secret “hostess with the mostess” weapon? A pimped-out chocolate fountain I had recently purchased for my wedding reception, of course. I was going to totally impress all of my gal pals when I unveiled the three-tiered chocolate waterfall at my decadent Oscar Soiree.

To this day I’m sure my friends would have been impressed had any of them shown up. Everyone ended up cancelling at the last-minute, which is how I ended up watching the Oscars from a Lazy-Boy recliner with my own personal chocolate fountain.

Just mix the tears of lonliness with some chocolate chips and, voila!

Photo by thievingjoker

I suppose I had plenty of company…if you count the fruits, nuts, cookies, marshmallows, pretzels, miniature bites of cake and wide assortment of toffee I had purchased for dipping.

I was about halfway through the goodies when Scott walked in and witnessed the carnage. Picture me, face covered in chocolate, while Scott threatens to call off the wedding.

Yeah. Pretty sure that’s my most pitiful Academy Award moment.

So, while watching last night’s coverage in my in-law’s basement may not have been the most thrilling way to ring in the red carpet, I’m proud to say that I wasn’t eating my weight in fondue while begging Scott not to think any less of me.

But you didn’t come to hear about chocolate binges and nearly called-off weddings. Although if you did, I think we may be soul mates or something. Send me your address and I’ll mail you the “ST ENDS” half of my Best Friends necklace from Claire’s Boutique.

Jolie was wearing that half for a few months until she witnessed me making out with a bag of Doritos (in the figurative sense, of course) and was so ashamed that she gave it back.

Alright. I’m just going to start talking about Oscar fashion before I incriminate myself any further.

Emma Stone

I would totally love this if she didn’t look so much like a cute, peppy Christmas present with squinty eyes.

Jessica Chastain

Meh. Kind of reminds me of bad drapes from China Town. Which leads me to believe that Julie Andrews has moved to China Town and is back to her old sewing clothing from curtains antics. That Julie.

Melissa McCarthy

Way better than her bridesmaid’s dress. Also? She’s not afraid to eat a sandwich; something I applaud.

Sarah Hydland

Wait a second…no one told me the prom was tonight? Somebody get this girl a corsage! (And a new stylist.)

Giuliana Rancic

Stunning. Who cares about getting pregnant when you look this hot in your gown?

Kelly Osbourne

I didn’t know Ursula from “The Little Mermaid” was nominated…?

Jennifer Lopez

At first, I gave this an “8″. After the nip slip, I changed it to a “9″. Then I bumped it up to a “10″ after Scott kindly reminded me that she’s Jolie’s second cousin.

Stacy Keibler

Beautiful. She looks just like the real-life Oscar statue! The only difference? George Clooney actually cares about the real-life Oscar statue.

Viola Davis

Yowza! How ’bout them apples?

Meryl Streep

The lady of the evening. This old bag can do no wrong in my eyes. Except show up to the show quite literally wearing an old bag. And no, I don’t care that it’s sparkly.

Mila Jovovich

My husband is in love with her. I can see why.

Shailene Woodley

Nightgown + Sweatshirt = Night Sweats about how bad this is.

Jolie Taylor

Breathtaking. Loving the makeup.

Michelle Williams

Flawless. Best look of the night, hands down. Plus, she’s the only celebrity I know of who, like, reads and stuff.

Rooney Mara

Impeccable. She’s like the modern-day Snow White. If the modern-day Snow White pinned people down to give them rapist tattoos.

Octavia Spencer

Not sure which I love more…her name, her dress, or the fact that she made a pie out of poop in “The Help”.

Tina Fey

It was okay. I mean, she’s no Miss Piggy or anything.

Miss Piggy

Told you.

Angelina Jolie

I’m concerned for two reasons. One, I have a sneaking suspicion she’s hiding all of her children under that skirt. Two, she looks about ready to cut someone with that knee of hers.

UPDATE:

My friend Donny sent me another terrifying photo of Angelina. It was simply too good (or bad) not to share…

Angelina Jolie and Brad PItt, 2012 Academy Awards Red Carpet Oscars

And now I have a third concern…that Angelina is about to give birth to a seventh hipster child, right there on the red carpet

Penelope Cruz

Stunning. Meryl should have done something like this.

Gwyneth Paltrow

The cape is spectacular. She’s like the gorgeous superhero of the red carpet.

Ellie Kemper

In the words of William Hung, “She bangs! She bangs!”

Rose Byrne

Love this look. Although I’m concerned by how thin she is. Can somebody get her a chocolate fountain?

Whew! That’s enough Spanx and spray tan to last a lifetime.

I know. I never thought I’d say such a thing, either.

