This blog post was not my idea.
When I awoke at 5:40 on Friday morning, I discovered a somewhat disturbing text message on my phone.
Notice this text was sent at 3:24 am. I’m guessing he messaged me right after the “incident” occurred.
Scott was still sleeping when I left the house for my early morning boot camp class, but I called him later in order to apologize for such incident.
And then find out what exactly the incident involved.
Scott was on-call at the hospital last week (he works as a Physician Assistant), and often needs to answer pages at all hours of the night.
After returning a patient’s call at 3:24am, he climbed back into bed and attempted to spoon with his wife.
At which point I began furiously thrashing about and yelling at the top of my lungs for him to “Get off of me!!! NOW!!!!!”
In a rare gesture of kindness, I changed my mind (while still asleep) and rolled over to gently put my arm around him.
This moment of tenderness was quickly tainted as I continued to yell at him over the next two hours for “moving too much” and being “too sweaty”.
That would explain why Jolie had abandoned our bed that night. Normally, we sleep like this:
But that morning, she had abandoned me for “Tiger Dreamz”…. aka her bed in the living room.
And yes, her faux fur bed really is named Tiger Dreamz.
With a “z”.
It’s the name on the packaging, and it just sort of stuck.)
This certainly isn’t the first time Jolie has had to put up with some of my strange sleeping habits…
Anyone who has ever traveled with me via plane, train or automobile (and sometimes the subway) can validate Jolie’s experience in the above drive to Boston. Consider this post an apology to you all. Especially to you, Rebecca, for demonstrating extreme tolerance when I mistakenly fell asleep in your lap in the carpool last week. Very sorry about that.
There’s a second video floating around that supposedly depicts me slowly raising my right arm, then making slow motion figure-eights with a limp hand. This goes on for a good five minutes. Scott swears I perform this ritual nearly every night.
He also claims that the video is lost. I choose to believe that he imagined the entire thing. Because if I’ve never seen it, then it didn’t really occur.
I did, however, grovel at Scott’s feet in regards to the thrashing episode, promising it would never happen again. I didn’t mean to do it…heck, I don’t even remember doing it!
He didn’t believe me.
“Why not?” I asked, my guilt-stricken doe eyes gazing up at him from beneath a layer of denial.
As it turns out, I’m a repeat offender.
Believe me, I was as shocked and appalled as you all are.
Two days before the thrashing incident, Scott had to take a call from the hospital in the middle of the night. It seems I didn’t like the light from his beloved iPhone interrupting my beauty sleep, as he claims I sat straight up, punched his phone across the room as if I were Rocky Balboa, and instantly went back to sleep.
But it doesn’t end there.
On our recent trip to Las Vegas, Scott once again tried to snuggle up next to me after I had fallen asleep. Insert more thrashing and screaming, this time punctuated with some…let’s just say colorful language.
I’m blaming it on the Murphy bed. Those things are seriously uncomfortable.
By the way, I never use colorful language.
Which leads me to believe that I have been plagued with a rare form of Tourette’s syndrome that only presents itself when I am asleep.
Scott assured me this ailment does not exist, suggesting instead that I am probably exhibiting my “true colors”.
I immediately called my sister Hayley to consult. She and I share a bed from time to time, in addition to the years of sleeping in the same queen sized bed growing up.
You guy’s aren’t going to believe this.
She totally took Scott’s side.
I believe her exact words were “You get pissy and violent.”
Fine. Be that way.
Last October, Scott and I took a romantic ten-day Hawaiian vacation to Waikiki. It was our first trip to the islands, and we couldn’t have been more thrilled to take a “real” honeymoon, as we could only fit in a quick trip to Canada after our wedding in 2007.
Upon checking in at the hotel, we were frustrated to learn that the only room available had two twin-sized beds.
Unacceptable. This was supposed to be our second honeymoon, after all.
The staff pointed out that the room we were in now had a far better view, and that we could switch to a room with a king-sized bed the following evening.
We never switched.
I remember falling asleep on our third night and hearing Scott say “I’m so glad we have our own beds.”
We were severely sunburned from a day at the beach, painfully sore from surfing and hiking, and very very hot, due to the lack of air conditioning.
“Me too.” I quietly replied.
I’m now realizing I may have…um…misinterpreted Scott’s statement.
We are totally going to be one of those old couples who sleep in separate beds after our kids go to college.
Pretty sure Scott is counting down the days.