2012 Oscars: The good, the bad and the chocolate. 4
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When it comes to the Oscars, I’ve had my fair share of highs and lows.
Take last year, when I caught about seven minutes of the show while sitting in the hot tub under the stars on a Royal Caribbean cruise out of Miami. Definitely a high point.
Then there was the 2007 chocolate fountain catastrophe. And no, “catastrophe” is not too strong of a word.
I was in graduate school at the time and had invited four or five friends over to sip champagne, nosh on hors d’oeuvres and take in the glitz and glamour of the Academy Awards from my humble studio apartment in Syracuse.
My secret “hostess with the mostess” weapon? A pimped-out chocolate fountain I had recently purchased for my wedding reception, of course. I was going to totally impress all of my gal pals when I unveiled the three-tiered chocolate waterfall at my decadent Oscar Soiree.
To this day I’m sure my friends would have been impressed had any of them shown up. Everyone ended up cancelling at the last-minute, which is how I ended up watching the Oscars from a Lazy-Boy recliner with my own personal chocolate fountain.
Just mix the tears of lonliness with some chocolate chips and, voila!
Photo by thievingjoker
I suppose I had plenty of company…if you count the fruits, nuts, cookies, marshmallows, pretzels, miniature bites of cake and wide assortment of toffee I had purchased for dipping.
I was about halfway through the goodies when Scott walked in and witnessed the carnage. Picture me, face covered in chocolate, while Scott threatens to call off the wedding.
Yeah. Pretty sure that’s my most pitiful Academy Award moment.
So, while watching last night’s coverage in my in-law’s basement may not have been the most thrilling way to ring in the red carpet, I’m proud to say that I wasn’t eating my weight in fondue while begging Scott not to think any less of me.
But you didn’t come to hear about chocolate binges and nearly called-off weddings. Although if you did, I think we may be soul mates or something. Send me your address and I’ll mail you the “ST ENDS” half of my Best Friends necklace from Claire’s Boutique.
Jolie was wearing that half for a few months until she witnessed me making out with a bag of Doritos (in the figurative sense, of course) and was so ashamed that she gave it back.
Alright. I’m just going to start talking about Oscar fashion before I incriminate myself any further.
Emma Stone
I would totally love this if she didn’t look so much like a cute, peppy Christmas present with squinty eyes.
Jessica Chastain
Meh. Kind of reminds me of bad drapes from China Town. Which leads me to believe that Julie Andrews has moved to China Town and is back to her old sewing clothing from curtains antics. That Julie.
Melissa McCarthy
Way better than her bridesmaid’s dress. Also? She’s not afraid to eat a sandwich; something I applaud.
Sarah Hydland
Wait a second…no one told me the prom was tonight? Somebody get this girl a corsage! (And a new stylist.)
Giuliana Rancic
Stunning. Who cares about getting pregnant when you look this hot in your gown?
Kelly Osbourne
I didn’t know Ursula from “The Little Mermaid” was nominated…?
Jennifer Lopez
At first, I gave this an “8″. After the nip slip, I changed it to a “9″. Then I bumped it up to a “10″ after Scott kindly reminded me that she’s Jolie’s second cousin.
Stacy Keibler
Beautiful. She looks just like the real-life Oscar statue! The only difference? George Clooney actually cares about the real-life Oscar statue.
Viola Davis
Yowza! How ’bout them apples?
Meryl Streep
The lady of the evening. This old bag can do no wrong in my eyes. Except show up to the show quite literally wearing an old bag. And no, I don’t care that it’s sparkly.
Mila Jovovich
My husband is in love with her. I can see why.
Shailene Woodley
Nightgown + Sweatshirt = Night Sweats about how bad this is.
Jolie Taylor
Breathtaking. Loving the makeup.
Michelle Williams
Flawless. Best look of the night, hands down. Plus, she’s the only celebrity I know of who, like, reads and stuff.
Rooney Mara
Impeccable. She’s like the modern-day Snow White. If the modern-day Snow White pinned people down to give them rapist tattoos.
Octavia Spencer
Not sure which I love more…her name, her dress, or the fact that she made a pie out of poop in “The Help”.
Tina Fey
It was okay. I mean, she’s no Miss Piggy or anything.
Miss Piggy
Told you.
Angelina Jolie
I’m concerned for two reasons. One, I have a sneaking suspicion she’s hiding all of her children under that skirt. Two, she looks about ready to cut someone with that knee of hers.
UPDATE:
My friend Donny sent me another terrifying photo of Angelina. It was simply too good (or bad) not to share…
And now I have a third concern…that Angelina is about to give birth to a seventh hipster child, right there on the red carpet
Penelope Cruz
Stunning. Meryl should have done something like this.
Gwyneth Paltrow
The cape is spectacular. She’s like the gorgeous superhero of the red carpet.
Ellie Kemper
In the words of William Hung, “She bangs! She bangs!”
Rose Byrne
Love this look. Although I’m concerned by how thin she is. Can somebody get her a chocolate fountain?
Whew! That’s enough Spanx and spray tan to last a lifetime.
I know. I never thought I’d say such a thing, either.
So, who wins the ‘Sota is Sexy best dressed award? It was a toss-up between Giuliana’s gorgeous, white Basil Soda number, and Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton. But, in the end, I had to go with Michelle. She took a risk, and I love that she’s not afraid to rock the pixie cut.
I’m also obsessed with her bubble gum pink clutch. Ooh! And did you know she keeps her hair short as a tribute to Heath Ledger? So sweet.
Not gonna lie…these photos kind of make me want to chop my hair off and lose 20 pounds.
Do you think she would take it the wrong way if I mailed her the “ST ENDS” half of my BFF necklace?
Yeah, you’re right. Totally creepy. I’ll probably just show up at her front door with the chocolate fountain instead.
But enough about Michelle. It’s time for the worst dressed girl of the night. This one was a tough call, but after all was said and done, one fashion disaster rose above the rest.
Yes. I wore plaid. To the Oscars.
I probably should take a nice, long look in the full length mirror before referring to Meryl Streep as an “old bag”.
Maybe next year I’ll try harder and wear something sparkly. Or at the very least something that’s not flannel. But only if there’s a chocolate fountain, of course.
*****
Red Carpet photos from E! Online and Us Weekly
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Feb 28, 2012 @ 12:01:47
You know what? I’m betting you at least 75% of those women would much rather spend the Oscars in your in-laws’ basement gorging themselves on chocolate covered strawberries than sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a corset trying ever-so-hard to keep their good side facing the cameras. I know I definitely would!! That actually sounds like a pretty awesome Oscar party
Feb 28, 2012 @ 13:35:08
I’ve must admit, the chocolate fountain was a pretty good time. Even if I did have to pay for it the next two months at the gym.
Feb 28, 2012 @ 13:18:54
Thanks for that mid-tuesday-afternoon laugh! You are so spot on about those dresses – you should replace Kelly Osbourne on E!’s “Fashion Police.” Hilarious.
Feb 28, 2012 @ 13:35:50
Thanks, Emily! I’d love to be on Fashion Police…if only so I could have Joan Rivers teach me everything she knows.