So, who wins the ‘Sota is Sexy best dressed award? It was a toss-up between Giuliana’s gorgeous, white Basil Soda number, and Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton. But, in the end, I had to go with Michelle. She took a risk, and I love that she’s not afraid to rock the pixie cut.

I’m also obsessed with her bubble gum pink clutch. Ooh! And did you know she keeps her hair short as a tribute to Heath Ledger? So sweet.

Not gonna lie…these photos kind of make me want to chop my hair off and lose 20 pounds.

Do you think she would take it the wrong way if I mailed her the “ST ENDS” half of my BFF necklace?

Yeah, you’re right. Totally creepy. I’ll probably just show up at her front door with the chocolate fountain instead.

But enough about Michelle. It’s time for the worst dressed girl of the night. This one was a tough call, but after all was said and done, one fashion disaster rose above the rest.

Yes. I wore plaid. To the Oscars.

I probably should take a nice, long look in the full length mirror before referring to Meryl Streep as an “old bag”.

Maybe next year I’ll try harder and wear something sparkly. Or at the very least something that’s not flannel. But only if there’s a chocolate fountain, of course.

*****

Red Carpet photos from E! Online and Us Weekly

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Blood, sweat and Oscars ⁰

First things first. Can we talk about my college buddy Ben dominating the Octagon last night?

Photo by Fábio Gianesi

Seriously…don’t mess with us Dana grads. You should have seen the girl I ran into last week who tried to convince me that my bachelors degree “didn’t count” as my undergraduate institution had closed its doors.

Let’s just say my revenge was similar to the involuntary tattoo scene from “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”. Basically I scrawled “The Dana Difference” across her abdomen in pink Sharpie while Jolie licked copious amounts of peanut butter off of her face.

“How can something so wrong taste so right?”

Anyway, it looks like somebody’s definitely getting a new car from her UFC champion friend. A Bentley named “Ben” perhaps?

Relax. I certainly don’t expect Ben to buy me a new set of wheels. However, I wouldn’t be opposed to borrowing his new belt. You know, to wear out to Happy Hour sometime.

It’s big, it’s gold, it accentuates the waist. Perfect for pairing with a tunic and leggings.

Again, I’m totally kidding.

(But only because I don’t think they have Happy Hour anywhere in Smalltown.)

Also? I’m morally opposed to sharing accessories with the husband.

Scott wearing Ben Henderson's WEC championship belt

Totally would look better with leggings and a tunic, right?

In all seriousness, it feels like Christmas around here. Last night was Ben’s big fight, and tonight is the Oscars. Talk about a weekend jam-packed with fierce competition and shiny, gold awards! I’m particularly excited for tonight’s festivities as I missed the Academy Awards last year while travelling in the Caribbean.

I know. Don’t you feel really sorry for me?

It’s all fun and games until somebody discovers the free Pina Coladas.

My antics in Cozumel that day made me a shoe-in for “Best Performance in a Comedy.”

Or tragedy, depending on how you look at it.

Actually, the most appropriate title would be “Best Performance in a Hot Mess”, but that category doesn’t exist just yet. Although I’d argue that it should be added. You know, so Lindsay Lohan can finally take home an Oscar.

“I’d like to thank the academy. And the bartender.”

Photo by Rafael Amado Deras

The more I think about it, the Oscars aren’t all that different from a UFC fight…I mean, at both events, the celebrities make a grand entrance.

Sure, there are a few minor differences. Hollywood celebrities glide across the red carpet in Fred Leighton jewels and dresses worth more than my car. On the other end of the spectrum, MMA stars don plastic chains and Affliction t-shirts while storming into the arena as their ”entrance song” booms in the background.

Speaking of which, if any MMA fighters are reading this, would you please consider walking in to “Mama Mia”?

That would quite literally make my life. (“Defying Gravity” from Wicked would also suffice.)

But back to this random comparison that I promise will start to make sense soon. Once in the Kodak Theater/Octagon, the competition gets fierce.

Sure, the MMA fighters are more open about their hunger for victory, but you know those Hollywood stars are every bit as competitive.

So, when you saw Nicole Kidman politely clapping as Natalie Portman accepted the trophy for Best Actress last year, she was really thinking about going all UFC and smashing her pregnant little face in.

At least I’m assuming so.

And then there’s the speeches. Sure, Hollywood A-listers use words like “lovely”, “delightful” and “delicious” in their remarks, while UFC fighters typically climb on top of the cage and scream, before snatching the microphone from Joe Rogan’s hand and yelling something macho.

Personally, I hate when actors describe directors as “delicious”. Despite what I may have said before, cannibalism is not sexy.

Half naked men, glistening with sweat, mounting a giant cage and making primitive noises? Definitely sexy. At least Jolie seems to think so.

Jolie the chipin, licking up peanut butter

“Sweat is the only thing tastier than peanut butter.”

But the movie stars do have one advantage. They wear the previously mentioned gowns that cost more than my car.

Which is why I will watch, with bated breath, as they parade down the red carpet.

And then I will judge them in tomorrow’s blog post; picking apart every last detail of their hair, their makeup, their dresses, and their answers to interview questions.

The fact that I will be doing this while wearing stretch pants and eating caramel corn is obviously irrelevant.

So, stay tuned for tomorrow’s scathing review of all things Oscar fashion. In the mean time, win your own award by entering the most fabulous coffee giveaway in the history of this blog! You have less than two days left!

Who will be the best dressed? And, more importantly, who be ostracized by a girl wearing stretch pants?

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When your friends become famous ⁰

This is still such a bizarre concept to me.

I have a friend.

And that friend is famous.

Weird.

Technically I have three friends that are famous. Although one of them only counts as a “semi-aquaintance”.

Amber, Streeter and Ben. Still trying to decide which one has the best hair.

Back in the day, I went to high school in Tacoma with Amber Lancaster.

You probably know her as the hot chick on MTV’s The Hard Times of R.J. Berger.

I on the other hand know her as the hot chick from Franklin Pierce High School. Seriously, how was I supposed to compete with that?

Me in 2002. World's most awkward homecoming queen.

Amber was a few years ahead of me and probably has no idea who on earth I am.

In contrast, I have a distinct memory of her being the coolest girl on the planet and showing up to a basketball game in leopard print pants. In the words of my high school self, those pants were “the bomb”.

I feel like it’s extremely creepy that I just admitted that. I promise, I’m not a scary stalker or anything.

I just really like leopard print.

I also remember the time she pulled me aside after my freshman cheerleading audition and told me I did a great job. I believe this was our only face-to-face interaction.

This memory may or may not play in my head every time I see a photo of her in the Us Weekly’s “Who wore it better” section.

Amber Lancaster Kourtney Kardashian who wore it better

Who wore it better? Obviously, Amber! Because she actually gave me a compliment in 1999! And, you know, she's not a Kardashian or anything.

Alright. I feel really pathetic just admitting to all that. But, whatever. At the end of the day, all a girl truly wants is for a D-list celebrity to think she’s a good cheerleader.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Moving right along, my next celebrity friend is Streeter Seidell of CollegeHumor.com and Pranked on MTV.

My favorite Streeter character, the Phantom of the Office

Scott went to graduate school with Streeter’s awesome and lovely wife. We were lucky enough to celebrate with them at their nuptials last year while my face was covered with the infamous breakout also known as the Star Spangled Forehead.

All I will say about Streeter is this: He may actually be even funnier in person than he is on TV. Add to that the fact that he’s super-smart, down to earth and incredibly nice, and you have a guy who deserves every bit of success that has come his way. Seriously — I hope the he becomes the next Brad Pitt. Just without all of those annoying hipster children.

Streeter, if by some off-chance you ever end up reading this, please don’t think I’m creepy. I just like giving compliments. And advising people not to have hipster children.

Seriously, there's got to be at least $2,000 worth of American Apparel clothing in this picture.

Anyway, onto my final celebrity friend.

You may know him as Benson “Smooth” Henderson, but to me, he’s just Ben.

The nicest guy in the UFC. Also the best abs, if I do say so myself.

For those of you who have been living under a rock (or, you know, aren’t into MMA), tonight Ben is fighting for the lightweight championship of the UFC.

Prior to this he was lightweight champion of the WEC.

And prior to that, he was wrestling at Dana College, alongside my husband.

Ben and I actually grew up less than ten miles apart in Washington state, but didn’t become friends until attending college together at a liberal arts school of just under 600 students in Nebraska.

Ben, known in the UFC for being introspective and low-key, was in many of my English classes. He also wrestled for five years with my husband in the 157 pound weight class.

Scott Taylor and Ben Henderson, Dana College National Wrestling Championships

Ben and Scott walking into the arena at the NAIA National Championships.

I love how Scott is glaring at me for taking a picture, while Ben just pleasantly smiles. Totally sums up their personalities.

Scott Taylor and Benson "Smooth" Henderson, Dana College National Wrestling Championships

Scott and Ben, wrestling it out in a consolation match at Nationals in 2006.

Because they were the same weight class, Ben and Scott often times had to wrestle off before a dual, or even compete against each other during a tournament. They were pretty evenly matched — half the time Ben would win, half the time Scott would win.

So, Scott’s claim to fame is that he used to be capable of beating Benson. Pretty sure he couldn’t say the same thing today.

No offense, Scott.